Desperation in Walford

EastEnders, the once-popular soap that only the staff at Heat magazine are talking about, is about to take a leaf out of Emmerdale's book and stage a grand disaster. Instead of a tornado, air crash or nuclear meltdown, the idiots at the BBC have decided a fun fair tragedy is in order. Pauline, Dot and Lyn look set to be crushed by a collapsing helter-skelter in a storyline that will undoubtedly be as exciting as when the Arches collapsed on Gianni and Annie Palmer... And let's not forget the sheer terribleness of Enders' previous special effects - the slow-mo escapades of the fire that killed Trevor and Tom, or the time Steve Owen crashed into a cardboard box before his car was engulfed by flames. Chances are no one who really deserves to be killed off will be...

My Two Aims for Tonight

Mow the lawn. Watch Corrie.

The Week That Was...

Aargh, a week without internet access has passed. Best round-up the irritations of the past seven days. First, Eurovision - forget about the block voting accustations, the best song won (excluding Malta's operatic opus). Foxie did the best he could with a yawnsome country'n'western ballad - the viewers chose it, or rather they chose James rather than the song. To avoid bias towards a singer, perhaps just one artist should perform all the songs, like the good old days of Michael Ball and Sonia... Elsewhere, Bad Girls three-night Tanya Turner special was as nonsensical as expected. Yardie crims, prison poisoners and wardens dressed up as Elvis - just like real life. Not so pleased about Neighbours' Sky's transformation from grungey teen to prom queen, though thankfully creepy Gus is getting creepier and Izzy's getting sluttier. That's probably enough for now...

Next Sunday on Sky One...

...How Gay is Gordon Ramsay - a look at the chef's masculinity.
(Note to Sky: Hurry up and sign that HBO deal, eh?

Van Helsing

There are already a plethora of Dracula flicks - many of the more recent ones being entirely awful - do we really need another one? Stephen Sommers seems to think so, and his idea of taking every fictional Victorian monster and having Stoker's original demon hunter Van Helsing slay them does sound promising. But the film just doesn't know what it wants to be. It tries to be scary, but with a 12A rating, it can't be. It wants to be funny, but with a drab script and wooden actors, it can't be. It wan't to be exciting, but again it fails as every monster and locaction is so obviously CGId, there's never any sense of danger. And any designs the film has on being a crowd-pleasing summer blockbuster are quashed by the gloomy locations and feel-bad conclusion. Disappointingly dull, and hideously sentimental at inappropriate times. Perhaps things could be rectified in a sequel (which is obviously being set up), though with all 19th-century demons vanquished (including a cameo from Mr Hyde), who knows what direction the plot would take...

Chart Justice

After reading some worrying mid-week charts, I was thrilled when Mark Goodier Jnr (Wes) announced that Ash had charted higher than evil, Christian-rockers Lost Prophets. If I have to see pretty boy frontman Ian Watkins on another TV show bemoaning all other music, I will have no choice but to smash the goggle box. So, hurrah for Ash!

More Channel 4 Rubbish

Instead of spending their cash on quality US imports and showing the remaining episodes of Oz at a decent time, Channel 4 are now apparently planning on launching a reality show in which contestants are infected with a variety of comedy diseases for our viewing pleasure. Please stop this C4 - as the direly dull Fit Farm and Back to Reality prove, reality TV is so over. Come up with something new. Just remember to avoid the two Rs - reality and Redmond...

Kill Bill Vol Two Times Two Equals...

Gave Kill Bill Vol.2 a second viewing last night and enjoyed it vastly more than the first time. Not that I didn't love it previously, but there was always the hope that a huge fight sequence was round the corner. This time, knowing that it is an entirely different film to Vol. 1, I sat back and just let it roll out rather than impatiently waiting for some kung-fu kicks, and loved every single second of it. Yes, it's drawn out and doesn't race to its conclusion, but that's what makes it so beautiful. It's like Jackie Brown – a brilliant story told at a pace it deserves. I'm so disappointed with the film mags' lukewarm reviews (undoubtedly concerned about repeating their hyperbolic Matrix Reloaded reviews) – Vol 2 rectifies all of their complaints that the first part doesn't contain Tarantino's trademark dialogue. Both parts are amazing in their own way, and the closing credits montage of Vol 2 is perhaps the finest three minutes on celluloid ever. Hyperbole aside.

Bad Girls Spectacular!

Bonus! To celebrate Tanya Turner arriving at Larkhall, ITV1 are slamming Bad Girls on three times in one week. It almost makes up for Murder City. Almost...

The Little Baby Is All That's Important Right Now

At last! The Beeb has finally realised that we don't want to be talked down to between nine and ten every morning. With the axing of 'Now You're Talking' - the Kilroy show without Kilroy - schedulers have noticed my pain at being subjected to ranting East Anglians for an hour each morning. Trisha, the lesser of the two evils, remains, but at least now they'll be a choice of shows to watch, even if it is just more of Ben Fogle staring at animals. There's nothing more depressing that watching trailer trash quarrel over lie-detector and paternity test, and the sooner all public washing of dirty laundry is axed from our screens the better (even when it is masquerading as a Channel 4 lifestyle show). I'm willing to let Trisha remain, if only because her new Afro-barnet reminds me of no-nonsense-nurse Haleh from ER...

Please EastEnd Soon

So anyway, I tuned into Britain's worst soap (EastEnders, of course) to see if the drama of Laura's death could spice things up. Whilst it's great that Pat's being given something juicy to do at last (fit Janine up for laura's murder), I was shocked by just how Acorn-Antique-like the writing, acting and directing had become.
Worst offender on the acting front is Chris-Whats-His-Face who plays Spencer in the style of six-year-old in a nativity play, though the entire Watts and Slater clans are pretty dreadful as well. Hopefully the ongoing cast cleanout means they'll be recruiting some decent (and ideally fit) new actors - but unless the storylining team gets the bullet as well, we'll just be inflicted with more pointless love-triangle and gangsta plots until the viewing millions finally wise up and switch off.
May we congratulate Hannah Waterman and Charlie Brooks - two of only a handful of good actors in the soap - on having the good sense to realise their characters were descending into two-dimensional stereotypes destined to relive the same storylines forever, and bowing out while the going is (not very) good.