Bacteria!

Well, thank the lord, at long last there’s a new Yakult advert. Perhaps the third in the trilogy, though hopefully the series will run and run. Lovely Mel from Family Affairs (who went on the record during the summer stating that she will never do an advert again) has now ventured into Bacteria Man’s flat, along with a similarly aloof but good-hearted pal. The flat is of course decorated in retro-seventies green, and Mr Bacteria has his usual geek haircut and tanktop to extenuate the fact that despite his evident geekiness, he’s also quite trendy in an unknowing way. Bizarrely, his flatmate is stood in the lounge in his just a pair of Y-fronts, much to Mel and Kim’s (as we shall from this moment call her) alarm - though to be fair he carries this off nicely. Finally, a third guy turns up (I forget the name), who is also big into bacteria-based drinks, and despite his Swampy-goes-to-H&M appearance, the girls swoon. Which leaves me worrying for Bacteria Man - when will Mel see that they are meant to be together? Will her social climbing snobbery prevent her from realised he is the only probiotic-drink swiller for her? Let’s all hope that the next advert feature some sort of bacteria-friendly engagement or marriage. Though we must not forget the last time Mel got married, a gas leak resulted in her and her entire family perishing…

More Midsommer Madness

What has happened to the body count in Midsommer Murders? Driven to watching the curious half-panto-half-whodunit series on Christmas Day (it was either that or Dibley, which even my parent’s described as awful), I was disappointed that only two characters were murdered. And the killer was that much of a surprise. In olden days, Midsommer Murders contained the twistiest plots, the most bizarre deaths, the craziest casting, and plenty of rumpy-pumpy to keep even the most casual viewer entertained. It also knew how to be scary when necessary. Thus, the Xmas extravaganza was disappointing, with it’s promise of magician’s assistants, fake suicides and good-looking youths romping away cruelly broken to tell a bog-standard revenge story. And the comedy sub-plot involving John Nettles sparring with his father-in-law ( as played by Brookie’s David ‘Bing’ Crosby) was just as trite. Must try harder. But on the upside, I’m beginning to warm to the new sidekick..

The Wizards of Oz

The penultimate series of the brilliantly gruesome prison drama Oz made a shock, unheralded appearance in Channel 4’s Christmas schedules. The show that confirms my worst fears about mankind is perfect festive viewing, as it illustrates that when needs must, all feelings of generosity, mutual trust and understanding fly out the window, it’s every man for himself. Can this series top the last its stand-out showpieces of pure evilness? The long-time-coming battle to the death between Abedisi and Said was amazing, and the outcome unexpected, while the wonderfully mean sudden release of poor Beecher (which turned out to be the cruelest dream sequence in any TV programme… ever!) just proved Oz will never take the soft option. And as for the much-anticipated, full-frontal appearance of Luke Perry, well not even the other genitalia on display could top that - nope, not even you Chris Meloni. So, what can we expect from this lastest series? We just don’t know, as C4 aren’t releasing specific information. In fact, I’m even sure that it is the penultimate series they’re showing - but not even Channel 4 could be rotten enough to miss out an entire series of one of the best US imports they own… Oh wait minute, yes they could.

Top TV Treats... Not

So what were the top TV treats of 2004? Well, according to the Channel 4 show with a similar title, they were all Channel 4 shows. Almost. There were no C4 moments, but they just passed without commentary, unlike pain-stakingly unfunny, and not recalled by any of my TV-obsessed cronies, bits from Richard and Judy or other naff lifestyle or "comedy" programmes. Curiously, the best moments consisted of the last episodes of Friends, Frasier and Sex and the City - though surely these must have been the worst as it chimed the death-knell for the majority of 4’s schedule-padding import fodder. Big Brother was number two - though the massive scrap which ensnared disillusioned BB viewers was bizarrely not mentioned. Then we had Gillian McKeith, some swearing posh people, Shattered (which was watched by no one), Supernanny, Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares, Max and Paddy, Borat (Ali G’s even less funny counterpart)… Need I go on? Suffice to say, that very few of my TV treats got a look in - here’s hoping Five make a better stab of it sometime soon.

Comedy Awards Rant

I normally sit own to watch the British Comedy Awards with a sense of glee, knowing that it will be the only gong show of the year to revel in the same orgy of spite, bitterness and hatred that I lead my life. So this year’s was a bitter disappointment. True, there were some totally deserved awards - Little Britain, Nighty Night and Catherine Tate all picked up some glassware, hopefully meaning the latter two will eventually receive the critical and public acclaim they deserve - but some of the winners defied expectation - smug ITV dramadies Doc Martin and Life Begins for instance. Then again, the voting panel probably consists of Richard Curtis cronies who like this sort of dross. But the most embarrassing sections of the show were the parts which crow-barred in awards for shows and people who just don’t deserve it. Best writing team - Ricky Gervais and Steven Marchant? They’re so good they barely managed to fill two hours of air-time last year, and only then by producing a toe-curlingly derivative Christmas spesh of the once mighty Office. And then there was the trumped-up award for Matt Groening, simply because he happened to be in the country. Presented with the award, inexplicably, by Stephen Hawking, Groening seemed as embarrassed as the viewing public at the standing ovation he received. He knows as much as anyone that the Simpsons ran out of ideas and jokes a good series back. In fact, Groening’s last few gags were all used up in the final series of Futurama, which was killed off in good health and will live on in our memories of never having a bad episode. Or indeed series, like the Simpsons recently has. It’s just odd that for a year filled with so much good comedy - Little Britain, Nighty Night, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Arrested Development, Catterick, I am Not an Animal, even Corrie, etc, etc - that so little of it was credited at the shindig and the show itself was a horribly bland affair. Note to Johnny Vegas - please present next year. Or, if wet, get Barrymore back…

Brighton Rocked

With BBC1 drowning in identikit medical and dreary period dramas, it’s been great that they’ve actually made a series which reminds you why the license fee is occasionally a good thing. The whole singing thing was initially off-putting, but the fantastic characterisation and acting made the series compelling and by episode two, you’d didn’t even blink when the cast burst into spontaneous song. Billed as a musical murder mystery, Blackpool was nothing of the sort. Sure, there was a murder – but no one really cared who did. In fact, no one really cared who it was who’d actually been killed. And the music was only really there as a gimmick, albeit one brilliantly done. No, Blackpool was really about a family in crisis. As maverick businessman dad Ripley was headed towards bankruptcy, his marriage collapsed and the distance between him and his kids widened. Wife Natalie fell into the arms of the detective investigating the murder, daughter Shyanne wed Ripley’s childhood enemy Steve, and son David trawled the resort clobbering men with bricks, or alternatively, shagging them. The fact that there was such a feel-good ending, complete with Communard-tuned wedding, is a credit to the writing, while the central cast were superb. Sarah Parrish is surely the best actress on television at the moment; she has a talent for making your heart break as hers does. It’s just a shame that there was nothing really left open for a second series…

Controversial Corrie Continues

Coronation Street has been nothing but excellent of late. The drama of mad Maya, Karen’s baby plight, and the Todd/Sarah breakdown, combined with the best comedy on telly, has earned the show a well-deserved South Bank Show nomination, amongst many of the TV awards picked up this year. But the producers seem determined not to rest on their laurels, and if rumours are true, 2005 looks set to see Corrie treading more controversial ground. Jason’s in for a shock when girlfriend Violet announces the reason she’s so reluctant to take him to bed is that she is HIV positive. Imagine how the Rovers’ regulars will react to learning their latest barmaid has such an un-Corrie-like ailment? More alarming is the fate of the Harris family – will Katy really knife her dad to death after an attack on Martin? If anyone needs to go, it’s deadwood Martin, and it’ll be a shame to lose Katy as her mad barnet has kept us amused over the past couple of years… Still, it’s great that Corrie is ready to beat EastEnders lame attempts at a revamp. There really is no need for a Kat/Mo/Alfie love triangle, now, is there?

Losing Their Marples

ITV1’s reworking of Miss Marple was disappointingly poor. Playing up the comedy seems like a good idea in this post-Midsommer Murders world, but what was great about the old Joan Hickson series was the dark, sinister edge that was simply missing here. Instead, Marple (now played by Gerladine McEwan) is a batty old woman, who somehow manages to solve crimes, despite being unable to work out what jumper really should be worn with which skirt. This week, she didn’t really even do much sleuthing, allowing the A-list cast to do all of their trademark routines before declaring who the killers were. Look, there’s Ben Miller playing a pompous rogue. And there! It’s David Walliams as a comedy loner. Oh, and there’s Ian Richardson as an austere patriarch whose legs were blown off seven years ago. And who’s that? Yep, it’s Jamie Theakston playing a large lump of wood. To make matters worse, the conclusion was rewritten (allegedly to provide a similar shock to that original readers would have had on the revelation of the motive), to comprise a couple of unconvincing lesbians. Poor show, indeed, though the gimmicky casting will probably lure us to tuning in again on Sunday…

Having finally been granted a day release from work, I decided to spend my free time as best I could – lying in bed, watching Sunset Beach. As someone who only came in as the whole Terror Island plot was kicking off, I was a mite confused by all this business with Elaine finding her dead kid’s coffin exhumed and the realisation that Del in Hell was behind faking Cole’s death. But one thing was confirmed, and that was sheer aceness of some of the cast – basically, those actors who knew the plots were barmy, and that the dialogue was filled with pointless exposition, but decided to ham it up and really enjoy themselves anyway. Obviously, soapy stalwarts Kathleen Noone and Leslie-Anne Downe stand out, but some of the younger cast also get it. Sarah Buxton as wicked vixen Annie is knowingly hilarious, while Clive Robinson – aka Ben/Derek – also plays along, laughing with the audience, not at us for enjoying this tosh. And as soon as the Terror Island madness kicks off, I’ll be videoing every moment til Ben’s final battle with evil twin Derek, and Gregory’s cruel torturing as wives Olivia and Annie – even from beyond the grave in the guise of Uncle Tobias. Never has a false nose been put to better use…

It’s always been to true to say that Neighbours is often quite gay. But now that label can be attached to the show in a non-derogatory sense – which is good, as Susan Smith (formerly Kennedy), is not best pleased when the word is used unkindly. Not only is Connor dating another bloke (most likely Lou, who after his recent stint in the clink may have discovered the love that dare not speak it’s name) on the internet, but Erinsbrough High now has its own resident lesbian. It was perhaps inevitable that Lana was gay – not only does she love fantasy TV and cool music, but she speaks with a bizarre, trans-Atlantic twang that defies explanation. After launching herself at Sky – whose bra-burning ways made her the ideal candidate – her secret is out, and comedy ADD-suffered Scott/Stingray delicately broached the subject by writing Lana’s a Lezzer on the blackboard. Natually, Lana won’t stay around – a regular gay being even scarier than a regular ethnic minority for Aussie viewers – but at least we have the Hoyland’s being targeted by a Molotov-cocktail-wielding fly-poster, Izzy being stalked by Darcy as her wedding approaches, an increasingly evil Paul Robinson returning and Lassiters being razed to the ground in a bad-taste, Bali-eqsue bomb plot to look forward to over the next couple of months.

Tonight with Trevor McDonald attempted a brilliant hatchet job on TV dietician – and rival popular current affairs host – Gillian McKeith last night. In an edition reminiscent of the bad press treatment of Homer in The Simpsons episode Homer Bad Man, Trev used a selection of unflattering archive footage and take-out-of-context quotes to portray Gill as a fake fad diet doctor with little knowledge of her subject. Admittedly, dead-eyed McKeith is cashing in on the current craze of obsessive healthy eating, but ITV1’s desperate attempt to discredit Channel 4’s stranglehold on the eight ‘til nine lifestyle slot ratings was plain embarrassing. So what if she isn’t a medical doctor, if you’ve spent god knows how long studying for a PhD, then you’ve every right to call yourself a doctor. And just because she’s making a fortune, doesn’t mean she isn’t teaching the obese, chip-eating masses a few good lessons. No one is actually going to follow her diet and eat nothing but bizarre beans and wheat grass for every meal. The only good thing about Trevor’s latest bout of scare-mongering was a rare TV appearance of Gillian’s arhc nemesis - and Guardian hottie - Dr Ben Goldacre, here happily debunking McKeith’s alleged ability to feel internal organs while poncing around in a lab coat. And that was definitely worth half an hour of our increasingly hard-earned free time.

Elsewhere, Corrie’s Les was also facing dietary dilemmas when his bid to win £25 by finding a halfpenny in Roy’s Christmas pudding resulted in him consuming 15 portions of the brandy-soaked stuff. Thankfully it all went awry – with Cilla getting a cleavage full of pudding and Les confined to the toilet after a fight with Betty – but it provided a welcome respite to Charlie’s continual bullying of Shelley. Please, Shelley, turf him out, but congratulations to Corrie writers for convincingly making the once feisty landlady slowly lose all her confidence. And it gets worse after Christmas…

Where Did That Truck Come From?

Corrie's descent into a curious amalgamation of Reservoir Dogs, Backkdraft and Final Destination threatened to get a tad dull. Mad Maya Monday was slightly let down by the fact that two of the day's episodes contained virtually no Maya-related mayhem. Thankfully last night's double bill was pure demented brilliance. Not only did the Corrie corner shop go up in an explosion of Brookside proportions, but a madder-than-nad Maya then tried to run over Sunita. Crashing into a wall at the end of the street, we thought that would be the end of her, in a disappointingly Don Brennan-esque death. Only no, the blood-soaked wicked wrench was fine and was ready to make her escape - and then that truck came out of no where, ploughing into her car. How was I expected to get to sleep after that?

Last night's last five minutes of Corrie were utterly brilliant as the entire cast came out in their dressing gowns to witness the madess. And what's great about the soap, is that the carnage is not just going to affect the Alahans, but will have terrible consequences for the Websters and poor, poor Shelley...

Five Funny Things on TV This Week

1. Peep Show – Racial sausage incidents, rainbow ribbons, email hacking, butt-shaped yoghurt spillages: made even funnier by the fact I know a real-life Jeremy. Still, it’s a jollier portrayal of flat-sharing than my place.

2. Corrie – Cilla and Les’s disastrous Hawaiian night (anything with Cilla and Janice shouting), the Barlows appearing on an atrocious TV game show (Liz hitting on the scandal-hir, Deayton-esque presenter was genius), every other line of dialogue: comedy gold.

3. Arrested Development – Took a few weeks to get into it (the break-neck scene-switching, fake flashbacks and flashforwards and seemingly twee Ron Howard narration were initially off-putting), but this deliciously evil sitcom has really taken off. Even the Christmas episode climaxed in an escaped felon dressed as Jesus being probed with a stun gun.

4. Little Britain – Goes without saying, doesn’t it. Sebastian and the PM are still not funny, and Emily’s friend Florence is a pointless addition, but still more laughs than any sketch show in recent years. Matt Lucas is the true star – Vicky Pollard, Marjorie Dawes and Dafydd steal the show, though mini-Dennis Waterman is a wonderfully demented invention.

5. Nighty Night (even meaner/funnier with every viewing), Harry Hill (he may have run out of original material, but no one takes the mick out of TV better), Corrie’s Oliver Twist spoof (superbly done), Betty Eagleton (how did Emmerdale cope in her absence?)

Five Unfunny Things on TV This Week

1. Max and Paddy - Such a waste. Stilted comedy banter (the script is built around a couple of jokes), uncharismatic leads, and elaborately heavy handed movie spoofs – it’s like watching an episode of The Simpsons on slow-mo. Pheonix Nights succeeded because of its broad range of brilliant characters, and Max and Paddy were always the least convincing. Hanging a series around them is madness. Just because John Cleese only made two series of Fawlty Towers, why do other comics struggle to make more than twelve episodes of their comedies?

2. EastEnders’ football plot – Supposedly light relief, but what do we need light relief from? Quality shows such as The Sopranos or Twin Peaks carry off the switch between good comedy and heart-rending drama perfectly, realising that a scene becomes even more emotional or scary if it is preceded by laughs. EastEnders has no light or shade at the moment, so how it can hope to play with out emotions by offering jaw-dropping contrasts like Corrie does? Oh, and the Miller family just don’t work.

3. French and Saunders – Stick with the Christmas specials, girls. Spreading their meagre material to a six-week run was overkill. The running gag was that Dawn and Jen were being forced to write a new series and had no idea what to fill it with. Well, the joke was on us. Even the usually excellent film parodies were lame. A Kill Bill pastiche was thrown away, while the Cold Mountain spoof was saved by a natty faux director’s commentary.

4. Dead Ringers – Disappointing this. ‘Twas once full of very-Radio Four-esque humour and pretty good impressions. But now that there’s a new series every few months, the material is running thin. Give it a rest, eh?

5. The Kumars at No 42 – lame Mrs Merton rip-off. Never was funny. Never will be funny. And the same goes for the soon-to-be repeated Keith Barrett Show. Anyone can make of z-list celebs, why not try writing something amusing?

Five Things That Robbed Casualty of Credibility This Week

1. Christopher Timothy killed Fin! Yep, that nice vet-turned-doctor killed the jovial paramedic and will shortly take a tumble during a roof-top tussle with winsome widow Comfort.

2. The mother of the sick, pregnant drama obsessive turned out to be SARAH GREEN. Yes, the Sarah Green. What is going on?

3. Comfort’s accent – it’s getting more Jamaican with grief. And while we’re at, Fin from Hollyoaks west country accent needs dealing with, as does that Ukrainian/Serbian/whatever nurse’s.

4. Liz Carling and Maxwell Caulfield – playing doctors. She was the second Dervla Kirwan in Goodnight Sweetheart, he was the shy-young-thing in the second, underrated Grease movie.

5. I still can’t work out what’s happened to Charlie. Has he left? Did Dr Baz’s death prompt him to go find himself? Is he coming back?

Soap Justice

Hurrah! The truly awful Val Lambert is winging her way back to Emmerdale. Her sole purpose in life is to wind up her sister Diane (aka T-Bag), and she’s at it again. In a brilliant attempt to steal the spotlight from her recently married and cancer suffering saint of a sis, Val flies back from Spain with a toy boy in tow – only she’s paying him to pretend they’re dating. Brilliant. Val, her drag-queen son Paul and mahogany-coated ex Rodney are the ultimate dysfunctional family.

Shoddy Dad-Rockers Return

As U2 race towards the top of the singles chart, I feel I should congratulate Bono and co for using the re-recording of the Band Aid tune – and thus the millions starving in the Third World – as excellent publicity for staging a come back. Well done to all concerned.

Debbie McAllister: We Salute You

Last night another of Sun Hill’s finest left the station for good – though, unusually for the new Bill, Debbie McAllister walked out of her own accord, and not in a body bag. No more will she stride meaningfully through the day-glow corridors of the station, flirting with old-time Jack Meadows and picking girlish quarrels ala Moonlighting with pretty boy detective Phil Hunter. At least the flame-haired DS, for one final time squeezed into her trademark sub-Avengers-style leather top, told dull DI Manson what she thought of him, and flung herself at Meadows before she left. It’s been an eventful few years for Debbie – if she wasn’t getting raped by her serial-rapist, superintendent lover, she was dallying with lesbianism with short-term characters – and she will be missed. Just don’t let Phil follow her just yet…

The Basketball Diaries

As far as homoerotic Saturday morning teen dramas go, One Tree Hill seems to have a lot going for it. Not only is there plenty of slow-mo, tense basketball action and post-match, changing room towel slapping, there’s the increasingly dangerous rivalry between long-lost brothers Lucas and Nathan to set it apart from other shows. Naturally, Lucas is poor and thus represents all that is good in the world, while Nathan has been brought up by his pointlessly nefarious dad in a life of luxury and is therefore bordering on evil. Though of course, he’ll slowly mellow to his brother’s charms and risk the wrath of pa (seen recently sticking a gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger in Six Feet Under). Which is the only real problem – James Lafferty is just too wet to play evil Nathan with any real menace, even when he’s kidnapping Lucas or picking on his fed-up-with-a-shallow-lifestyle cheerleader girlfriend. In fact, this is what’s great about One Tree Hill – every character is a walking cliché, from the aforementioned tormented socialite and her superbly shallow pal, to the so-obviously-about-to-come-out jock who is Lucas’s only mate on the team. It lacks the intelligence of Dawson’s Creek and the sheer craziness of Popular, but the combination of unashamedly obvious plots and potentially hot boy-on-boy action means One Tree Hill is just what’s needed post OC on a Saturday morning.

Red-Haired Uber-Bitches 1, Redundant Pretty Boys 0

‘Twas a sad day in the Orange County, as pointless jock Luke was forced to leave The OC. With the rest of the cast no longer talking to him, Luke decided to hit the highway with his gay dad and start a new life in some other area of America that sounds semi-exotic. And who should we blame for this substantial drop in the hottie-to-minger ratio? The increasingly Alexis-esque Julie Cooper, that’s who. Having, understandably, enticed pretty boy Luke into her carnal love nest of evil, the power-mad divorcee refused to let him go, despite him being her daughter’s former long-term lover. When Marissa found out and eloped to Chino, Luke’s days as a series regular were numbered.

So farewell Luke – who’s going to have pointless punch-ups with Ryan now? And who else could possibly come between Seth and Summer, especially as wonderful comic-book freak Anna has also departed? Julie is left to continue her brilliant evil reign, and she’s set to become even more powerful once she marries Jim Robinson off Neighbours. And is their some sort of crazy correlation between the redness of her hair and her levels of evil genius?

A Normal Service Will Resume Shortly

I have been awoken from my blogging slumber by the news that Kate O'Mara is joining (albeit briefly) the cast of Family Affairs as Chrissy Costello's posh mum. Having starred in some of the most glamorous soaps, how will she react when she learns her character is the mother of a woman who has munchausen's syndrome by proxy, son-in-law is a paedo-battering cabbie, eldest granddaughter has knowingly married a gay, and youngest granddaughter gets abused whenever the storyliners get bored?

Hayley's Face

In soapland, we're used to our favourite characters smashing their cars and being told they'll never walk again... only for them to walk again a few weeks later. But Home and Away's current plot involving Hayley being maimed for life, her face forever changed, is just unbelievable. Mainly because she looks exactly the same, except for a big Pudsey Bear-style patch on her face. The make-up department could do a lot better, but she needs to be beautiful if she's going to spend the rest of her life with the ever handsome Noah - unless something terrible happens first (clue: it does).

Comedy Gangsters Ahoy!

If there's one thing EastEnders needs, it's more ridiculously pointless gangsters. But at least the latest is of fine pedigree - Billy Murray (aka The Bill's Don Beech) can do menacing while also being vulnerable. He could be the Square's answer to Tony Soprano, so long as the soap gets some decent writers in.

Seeing as how The Bill is full of ex-Walforders, it makes sense that there's finally some exchange programme going on. So, please can Cathy Bradford bring her lesbian-ex-wife murdering ways to the East End soon? And it's high time Andrew "Dave Quinnan" Paul returned as Alfie Moon's comedy brother. And what would I give to see a big Burnside-Beech face-off in the Square?

A (rather late) Note on BBC3's "Comedy Tuesday"

To mark the return of Little Britain, BBC3 has proclaimed that Tuesday will from hence forth be known as Comedy Tuesday. This is quite a large claim from a channel whose current comedy offerings stretches little further than back-to-back episodes of the shitcom Two Pints of Lager...

Naturally, Little Britain returned on fine form which only the odd sketch missing the mark (as usual involving PM aide Sebastian, last week meeting Nigel Havers). And in a clever move to make Little Britain seem even funnier, BBC3 followed it with something truly terrible. My Life in Film - a vehical for My Family's Kris Marshall – took a good idea (guys who can't separte fact from film) and totally anihilated. Where the Simpsons feature a dozen film spooks per episode, My Life in Film took just the one flick – Top Gun – and tried to lampoon it for half an hour. With direly dull results. Perhaps tomorrow night's Rear Window spook will be better - but with the production values of Two Pints of Lager, this show is a no-starter.

The next hour was far from great. Good Girls Don't raised the odd chortle, though it is basically Boy Meets World with the odd sex gag thrown in - could be a grower. As for The Graham Norton Effect, it's just such a shame what overexposure has down to Norton - he's almost a self-parody of himself.

Too conclude, Tuesdays on BBC3 will now be known as Comedy Half-Hour.

Leave the Christmas Charts Alone, Geldof & Keating

Christmas should be a time for presents, sledging and bad pop music. And by bad pop music, I mean well-made, sing-along bad music. Which is why this year's Christmas number one race is already sounding like the most boring in years. The current favourite is a dire meeting of minds - Ronan Keating and Cat Stevens, with a "new" version of Boyzone's first hit Father and Son. Not only a shameless advert for Ronan's greatest hits package, but a disturbing threat to Cliff Richards' title of Old People's Christmas Fave.

To make matters worse, Bob Geldof has announced a double a-side version of Band Aid - featuring both the original and the PWL poppier version. I know it's for charity, but it is the most horrible, patronising, obvious Christmas number one ever. What's more, he's considering doing another one with the latest batch of publicity starved popsters, pretending to have an interest in doing good. Please, just write a new song, Bob. I really hope Cliff pulls something amazing out of the bag (perhaps a Crimbo reworking of Just Don't Have the Heart?), or one of the Busted bands have do a top Christmas cover to beat this two objectionable records to the top of the charts...

A Village Missing Its Idiot

Sam Dingle is the latest Emmerdaler facing the axe, and after 10 years it's probably about time. His hit-and-run on Edna was incrediably boring, and it's time the man-boy grew up and left the village. Even the troubles that Paul Shane will be bringing to the Dingles won't spice Sam up.
More worrying are the departures of Syd and Chloe - there's a lack of eye candy in Emmerdale, despite Robert Sugden's recent chest inflation. It seems likely that Syd will exit via whatever convoluted, bitch-fest plot takes Chloe out of the village, no doubt involving the King clan. It could even hook up with the Charity departure plot - could there be another Christmas cull in the offing?

Maya Sharma - We Salue You

With just over a week until Dev and Sunita's wedding gets invaded by the cops, I learn there's even more mad Maya mayhem still to come. In particular, I'm looking forward to her torching the corner shop, which desperately needs a refit. It's just a shame that characters as demented as Maya can't last forever - though hopefully Corrie will do the right thing and not kill her off. Just send her off into the sunset, with the ever-present threat of a surprise return.

BBC3 Officially Rubbish (except Little Britain, of course)

Having become an enforced Freeview digital viewer, I'm finding the choice of programming on offer relatively slim. So I was relatively unshocked to learn that some regulator has concluded that BBC3's output is really rather poor. Apart from the odd comedy gem - Little Britain, Might Boosh, etc - the schedules are full of half-arsed, youthy documentaries and pointless spin-offs from already pointless BBC1 programmes. The channel needs a decent, returning drama about people who are too old to appear Hollyoaks but too young for the antiquated, primetime soaps. They need more music - a decent rival to TOTP featuring new bands and pre-release tunes. It needs a TFI-style show and live comedy. Most importantly, it needs to never, ever show Two Pints of Lager again, repeat Catterick, and reshow the day's episode of Neighbours late night for those at work during the day.

Another Reason for a Cilla Pic

Oooh, mad Maya almost got rumbled last week, by none other than mad Shell Dockley, or Frankie as she seems to go by these days. The unpopular Baldwin gal surely smelt a rat when a taxi driver remembered taking Maya to her wedding - but will she remember the conversation after Sunita gets arrested at her reception?
Other highlights from the weekend omnibus:
-Les and Fiz trying to catch Cilla out at the bingo
-Tracy tormenting baron Karen outside the Rovers
-Sally telling dog-mad Rosie that she can have a guinea pig ("they don't live long - it'll be dead by the time you get bored of it)
-Shelly finally developing a spine and turfing Charlie out

Where's the Midsomer Magic?

Who says ITV can't do comedy? Midsomer Murders returned for the first of two new cases last night, and was almsot as dememnted as ever. Featuring a murder at a funeral parlour, a spooky spiritualist and her Victorian guide (a serving girl killed when her dress caught fire), an odd-ball healer, and a strange steam-railway enthusiast, this episode should have been far scarier and funnier than it actually was. The highlight was the flashback to the first murder when the killers plotted how to react to "finding" the body. But the Midsommer magic wasn't qutie there - the oddballs weren't odd enough and the murders weren't macabre enough. Not to mention the fact that we still miss Troy - please come back from Middlesbrough!

Why, EastEnders, why?

I know I go on about EastEnders a lot for a soap I claim to hate, but axing one of the few decent characters left in the soap is really irritating. Undercover manicurist Kate Mitchell is one of the few rounded residents of the Square, and ideally the entire cast should be axed alowing she and Chrissie to restart the show from scratch. And as for the rumours of yet more unrealistic gangsters arriving in Walford, it's taking exactly the same path to doom as Brookside. Even in psycho Sarah does kill off the Fowlers (which she doesn't), we still need some real plots.

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

As The Bill goes from strength to deranged stregth, there's just one storyline that I'm not enjoying - the disapperance of Sam Nixon's daughter. She's been missing for weeks, but the other cops have only just decided to look into it, and the character is so wholy unsympathetic that surely no one really wants her to come out of this alive. That is supposing she has been kidnapped... The only two possible outcomes as far as I can see are that she's either stringing her poor ma along, or she's being held captive (or is in league with) that profiler bloke what used to be in Casualty. He's just a little too keen to offer Lisa Maxwell a shoulder to cry on.
Anyway, in a fortnight's time we've got Kerry's murder by the Sun Hill sniper, which will spice things up a lot. The culprit is the obvious suspect, but if you can't wait to find out, I think a lot of the TV mags may slip up by revealing all next Tuesday...

Does She Have to Spell It Out to You?

Oh joy. Following on from the success of her previous advert, Holly Valance is back to further promote the cause of reverse charges. Where as previously she employed a pesky mut to steal a young boy's clothes at a swimming pool, Holly is no longer nefariously nicking the pants of the innocent, but helping a scruffy sk8ter boi who has, rather foolishly, dropped not only his keys but also all of his loose change. Seeing as how the aforementioned youngster appears a tad street tough, and could probably break into the nearest car to find enough money for a phone call/crack fix, we can't help thinking Holly's advice isn't entirely necessary, but bless her anyway.
She's really building on her little "Do I have to spell it out to" catchphrase - the problem being that she does clearly have to spell out the word reverse for the type of teen who is so stupid as to leave the house with no cash/keys/phone/pants. Perhaps in the next advert, Holly will recruit a gang of pick-pocketing kids to rob an old woman, before the Australian songstress turns up and advises phoning 0800 Reverse, rather than 999. Then again, perhaps she won't.

This Is More Like It

Emmerdale's been a bit dull this past fortnight. No one's been murdered/squashed by heavy machinery, and all Patsy's done is start a feud with Chas. And while the whole Pearl/Len/RapistSon thing has been done well, it's a tad dull. And as for the Ethan/Debbie strand - yawn. Although dull Debbie's now about land another older man in the form of Andy, the transformation of Steph into a raging, Misery-esque psycho will provide some much needed camp drama. Just imagine the mock horror when Turner remembers exactly who pushed him down the stairs in the first place...

Why Channel 4, why?

There are so few programmes worth watching that don't feature selling houses, revamping houses, buying houses, so why are two of America's hottest imports being pushed into rubbish slots. The programmes in question are Smallville and The OC - popular with kids, teens and adults alike - and they've just been dumped in a Sunday, mid-afternoon slot. It's almost as if C4 wants them to fail, so they can replace them with old episodes of Friends and Bewitched. Let's just hope they don't screw up with new episodes of The Simpsons. Though they probably will...

Rubbish Soap Family Alert

Could the Miller family in EastEnders prove to be even more pointless and unpopular than the SoapStar family in Emmerdale? It's not looking good so far. As well as being a total rip-off of the Battersbys, circa late-1990s, there just seems to be no way for them to integrate into Walford. Whose going to befriend a bunch of characters that have been designed to be as vile as possible? The Slaters and Ferreras already go around in their own little bubbles, only appearing in scenes with their own family members. The Millers are text book annoying family (dad's handy with his fists, the daughter's got a star name, they've got a dirrty dog, etc). Surely the producers are planning to give them some depth? Or will they just remain two-dimensial stereotypes like so many other Albert Square regulars?

Stop Everything. Now.

Channel Five is reshowing Sunset Beach! From Monday 4 September! At 10.20am!
Not sure if it's going to be the whole series, or picking up right from the (not-that-exciting) start. But it's worth setting the video, if not getting Sky+, for!

Worst Series Finale. Ever.

Was that it? Was that seriously it? Bad Girls went out with a whimper last night, neglecting to throw in any cliffhangers or teasers for the next series. All we got was a dream sequence featuring Fenner fearing a life in prison. And some rubbish about Darlene thinking Buxton had hexed her. And the Selena and Kathy Beale Junior aloft a marble arch, campaigning for the rights of women. Spare me.
We needed a police raid during Fenner's wedding, a Kill Bill-style battle to the death between Natalie Buxton and Frances Myers, a kitchen explosion wiping out the two Julies (please let happen soon), and Selena toppling off the marble arch with only that handcuff and KBJ between her and certain death. Note to Shed productions: Employ me!

It's So Not Number One

Right, it's had time to settle down - is (All New) Top of the Pops actually any better than the All Old incarnation? Well, not really, no. For the past few years, TOTP had been the pop show that hates pop music, always ready to substitute a pop belter at number two for some indie dirge that scraped into the charts at number 36. Under the misguided belief that only tunes with guitars are credible, the show reflected less and less the state of the pop charts, resembling more a show put together by a group of ageing Q readers.
All New TOTP made a good start by reinstating its funky, mid-1990s theme tune (the one after the Wizzard, but before the one the Pet Shop Boys did), but also emulated the nineties version by installing a bland, terrified presenter to anchor the show. Thankfully Fern Cotton has since been roped in to add gravitas, but the weak 24/7 news section remains, as does impromptu reports by Christina Christianson (who?) on the state of the charts in New Zealand. Some weeks we even get the album chart, though the presentation of this and the singles charts is fairly random.
Having not seen the show for the past month, I was quite pleased to discover that Friday's show was quite successful as it took its lead from the singles chart, and through in a drop of Girls Aloud as a bonus. In terms of guests, it was no disappointment - though bigger pop performances could make the show must-see - and as soon as the presenting situation is sorted out and the chat minimised, TOTP could be a rival for a potentially Cat-less CD:UK. But then again, so could C4's new pop video show...

Result!

In a move that perhaps has nothing to do with my campaigning/whinging, it appears that 24 bosses have decided to bring the fabulously miserable and neurotic Chloe back for season four. From the spoilers on Ain't It Cool, it seems she could have a bigger role. Perhaps we'll even get to see her in the field, like kick-ass Michelle in series three. Who knows? Let's not get our hopes up, it's not even hitting US screens until early next year...

You leave the country for a couple of weeks...

...and all hell breaks loose. Not that the whole Debbie/Ethan thing hasn't been severely sign posted for months, but surely Emmerdale can come up with something a bit more original so soon after Corrie's Martin/Katy plot?!? And now Diane's been inflicted with a bad-taste cancer plot. At least the demented Alan/Steph storyline could be fun, and Nasty Nicola's as entertaining as ever. Over in Corrie, I not sure about Tracy and Ciaran shacking up together, and Karen's exit doesn't sound like fun - but at least you've got Jack in drag and thingy from Queer as Folk to provide some laughs. Obviously, EastEnders is a as awful as ever - they just need to give Chrissie Watts more to do. And thankfully they've given Vicki the push. Finally, I really can't work out which Hollyoaks characters have been given the boot in the annual summer clear-out. Once they've had their one-episode exit plot, they're never mentioned again.

Anyway, I've got a couple of week's worth of Inside Soap and Heat to catch up on. More soon...

A Normal Service Will Resume...

As I'll be away from British TV, and the ropey stories about top TV shows in the tabloids, for the next fortnight, I won't be updating my blog for a while. So what better way to sign off than with a comedy soap picture? Tatty bye!

10 Reasons to Salute 24's Third Series

1. Jack's terrible crack addiction which lasted from 1.00-6.00pm
2. Michelle gong all Dark Angel, judo-chopping henchmen and shouting at petulent, disease-ridden guests.
3. Cult comedy character Chloe - when not almost being suspended during the pointless baby plot, Chloe proved herself an unlikely computer genius. And her totally selfish attitude, and condescending attitude to Kim, made her Character of the Series. Highlight? When the kidnapped Michelle broke free and phoned CTU in the penultimate episode, only for Chloe to tell her the line was bad and she didn't have time to talk.
4. Sherry Palmer proving as evil as ever. Her killing the judge from Ally McBeal byt talking at him was great, and the way she thought she'd escaped being shot (just before she was shot) were ace.
5. Adam's forest-like eyebrows.
6. The way Kim and Sherry managed to cram in three or four different hairstyles throughout the day. Do they have all-night barbers in LA?
7. Continuing the 24 tradition of completely changing bad guys five times a series. First it's the Salazars, then its Nina, then its the first English guy, then its Saunder (the second English guy), then its some random bloke on the subway. Can't the producers contract a villain for all 24 episodes next time?
8. Kim only got kidnapped twice - and once by one of her team members.
9. The entire first eight episodes being declared pointless when it turns out Gael was a good guy, and Jack and Tony were helping the a Salazars along for very vague reasons.
10. Jack cracking up. Tony going down. Chase getting amputated. Palmer standing down. Saunders getting randomly shot by Gael's widow (who let her near a gun). The penultimate episode's explosive, bomber plane take down. Kim having a dark-haired, equally dumb lookalike. Jim Robinson coming back for just five minutes. Pointless torture scenes. We could (and no doubt will) go on....

Look Who's Back!

Just when Fenner and Di reckoned they had Grayling stitched up and were ready to take control of G-wing, along comes former boss, the fitted-up Karen Betts. Will she finally get her revenge on the female-impersonating Fenner? Possibly, though perhaps not until wedding bells chime at the end of the series...

Emmerdale Exit

It looks like Patsy Kensit's dreams of being Emmerdale's resident superbitch are about to come true - as Emma Atkins (aka Charity Dingle-Tate) has announced she'll be leaving early next year. The first dilemma comes in deciding what to do with Charity - will she die, be jailed (perhaps for murdering Old Man King) or just run off with all the Kings' money? And secondly, with Charity gone, who will Sadie get to cat-fight with? Her new friendship with mad vet Zoe had best end soon as the two would make better enemies than friends...

EastEnders: The Soap

Having established many times that EastEnders has reached the end of its shelf-life and needs putting out of its misery, we've finally realised what should replace it. A soap based on the real-life escapades of the Enders' cast. Episodes would last an hour - half of which would be the London-based soap, the other half being a Big Brother style insight into backstage feuding. As the tabloids are full of rumours regarding Windsor and Wallace fighting, and Richie thinking he's too good for the soap (which, at the moment, he is), this would make far more entertaining television than the current rut-stuck soap we're having to endure.

Bad Harold

Harold Bishop's personality-changing stroke initially seemed a little too like Susan Kennedy's comedy amnesia, but his latest transformation – into a dirty old man – is most amusing. Watching him stare down the tops of coffee-shop customers and making comments about melons, you could be mistaken for thinking the writers have been reading a few too many weekly mens' mags. What will his next incarnation be? Serial killer? Transsexual? Who can tell?

BBC2's adaptation of Jake Arnott's The Long Firm has so far proved a little disappointing. It's hard to put a finger on why as it's going through the motions nicely - the period stuff looks great, the acting's fine and the stories themselves haven't been fiddled with too much. It just seems rather tame, despite the subject matter. Perhaps we've just become immune to violence on shows like The Sopranos and Oz to really feel any shock, but there was just no sense of menace in last night's episode. And Harry seems neutered, only getting the odd peck on the cheek from his boyfriends for his efforts. And what's it doing on BBC2 anyway? If Harry was straight, it'd be primetime BBC1, proving that occasionally the Beeb still can produce quality, non police o hospital-related drama.

More "shocking" plots...

EastEnders suits have revealed their plan to spice up the soap - another new family. This one, built around the catalogue-modelesuq Micky Miller, will be so scandalous that their 13-year-old daughter will be - brace yourselves - pregnant. How original? It's not like Corrie did this a few years ago with Sarah-Lou, or Emmerdale almost ten years ago with the irritating Cairns family. Whatever next? They'll have them having adulterous affairs, or something equally ground-breaking...

We're deeply upset by the casting carnage occurring over on CSI at the moment. Gone are Jorja Fox's whiney Sara, and George Eads chisle-jawed Nick - they wanted more money, but the producers felt their characters' lack of character made them dispensable. Which, to be fair, they were - not even Sara's semi-fatal-attraction attraction to Gil could spice her up, while Nick had a pretty face until uber-geek lab assistant Greg turned up. Still, we should be jolly over rumours Reiko Aylesworth (24's long-suffering but now redundant Michelle) might be joining the cast. And Jorja Fox can return to ER and strike up a relationship with Kerry, who used to discriminate against her until the writers decided she also should be gay...

Hogan's Ghost!

We're all for stunt casting in ITV dramas, but Duncan from Blue signing up to appear in Heartbeat? The world's gone mad. If he acts as well as he presents, the Yorkshire cop drama's in for a trouble. As if Gary Barlow's "guest" appearance wasn't bad enough...

Just noticed...

...all the pics have dropped off the page, so here's one of Angie for no real reason. It's just a reminder of to whom we aspire to one day be.

Chloe O'Brien: 24's real hero

As 24 shuttles towards its conclusion this week, and after most of the cast decide to call it a day, there is one character we demand returns next year. Well two, really. Techie eye-candy Adam must not be allowed to get away, neither must CTU misery Chloe. For the first few hours we were unsure of her purpose. She was miserable, made insensitive comments, and was just pruely irritating. It was only when we realised that she wasn't simply a red-herring, but this year's comedy character that we realised she was the second best thing in the show (number one being Sherry Palmer's evil fringe). Chloe's flipancy, scowling and generaly oddness provide brief relief from the twisty-turny plots, and we want more of her next year. team her up with Jack and send her into the field. Series four will need all the familiar faces it can muster.

Eldorado - The Memories Will Last Forever

While watching How Soaps Changed the World, not only were we reminded how awful EastEnders has become, but also of the sheer excellence of Eldorado. Not early Eldorado, of course, but the later episodes when the producers finally realised we didn't want to watch EastEnders in the Sun, and starting filling the soap with kidnappings, unexplained deaths and pointless affairs. If only they'd sone the full hog and axed the damn-tedious Lockhead family and recruited some more bronzed beauties, it would be giving Emmerdale a run for its money in the 7.00pm slot. Anyway, here're some of our favourite things about Los Barcos.
1. Brooding hunk Javier turning gay and drowning himself in a shallow bath to avoid a) having to wed Swedish man-woman Ingrid, and b) bedding wet, geriatric lover Freddie.
2. Isabel Leduc - the sluttiest resident of the town was a French Kim Cattrell clone, whose relentless pursuit of gormless Dane Per Svenson was hilarious, if a little degrading.
3. Oh, we can't remember his name, but Pilar's hunky hubbie, who went from nice stable-hand to abusive spouse in no time what so ever. Who can forget the time he laughably cornered Marcoos in a deserted villa and somehow managed to screw up shooting him, despite firing at close range and no one else being anywhere around?
4. Abuela - the Fernandez's sinister grandmother who didn't say a word for the entire year.
5. Joy Slater getting beaten up by her dodgy boyfriend, getting amnesia and going back to live with him.
6. German surf-god Dieter - he didn't understand English, but why axe him?
7. Crazy Rosario Fernandez going crazier and stalking her psychiatrist.
8. See also: Olive King and her binoculars. Fiz jumping off Brightin pier. The beach-bar boy's comedy schizophrenia. Nessa's boyf Razor. Marcoos's nekid horse riding. We could go on...

Britney Does a Kylie

Who on Earth decides which tracks get released off albums? For the past three albums, Kylie's had a nasty habit of releasing the blandest tracks available, and now Britney's putting out the highly duff Outrageous as her next single? Why? Is it because she thinks its faux-Neptune production will placate the critics who inexplicably keep claiming she's heading down the spout (despite her recent number ones)? Or a Madonna-like stab at credability at the expense of music? Please Britney, it's the pop fans who buy your singles, so please release perfect dancey-pop tunes like Breath on Me or Brave New Girl. Please!?!

Here Comes the Science Bit...

In another case of "bad science", or indeed just a made-up tabloid tale, Jennifer Aniston is apparently on the waiting list to receive the latest celebrity accessery: a labradoodle. This "must-have" dog is a cross between a labrador and a poodle, and has the potential to be the freakist looking thing on the planet. At least Geri Halliwell's mini-mutt will appear a little more normal now.

Morag Bellingham: We Salute You

Whenever Home and Away gets a bit dreary, there's only one thing to do. The producers pick up their special Ginger Phone and get a direct line through to the plush residence of Morag Bellingham. And zoom, she's there in moments in her Morag-mobile. Last time she excelled in her feud with psycho-teacher Angie Russell while trying to lock brother Alf up in the mental bin for chatting to his dead wife. And now she's returned – inexplicably intent on jailing Dani for accidentally running over the guy who raped her. And with Dani almost certain to go down, Morag will be able to twirl her hypothetical villain's moustache, perhaps tying Jade to a nearby railway track for good measure, and zoom off to The City to hatch her next nefarious plot. Come again soon!

Five is the new Four

After years of Channel 4 screwing around with top shows Dawsons' Creek, Angel and Alias, we were thrilled when he learnt Five had pinched the rights and hoped we'd soon be able to watch them in decent slots. How wrong we were. This year Five had the rights to Party in the Park, and following the terrible T4 attempts at televising the event (replacing live performances with inane chats backstage), we thought the fifth channel couldn't do it any worse. Once again, wrong for so many reasons. Geri Halliwell's incessent flirting with anything vaguely male. Every time the presenters linked to something, they'd stand puzzled until the voices in the head told them to link to something else. Duncan Blue - hopeless. Bland film reviewer from MTV - hopeless. Missing decent performances for the sake of Anastacia hurling balls at celeb heads. We thought being miles from the front of the event was bad, but it was even harder to view the "Party" from the confort of our own home.

Corrie's Got the Upper Hand

The Corrie OAPs are comedy gold already, but news that avenger Honor Blackman is joining the Street as randy pensioner Rula just illustrates why this soap is 2000 times better than EastEnders. One quibble though – how come she's shacking up with Norris. Admittedly he married Derek's ex Angela, but recently there's been loads of insinuations about his sexuality. Speaking of which, let's hope our worst fears about the "twist" in rivals Rita and Rula's "past relationship" aren't as filthy as we've been imagining.

Robinson Return

As if we weren't excited enough about the return of Paul Robinson to Neighbours, just thinking about all the possible Robinson-related characters and plots is blowing our tiny minds. First up, Ramsay Street ain't Ramsay Street without a disapproving, gossiping neighbour – so we demand Hilary Robinson return for more hilarious encounters. We can quite imagine in her in a cat-fight with Valda. Naturally, singing sensations the Blakeney/Alessi Twins must also be reconscripted to the cause, as you can't have enough "which twin have I just slept with" comedy japes. They could also being their fit cousin Dan with them. And if Harold can come back from the dead, so can Jim Robinson. If only Alan Dale would give up his now-starring role in The OC...

We’ve Got a Copycat on Our Hands

Waking the Dead has always attempted to be CSI: Watford, but Trevor Eve’s new Grisom-alike beard is a rip-off to far. Get rid of it now. And here’s hoping Claire Goose’s departure from the show will be suitably gory…

Whatever Happened to the Comedy Zone?

As if BBC2’s Comedy Zone wasn’t struggling enough to justify its name (what with laugh-free Two Pints… and smug-straight-fest Coupling), along comes The Keith Barret Show - a programme that has been yanked from the schedules at the last minute so many times, we were amazed to be actually able to watch it last night. The aforementioned yanking was wise, as TKBS was pretty awful. Rob Byrdon appears to be the new Steve Coogan, in that he can only play the one character, and giving the cuckolded cab driver a chat show is the most derivative idea of all time. Mrs Merton did it over a decade ago, and much funnier too. Brydon had no real jokes, and just repeated anything humorous said by last night’s guests Richard & Judy in order to raise a laugh. A wise choice of guests, Rich and Jude saved the show from being a complete waste of half-an-hour with their self-deprecating, happy-to-send-themselves-up attitude. Please BBC2, just show Vic & Bob in Catterick ASAP.

The Spirit of Brookside Lives On

Off work for the week, I’ve finally had chance to sample The Courtroom - Channel 4’s super-cheap daytime soap. And it was everything Brookside ever was, and less. Comedy caricatures of ethnic minorities; non-speaking extras pulled off the street owing to budget requirements; the un-universal truth that anyone with money is evil, while all poor people are saintly; the corny fades between scenes. Plus, there’s the opportunity to play spot the former famous face, today’s being The One Out of Ruth Rendell Who wasn’t Wexford. The best part is after the verdict, when we are informed of what became after the (fictional) characters after the trial! The Beeb must be thanking Redmond and co, as compared to this, their daytime saga Doctors look likes like it has the budget of Titantic.

Free One! Free One!

As much as I think McDonald's football chanting adverts are the work of an evil genius, I'm thankful Euro 2004 is over if only to see the back of that giggly, flirtatious McD worker who insists on informing people of special offers by placing her chin on her shoulder and smiling coquetishly at the aforementioned football lout. Leave it. You work at McDonalds, and thus you reak of burger griddles and your pores are clogged with chip fat, making your skin worse than any Home and Away extra. Stop flirting with the customers, and maybe you'll get a few more stars on that badge of yours. And why do I have to wait so long to get a damn veggie burger. It's the 21st century, for God's sake.

Aaaaggggghhhhhh! It's Rustie Lee.

LivingTV treats us to another I'm Famous and I'm Frightened a fortnight today, and as usual only the latter adjective can really be used to describe the guests. Topping the bill is TV:AM muppet Rustie Lee, though it will be great to see Kelly from Emmerdale back on the Box – the sooner she returns to the village for another spot of semi-incest the better. Hopefully Cheggers will be a suitable scared replacement for shrieking banshee Yvette Fielding, though whether Terry Christian will enter into the spirit of things is questionable. Only fourteen days to go...

Just the Man(ning)

In an effort to make up for next week's awful After Hours specials, Hollyoaks have recruited Night and Day's resident heartbreaker Stuart Manning – aka wet footballer Sam – to play the soap's new resident heartbreaker. Let's hope his new persona gets a bit more to do than be stalked by schoolgirls, question his faith and becoming a rabbi. But having already displayed a tendency of needlessly stripping in front of evil aunt Lesley Joseph, the countdown to his first gratuitous pant-dropping plot begins now...

Another rubbish EastEnders plot...

EastEnders bosses are planning to spice up the Ferrera family by having a prostitute move in with them. Now I haven't seen the soap for a week or two, but aren't they all living in a one-room flat? And if anyone must move in with them, could it not be some sort of acid-bath serial killer? Please?

Eye brows raised, toothy smile: "And finally..."

For many years (well, at least two), there was only one piece of eye candy for fans of regional news in London. We've watched Keir Simmons endure tube strikes, tube crashes and tube extensions, and worshipped his unflappably straight manner. However, he has been surpassed in the local news hottie league by former Radio 1 entertainment hound Matt Barbet. The main attraction to the wide-eyed, spiky-blonde journo is the fact that he looks like he's being operated by a Jim Henson animatronic expert. After every report, there's a wide grin or the arching of his forest-like eyebrows. Thus, we've decided to hand Matt the much fought-after title of "The Bear in the Big Blue House of BBC Local News". We salute him.

Bar-Room Blitz

Much excitement down Corrie as Keith Duffy looks set to quit the Rovers and open an Irish-themed pub with wealthy granny Penny. Hopefully this will provide Fred and Shelley with a much-needed excuse to revamp the ageing pub, perhaps in a Making Mansions kind of way. But how long till Penny ditches Mike Baldwin for Oirish toyboy totty Ciaran?

Mmmmm... Cilla

The sooner mean-faced Cilla (best description: Jimmy Krankie in drag) marries Les and becomes a fully-fledged resident of Coronation Street, the better. By managing the impossible and making Les's ex Janice seem like a rather nice human being, Cilla has proved herself to be the best person to shake up the Street. Which whining Weather wrench do we want to see her feud with next? Either Sally Webster or Liz MacDonald...

Last Night's TV Highlight

Corrie Casualties

The investment Corrie producers put into building a hospital set in more than paying off now. In fact, why are they opening a second pub for Keith Duffy to run, they could simply install him in the hospital canteen? Not only do half (slight exaggeration) the cast work there, and half spend their time visiting, a third half are soon to be admitted as Corrie is taken over by life-threatening disease. Dev's got cancer, Sunita a tumour, and Martin looks set to overdose after his school-girl lover leaves him. But as Martin's the only trained medical prefessional in town, who's going to restore him to health?

The Bill: Stunt Casting at it's Finest

Lynda Bellingham! As the mad matriach of a family of crims! The Bill is truly the leader in casting the stars we want in the roles we want, though Holby (who pioneered this dizzying craze) is a close second. The next actor we want to see return to primetime fame? It's got to be 'Allo 'Allo's Yvette – Vicky Michelle. She'd be great as Kat Slater's long-lost mum, or a glamorous love rival for Charity Dingle-Tate-King. Someone sort it.

A June Wedding

At last June and Jim are getting wed in The Bill. Of course, a happy ending is far from likely in the increasingly bonkers police soap - but at least June's stopped sleeping with her non-son, and Jim's ditched his hubbie-battering spouse. The Carvers could become The Bill's very own Harold and Madge, with Tony Stamp as love rival Lou Carpenter, Gina Gold as staunch, authoritarian aggrovater Dorothy Burke. It's only a matter of time...

Helter Skleter Belter

Having just seen some snaps of EastEnders forthcoming fairground carnage spectacular, we've decided we're going to have to tune in for at least a few episodes of Britain's Worst Soap. Not onlt does the Helter Skelter of Doom resemble some sort of Dr Who baddie, but it's done us the favour of collapsing on top of the Car Lot. And if we never have to endure a plot centred around used cars ever again, we'll be extremely happy.

I really feel I should be watching...

...Hell's Kitchen. Especially as Amanda Barrie proved as mad as a ladder - he punch up with Ramsey proving there is life in the celebrity reality show yet. I'm just hoping that there's going to a US version in which American stars are given a chance to work in Martika's Kitchen. Come on and get some, as she kind of said.

It's an, er, cliffhanger

Last night's conluding episode of ER rolled out with more cliffhangers than a typical Shortland Street Christmas climax. Neela and Sam both seemed to be taking a hike out of Country General, though as they're both new this year, it seems unlikely either have managed to get out of their five-year contracts. My real concern is for Chen, who's only storyline this year has seen her nursing her sick, strict dad who was forced to come to Chicago as there were no hosiptals near his village in China. Now, following a road-rage shooting and drive-off, Chen, Pratt and some extra were last seen careening towards the camera before a quick fade to black. Seeing as how Pratt commands a third place in the credits, if anyone's going to croak it must be Chen. And who will care? Bring back Leslie Bibb as Blonde Doctor Number Seven, that's what I say. Kind of.

I'm Not Watching Big Brother, but...

...when is all this alleged tension and hatred going to break out? No one except the voice of Big Brother is at all annoyed by Kitten's teenage rebellions, and the alleged evil homophobe is carve the word queer into scream queen Marco's bare flesh. On the hot totty front, Marco does have a suprisingly masculine chest, though Stuart's overly personal-trainered pecs and bum are the only thing currently worth tuning in for.

Right back where we started...

Another season of Cutting It concludes, and again we end up on that rather night bridge somewhere near Weatehrfield Quays. This time it was Finn's turn to have a good cry before heading to the airport and out of the lives of the Henshall-Faradays, at least until this time next year. And what with Ruby realising her mum's ex-husband is not the man for her, the path is clear for an Allie and Gavin reunion. Which is all we ever wanted anyway, isn't it? Hopefully there's a fourth series in the pipeline, though can there really be any more fashion awards in the north east of England that the crimpers haven't won??!

Desperation in Walford

EastEnders, the once-popular soap that only the staff at Heat magazine are talking about, is about to take a leaf out of Emmerdale's book and stage a grand disaster. Instead of a tornado, air crash or nuclear meltdown, the idiots at the BBC have decided a fun fair tragedy is in order. Pauline, Dot and Lyn look set to be crushed by a collapsing helter-skelter in a storyline that will undoubtedly be as exciting as when the Arches collapsed on Gianni and Annie Palmer... And let's not forget the sheer terribleness of Enders' previous special effects - the slow-mo escapades of the fire that killed Trevor and Tom, or the time Steve Owen crashed into a cardboard box before his car was engulfed by flames. Chances are no one who really deserves to be killed off will be...

My Two Aims for Tonight

Mow the lawn. Watch Corrie.

The Week That Was...

Aargh, a week without internet access has passed. Best round-up the irritations of the past seven days. First, Eurovision - forget about the block voting accustations, the best song won (excluding Malta's operatic opus). Foxie did the best he could with a yawnsome country'n'western ballad - the viewers chose it, or rather they chose James rather than the song. To avoid bias towards a singer, perhaps just one artist should perform all the songs, like the good old days of Michael Ball and Sonia... Elsewhere, Bad Girls three-night Tanya Turner special was as nonsensical as expected. Yardie crims, prison poisoners and wardens dressed up as Elvis - just like real life. Not so pleased about Neighbours' Sky's transformation from grungey teen to prom queen, though thankfully creepy Gus is getting creepier and Izzy's getting sluttier. That's probably enough for now...

Next Sunday on Sky One...

...How Gay is Gordon Ramsay - a look at the chef's masculinity.
(Note to Sky: Hurry up and sign that HBO deal, eh?

Van Helsing

There are already a plethora of Dracula flicks - many of the more recent ones being entirely awful - do we really need another one? Stephen Sommers seems to think so, and his idea of taking every fictional Victorian monster and having Stoker's original demon hunter Van Helsing slay them does sound promising. But the film just doesn't know what it wants to be. It tries to be scary, but with a 12A rating, it can't be. It wants to be funny, but with a drab script and wooden actors, it can't be. It wan't to be exciting, but again it fails as every monster and locaction is so obviously CGId, there's never any sense of danger. And any designs the film has on being a crowd-pleasing summer blockbuster are quashed by the gloomy locations and feel-bad conclusion. Disappointingly dull, and hideously sentimental at inappropriate times. Perhaps things could be rectified in a sequel (which is obviously being set up), though with all 19th-century demons vanquished (including a cameo from Mr Hyde), who knows what direction the plot would take...

Chart Justice

After reading some worrying mid-week charts, I was thrilled when Mark Goodier Jnr (Wes) announced that Ash had charted higher than evil, Christian-rockers Lost Prophets. If I have to see pretty boy frontman Ian Watkins on another TV show bemoaning all other music, I will have no choice but to smash the goggle box. So, hurrah for Ash!

More Channel 4 Rubbish

Instead of spending their cash on quality US imports and showing the remaining episodes of Oz at a decent time, Channel 4 are now apparently planning on launching a reality show in which contestants are infected with a variety of comedy diseases for our viewing pleasure. Please stop this C4 - as the direly dull Fit Farm and Back to Reality prove, reality TV is so over. Come up with something new. Just remember to avoid the two Rs - reality and Redmond...

Kill Bill Vol Two Times Two Equals...

Gave Kill Bill Vol.2 a second viewing last night and enjoyed it vastly more than the first time. Not that I didn't love it previously, but there was always the hope that a huge fight sequence was round the corner. This time, knowing that it is an entirely different film to Vol. 1, I sat back and just let it roll out rather than impatiently waiting for some kung-fu kicks, and loved every single second of it. Yes, it's drawn out and doesn't race to its conclusion, but that's what makes it so beautiful. It's like Jackie Brown – a brilliant story told at a pace it deserves. I'm so disappointed with the film mags' lukewarm reviews (undoubtedly concerned about repeating their hyperbolic Matrix Reloaded reviews) – Vol 2 rectifies all of their complaints that the first part doesn't contain Tarantino's trademark dialogue. Both parts are amazing in their own way, and the closing credits montage of Vol 2 is perhaps the finest three minutes on celluloid ever. Hyperbole aside.

Bad Girls Spectacular!

Bonus! To celebrate Tanya Turner arriving at Larkhall, ITV1 are slamming Bad Girls on three times in one week. It almost makes up for Murder City. Almost...

The Little Baby Is All That's Important Right Now

At last! The Beeb has finally realised that we don't want to be talked down to between nine and ten every morning. With the axing of 'Now You're Talking' - the Kilroy show without Kilroy - schedulers have noticed my pain at being subjected to ranting East Anglians for an hour each morning. Trisha, the lesser of the two evils, remains, but at least now they'll be a choice of shows to watch, even if it is just more of Ben Fogle staring at animals. There's nothing more depressing that watching trailer trash quarrel over lie-detector and paternity test, and the sooner all public washing of dirty laundry is axed from our screens the better (even when it is masquerading as a Channel 4 lifestyle show). I'm willing to let Trisha remain, if only because her new Afro-barnet reminds me of no-nonsense-nurse Haleh from ER...

Please EastEnd Soon

So anyway, I tuned into Britain's worst soap (EastEnders, of course) to see if the drama of Laura's death could spice things up. Whilst it's great that Pat's being given something juicy to do at last (fit Janine up for laura's murder), I was shocked by just how Acorn-Antique-like the writing, acting and directing had become.
Worst offender on the acting front is Chris-Whats-His-Face who plays Spencer in the style of six-year-old in a nativity play, though the entire Watts and Slater clans are pretty dreadful as well. Hopefully the ongoing cast cleanout means they'll be recruiting some decent (and ideally fit) new actors - but unless the storylining team gets the bullet as well, we'll just be inflicted with more pointless love-triangle and gangsta plots until the viewing millions finally wise up and switch off.
May we congratulate Hannah Waterman and Charlie Brooks - two of only a handful of good actors in the soap - on having the good sense to realise their characters were descending into two-dimensional stereotypes destined to relive the same storylines forever, and bowing out while the going is (not very) good.

No more, Channel 4

Channel 4 continues to roll out derivative lifestyle mush with aplomb. The channel really needs a strand entitled "isn't it funny how people who are entirely different don't get on".
Last night's offering, Fairy Godfathers, was a Queer Eye rip-off that subtly observed that straight farmers from Yorkshire have little in common with urban arty gays. Who's have thought? The homos were recruited by the wives of the aforementioned farmers to teach their hubbies the ways of the gays (minus the bedroom side, presumably).
Naturally, the farmers were dirty and sexist, while the gays exhibited all the qualities the farmers' wives hoped for. The men were transformed into well-dressed, nicely coiffered semi-gay house-husbands. Which is great - until the toilet needs unblocking and they're too busy colour co-ordinating their wardrobes to help...

Insert Cake pun here...

I'm frankly amazed at how Bad Girls has survived the loss of topdog Yvonne Atkins with barely a blink of an eye. Admittedly, there's no queen Bea at the moment (though Gina off Hollyoaks could well rectify that in a couple of weeks), but the genius introduction of sex-crazed boss Frances has more than made up for that. After all, strife in the staff room has always been far more interesting - especially with fitted-up former governor Karen Betts on her way back.

And isn't 2D rastafarian Darlene Cake the best comic character yet? She's basically a female, less psychotic version of Adebisi off Oz. A menacing cross between Ali G and Fatima Whitbread is just what G-wing needs to lighten things up. And things will need lightening up...

Bring on the Sniping Snippers

The amazing Cutting It is back, though last night's mix of weddings and births was definitely below par. It's no fun when everyone's getting along and playing happy families.What's more, Fin appears to have aged ten years between series, making Gavin the resident (only) hottie. We've got a few weeks to wait till superbitch Mia returns to make mischief in Manchester. In the meantime, we're relying on Darcy going doollally again and leading the snippers into various bitch fights. And wasn't Allie's mum far more fun when she was a dirty, dog-loving depressive?

While I'm here, I have to mention EastEnders' latest terrible decision - to bring back moaning Michelle Fowler. Only with a new head. As if replacing Daniella Westbrook's Sam Mitchell with an bland Hollyoaks blonde was not enough. MichelleTwo had better be as awfully glum as the original, and any storylines involving a Michelle/Sharon/Dennis love triangle must be averted. Let's hope she hasn't picked up her daughter's US accent...

The ever-excellent Eileen popped round to Karl's for a quick sex education lesson in last night's Corrie. As well as the nicely shoe-horned-in Idiot's Guide To... Being Gay, we got to marvel at what the set designers believe are essential items in any homo household. Most promising was the bedside hockey mask, which can mean the storyline is going in one of two directions. Either Todd's in for an unexpected S&M session (in a late-night Hollyoaks style episode), or Karl's going to don the mask and go crazy on the soap's deadwood with a chainsaw. In which case, can Martin go first?

Okay, here goes with the beginning of yet another blog ranting about the painful details of tawdry telly and the vexing events of everyday life. More to come. Perhaps.