No more, Channel 4

Channel 4 continues to roll out derivative lifestyle mush with aplomb. The channel really needs a strand entitled "isn't it funny how people who are entirely different don't get on".
Last night's offering, Fairy Godfathers, was a Queer Eye rip-off that subtly observed that straight farmers from Yorkshire have little in common with urban arty gays. Who's have thought? The homos were recruited by the wives of the aforementioned farmers to teach their hubbies the ways of the gays (minus the bedroom side, presumably).
Naturally, the farmers were dirty and sexist, while the gays exhibited all the qualities the farmers' wives hoped for. The men were transformed into well-dressed, nicely coiffered semi-gay house-husbands. Which is great - until the toilet needs unblocking and they're too busy colour co-ordinating their wardrobes to help...

Insert Cake pun here...

I'm frankly amazed at how Bad Girls has survived the loss of topdog Yvonne Atkins with barely a blink of an eye. Admittedly, there's no queen Bea at the moment (though Gina off Hollyoaks could well rectify that in a couple of weeks), but the genius introduction of sex-crazed boss Frances has more than made up for that. After all, strife in the staff room has always been far more interesting - especially with fitted-up former governor Karen Betts on her way back.

And isn't 2D rastafarian Darlene Cake the best comic character yet? She's basically a female, less psychotic version of Adebisi off Oz. A menacing cross between Ali G and Fatima Whitbread is just what G-wing needs to lighten things up. And things will need lightening up...

Bring on the Sniping Snippers

The amazing Cutting It is back, though last night's mix of weddings and births was definitely below par. It's no fun when everyone's getting along and playing happy families.What's more, Fin appears to have aged ten years between series, making Gavin the resident (only) hottie. We've got a few weeks to wait till superbitch Mia returns to make mischief in Manchester. In the meantime, we're relying on Darcy going doollally again and leading the snippers into various bitch fights. And wasn't Allie's mum far more fun when she was a dirty, dog-loving depressive?

While I'm here, I have to mention EastEnders' latest terrible decision - to bring back moaning Michelle Fowler. Only with a new head. As if replacing Daniella Westbrook's Sam Mitchell with an bland Hollyoaks blonde was not enough. MichelleTwo had better be as awfully glum as the original, and any storylines involving a Michelle/Sharon/Dennis love triangle must be averted. Let's hope she hasn't picked up her daughter's US accent...

The ever-excellent Eileen popped round to Karl's for a quick sex education lesson in last night's Corrie. As well as the nicely shoe-horned-in Idiot's Guide To... Being Gay, we got to marvel at what the set designers believe are essential items in any homo household. Most promising was the bedside hockey mask, which can mean the storyline is going in one of two directions. Either Todd's in for an unexpected S&M session (in a late-night Hollyoaks style episode), or Karl's going to don the mask and go crazy on the soap's deadwood with a chainsaw. In which case, can Martin go first?

Okay, here goes with the beginning of yet another blog ranting about the painful details of tawdry telly and the vexing events of everyday life. More to come. Perhaps.