Where Did That Truck Come From?

Corrie's descent into a curious amalgamation of Reservoir Dogs, Backkdraft and Final Destination threatened to get a tad dull. Mad Maya Monday was slightly let down by the fact that two of the day's episodes contained virtually no Maya-related mayhem. Thankfully last night's double bill was pure demented brilliance. Not only did the Corrie corner shop go up in an explosion of Brookside proportions, but a madder-than-nad Maya then tried to run over Sunita. Crashing into a wall at the end of the street, we thought that would be the end of her, in a disappointingly Don Brennan-esque death. Only no, the blood-soaked wicked wrench was fine and was ready to make her escape - and then that truck came out of no where, ploughing into her car. How was I expected to get to sleep after that?

Last night's last five minutes of Corrie were utterly brilliant as the entire cast came out in their dressing gowns to witness the madess. And what's great about the soap, is that the carnage is not just going to affect the Alahans, but will have terrible consequences for the Websters and poor, poor Shelley...

Five Funny Things on TV This Week

1. Peep Show – Racial sausage incidents, rainbow ribbons, email hacking, butt-shaped yoghurt spillages: made even funnier by the fact I know a real-life Jeremy. Still, it’s a jollier portrayal of flat-sharing than my place.

2. Corrie – Cilla and Les’s disastrous Hawaiian night (anything with Cilla and Janice shouting), the Barlows appearing on an atrocious TV game show (Liz hitting on the scandal-hir, Deayton-esque presenter was genius), every other line of dialogue: comedy gold.

3. Arrested Development – Took a few weeks to get into it (the break-neck scene-switching, fake flashbacks and flashforwards and seemingly twee Ron Howard narration were initially off-putting), but this deliciously evil sitcom has really taken off. Even the Christmas episode climaxed in an escaped felon dressed as Jesus being probed with a stun gun.

4. Little Britain – Goes without saying, doesn’t it. Sebastian and the PM are still not funny, and Emily’s friend Florence is a pointless addition, but still more laughs than any sketch show in recent years. Matt Lucas is the true star – Vicky Pollard, Marjorie Dawes and Dafydd steal the show, though mini-Dennis Waterman is a wonderfully demented invention.

5. Nighty Night (even meaner/funnier with every viewing), Harry Hill (he may have run out of original material, but no one takes the mick out of TV better), Corrie’s Oliver Twist spoof (superbly done), Betty Eagleton (how did Emmerdale cope in her absence?)

Five Unfunny Things on TV This Week

1. Max and Paddy - Such a waste. Stilted comedy banter (the script is built around a couple of jokes), uncharismatic leads, and elaborately heavy handed movie spoofs – it’s like watching an episode of The Simpsons on slow-mo. Pheonix Nights succeeded because of its broad range of brilliant characters, and Max and Paddy were always the least convincing. Hanging a series around them is madness. Just because John Cleese only made two series of Fawlty Towers, why do other comics struggle to make more than twelve episodes of their comedies?

2. EastEnders’ football plot – Supposedly light relief, but what do we need light relief from? Quality shows such as The Sopranos or Twin Peaks carry off the switch between good comedy and heart-rending drama perfectly, realising that a scene becomes even more emotional or scary if it is preceded by laughs. EastEnders has no light or shade at the moment, so how it can hope to play with out emotions by offering jaw-dropping contrasts like Corrie does? Oh, and the Miller family just don’t work.

3. French and Saunders – Stick with the Christmas specials, girls. Spreading their meagre material to a six-week run was overkill. The running gag was that Dawn and Jen were being forced to write a new series and had no idea what to fill it with. Well, the joke was on us. Even the usually excellent film parodies were lame. A Kill Bill pastiche was thrown away, while the Cold Mountain spoof was saved by a natty faux director’s commentary.

4. Dead Ringers – Disappointing this. ‘Twas once full of very-Radio Four-esque humour and pretty good impressions. But now that there’s a new series every few months, the material is running thin. Give it a rest, eh?

5. The Kumars at No 42 – lame Mrs Merton rip-off. Never was funny. Never will be funny. And the same goes for the soon-to-be repeated Keith Barrett Show. Anyone can make of z-list celebs, why not try writing something amusing?

Five Things That Robbed Casualty of Credibility This Week

1. Christopher Timothy killed Fin! Yep, that nice vet-turned-doctor killed the jovial paramedic and will shortly take a tumble during a roof-top tussle with winsome widow Comfort.

2. The mother of the sick, pregnant drama obsessive turned out to be SARAH GREEN. Yes, the Sarah Green. What is going on?

3. Comfort’s accent – it’s getting more Jamaican with grief. And while we’re at, Fin from Hollyoaks west country accent needs dealing with, as does that Ukrainian/Serbian/whatever nurse’s.

4. Liz Carling and Maxwell Caulfield – playing doctors. She was the second Dervla Kirwan in Goodnight Sweetheart, he was the shy-young-thing in the second, underrated Grease movie.

5. I still can’t work out what’s happened to Charlie. Has he left? Did Dr Baz’s death prompt him to go find himself? Is he coming back?

Soap Justice

Hurrah! The truly awful Val Lambert is winging her way back to Emmerdale. Her sole purpose in life is to wind up her sister Diane (aka T-Bag), and she’s at it again. In a brilliant attempt to steal the spotlight from her recently married and cancer suffering saint of a sis, Val flies back from Spain with a toy boy in tow – only she’s paying him to pretend they’re dating. Brilliant. Val, her drag-queen son Paul and mahogany-coated ex Rodney are the ultimate dysfunctional family.

Shoddy Dad-Rockers Return

As U2 race towards the top of the singles chart, I feel I should congratulate Bono and co for using the re-recording of the Band Aid tune – and thus the millions starving in the Third World – as excellent publicity for staging a come back. Well done to all concerned.

Debbie McAllister: We Salute You

Last night another of Sun Hill’s finest left the station for good – though, unusually for the new Bill, Debbie McAllister walked out of her own accord, and not in a body bag. No more will she stride meaningfully through the day-glow corridors of the station, flirting with old-time Jack Meadows and picking girlish quarrels ala Moonlighting with pretty boy detective Phil Hunter. At least the flame-haired DS, for one final time squeezed into her trademark sub-Avengers-style leather top, told dull DI Manson what she thought of him, and flung herself at Meadows before she left. It’s been an eventful few years for Debbie – if she wasn’t getting raped by her serial-rapist, superintendent lover, she was dallying with lesbianism with short-term characters – and she will be missed. Just don’t let Phil follow her just yet…

The Basketball Diaries

As far as homoerotic Saturday morning teen dramas go, One Tree Hill seems to have a lot going for it. Not only is there plenty of slow-mo, tense basketball action and post-match, changing room towel slapping, there’s the increasingly dangerous rivalry between long-lost brothers Lucas and Nathan to set it apart from other shows. Naturally, Lucas is poor and thus represents all that is good in the world, while Nathan has been brought up by his pointlessly nefarious dad in a life of luxury and is therefore bordering on evil. Though of course, he’ll slowly mellow to his brother’s charms and risk the wrath of pa (seen recently sticking a gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger in Six Feet Under). Which is the only real problem – James Lafferty is just too wet to play evil Nathan with any real menace, even when he’s kidnapping Lucas or picking on his fed-up-with-a-shallow-lifestyle cheerleader girlfriend. In fact, this is what’s great about One Tree Hill – every character is a walking cliché, from the aforementioned tormented socialite and her superbly shallow pal, to the so-obviously-about-to-come-out jock who is Lucas’s only mate on the team. It lacks the intelligence of Dawson’s Creek and the sheer craziness of Popular, but the combination of unashamedly obvious plots and potentially hot boy-on-boy action means One Tree Hill is just what’s needed post OC on a Saturday morning.

Red-Haired Uber-Bitches 1, Redundant Pretty Boys 0

‘Twas a sad day in the Orange County, as pointless jock Luke was forced to leave The OC. With the rest of the cast no longer talking to him, Luke decided to hit the highway with his gay dad and start a new life in some other area of America that sounds semi-exotic. And who should we blame for this substantial drop in the hottie-to-minger ratio? The increasingly Alexis-esque Julie Cooper, that’s who. Having, understandably, enticed pretty boy Luke into her carnal love nest of evil, the power-mad divorcee refused to let him go, despite him being her daughter’s former long-term lover. When Marissa found out and eloped to Chino, Luke’s days as a series regular were numbered.

So farewell Luke – who’s going to have pointless punch-ups with Ryan now? And who else could possibly come between Seth and Summer, especially as wonderful comic-book freak Anna has also departed? Julie is left to continue her brilliant evil reign, and she’s set to become even more powerful once she marries Jim Robinson off Neighbours. And is their some sort of crazy correlation between the redness of her hair and her levels of evil genius?

A Normal Service Will Resume Shortly

I have been awoken from my blogging slumber by the news that Kate O'Mara is joining (albeit briefly) the cast of Family Affairs as Chrissy Costello's posh mum. Having starred in some of the most glamorous soaps, how will she react when she learns her character is the mother of a woman who has munchausen's syndrome by proxy, son-in-law is a paedo-battering cabbie, eldest granddaughter has knowingly married a gay, and youngest granddaughter gets abused whenever the storyliners get bored?