A couple of Christmas treats...

Despite my initial reservations, BBC1's reboot of Dracula turned out to be a corker. I was dubious about many of the changes to the original novel - Jonathan Harker not escaping Transylvania, Lord Holmwood's links to a secret society being the cause of Dracula actually coming to England, and Van Helsing not being the super demon-hunter he usually us - but they all worked beautifully and were necessary to condense Bram Stoker's weighty tome down to an hour and a half.

Marc Warren was brilliant as the Count, though Dan Stevens was excellent as the feckless interpretation of Holmwood, whose desire to find a cure for syphilis resulted in the bloodbath.

The night before, The Ruby in the Smoke offered similar chills to a more family-friendly audience. Having not read Philip Pullman's source novel, the story seemed confused with rather too much going on in too little time. A two-part adaptation would perhaps worked better, or would taking a few liberties with the plot as Dracula chose. Still, it was a rollicking story, not afraid to shy-away from death, full of adventure and intrigue. Billie Piper was, as ever, brilliant , Matt Smith was a great cockney clerk Jim, and Julie Walters aced as the murderous Mrs Holland I wasn't always entirely sure what was going on, but enjoyed it from start to finish.

The follow-up, The Shadow in the North, is due later in 2007 and I'll be looking forward to it. Though it may be a good idea to read the novel first...

Yawn, it's Corrie

Corrie's got problems. A couple years back, it was great at doing big plots with a myriad mini storylines going on around them. Now, the big plots have become absurd, taking EastEnders-style liberties with character development, and the mini-stories are just dull.

The biggest fault is that the writers are building up supposedly huge plots that are either not very interesting or just totally untrue to the characters they involve. Not only was Danny Baldwin's exit storyline a vast anticlimax, the idea of Frankie accepting Jamie is a lover was just implausible. Now we have Tracy Barlow plotting to frame Charlie for domestic violence (which should be a great plot), before killing him. Turning Tracy into a killer is just as stupid as turning Katy Harris into a killer. It's a waste of a good character and does nothing to showcase the skills of a great actress.

Let's hope 2007 sees a return to a more realistic, character-based soap which rewards viewers with great storylines for a great cast.

So, was the extremely lacklustre demise of Pauline Fowler really all it seemed?

There's much speculation about Sonia's part in Pauline's death, but could a quick slap really be enough to fell a soap matriarch? Perhaps, and I'm hoping there is more to this story. Though Sonia seems the most likely scapegoat for the death, and will be leaving the Square in quite a hurry in a few weeks time (though that won't be the last we see of her), I can't help thinking that a far better plot would see Pauline's dull, former criminal husband Joe being responsible, paving the way for a happyish ending for Martin and Sonia.

Then again, when I really think about it, I don't actually care either way...

Not long to go now...

The Big Issue...

...why isn't Little Britain as funny as it used to be?

Have the characters just become too familiar? Is it the show's growing dependence on typical BBC1 viewers finding all references to anything gay slightly risque and thus not bothering with a punchline when there's any implied homosexuality? Is it that there are now fewer, but longer, sketches each edition? Have Walliams and Lucas just given up on trying to put anything amusing into Tom Baker's commentary?

I just don't know, but watching an edition from series one on BBC3 before last night's Little Britain Abroad just made the drop in quality distressingly apparent. There are still touches of genius, and the throwaway references to popular culture (Lou and Andy getting Jeremy Kyle and Trisha mixed up, Vicky Pollard reading tacky Reveal magazine) do set Little Britain apart from the myriad new sketch shows clogging up BBC3/E4 schedules.

Last night's highlights were Steve Coogan joining Lou and Andy in a Lost spoof, Bubbles taking on Ronnie Corbett, mad Ann at the Louvre and Carol Beer becoming a holiday rep. But it's time to wield the axe to other characters, especially one-joke Daffydd, the WI pukers and the interminable Sebastian. Quite a few series one characters have never been seen again, and thus the likes of Little Dennis Waterman, crazy Scottish hotelier Ray McCooney and Molly Sugden's bridesmaid haven't been ruined by lack of new material and overkilled catchphrases.

I hope there is a fourth series of Little Britain, but with a host of new characters and new ideas for old favourites.

Over the TOTP

Just briefly, we were treated today to a Top of the Pops Christmas special. Why? Presumably to remind us why it was axed in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, TV needs Top of the Pops, life isn't the same without it. But the show was in a very bad way, dating back to the arrival of Chris Cowey and his belief that despite what the record-buying public may be snapping up, all that counted on TOTP were bands with guitars who could sing along live to a recorded backing track. TOTP died when decided to take the pop out of it.

So today, we treated to a variety of artists including many I love such as the Automatic and the Feeling - neither of whom had number one singles this year. SO WHY WERE THEY ON? Sandy Thom did have a chart-topper but is now so univserally derided that she should have her broadband disconnected to avoid avoid another faux record-breaking net concert. There was no Robbie, no Take That... The producers just have no idea how to make good pop music into good TV. Please bring back TOTP, but bring in someone who cares about pop to run it.

The King is Dead

Christmas Emmerdale was fantastic. And not just because of it's special Harry Potter-esque music and murderous conclusion.

Unusually for a soap, there were lots of references to the programmes past - Robert and Sarah Sugden, Vic Windsor, Zoe and Jean Tate all being remembered by the locals. And the time taken to (successfully) try to make husky minx Jo more sympathetic was also well spent. In an episode billed as being the start of the biggest murder mystery in soap history, small touches such as these proved why Emmerdale is a better all-round soap than any other.

But it wasn't just about the past. Linda Thorson as conniving lady of the manor Rosemary is simply brilliant, demonstrating a sense of self-preservation and inane fashion taste that would do Steph Stokes proud. And I'm surprised how Perdy has become a fully fleshed character, looking set to step into that Zoe Tate-sized gap left in the village.

As for who did it - I really don't care as I know the show's writers will have the perfect solution up their sleeves.

Russell's Out of Control

I know I'm not meant to think, let alone say, this... but, isn't Doctor Who becoming rather, well, bad?

Supposedly we're now supposed to look on the festive specials as the main Christmas treat (in much the same way Only Fools and Horses used to be thrust upon us), and indeed, last year's effort was rather good. This year's, however, was rather poor.

Which makes me angry for two reason. One: I really, really, really want to love Doctor Who and become absorbed in new and old episodes - I'm a geek and I would love to be geeky about British sci-fi. Secondly: I've always argued that it's impossible to make a bad piece of TV if Sarah Parish is involved.

Please could someone reign Russell T Davies in. Slapstick can be good, but only if it's balanced with real drama and a sense of danger. I want to be the tinsiest bit scared and have my brain challenged just a smidgen. The first series of the rebooted Doctor Who was smashing, but there's a sense of complacency now which really needs to be eliminated. And while David Tennant should be the ideal Time Lord, he's just turned into a gurning know-it-all. Following the loss of Rose, we were promised the Doctor would be in a 'dark place' and it would have been great to see a dark, disillusioned Doctor in this episode, struggling to care about humankind. And let's not even start on Catherine Tate's performance...

Come on series three, please be really good. I want to be proved wrong on this one.

Duet: Very Impossible

How bad was Duet Impossible.

Veeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy bad, if that's even an answer.

Is being dead not even enough of an excuse to get out of appearing on dreary Vernon Kay fronted shows? Stars of yesteryear were collectively rolling in their graves as modern popsters were given the chance to sing over vintage performances by some of the world's toppermost stars.

Basically, someone at th BBC saw that self-agrandising advert for Radio 2 and thought, let's make a show out of that and persuade some grinning ninny to host it.

Aaarggh, I still furious about it and I've had five hours to recover. Worst bit? Vernon's sycopahntic intro for Boy George who apparently was the biggest star in the world in the 1980s. On what planet? The very fact that George was dueting with himself only adds to the creepy, grave-robbing feel of the whole show. Please don't let them make a series of this tripe.

Never Mind the Old Men

Amstell's doing a fine job on Never Mind the Buzzcocks. For the first time in five years, the show appears to be even slightly contempory and the guests are actually given a chance to chat and be funny. The only remaining problems are the grumpy old men team captains - Jupitas and Bailey (who in any other circumstance, I love) need to given their marching orders. It's embarassing to see them attempting to understand what's going on and trying to crowbar their age-old material into the show.

Christmas Eve Casualties

Now, I've not watched Casualty for ages, believing it to be in the doldrums and never likely to recapture the whole Patrick/Lara era that pretty much died when Dr Spiller keeled over into soup a good few years back. But last time Casualty was good, it had just had a reboot and fancy new opening credits featuring the cast in a variety of mean and moody poses. And guess what, Casualty now has fancy new opening credits featuring the cast in a variety of mean and moody poses, albeit only a few of medics have made it onto the new intro and the music has been composed by satan.

Never-the-less, tonight we discovered why Ellen hadn't made it onto the opening when, while chasing a Munchausen-by-Proxy-suffering Holly Aird out of the hospital, she ran into a motorbike (curiously from three different angles) and her skull caved in. Naturally the ED staff were a tad traumatised, especially as they had just saved Josh from injuries sustained during a knife attack by the aforementioned mad Ms Aird. Josh, however, was always going to be safe as he does appear on the opening titles (despite soon to leave in happier circumstances).

But yes, Casualty appears to finding it's feet again, despite an influx of pixie-faced paramedics, familiar looking northern doctors and apparently inbred, tinsil-haired nurses. The whole episode was filled with a sense of dread, not least because I wanted rumours of Ellen's demise to be greatly exaggerated. Poor Ellen - you were an evil immigrant involved with the mafia/triad/some other eastern European cartel, who forced people to marry you, stole from them and then had cancer. But then you went on Strictly Come Dancing and had a nice new haircut and all was forgiven. Why were you sacrificed thus?

A couple of final thoughts - is Holby so big that the area where Josh was stabbed was snowy, but the location of Ellen's running down could be so sunny? Why do all patients in Holby A&E appear to be from Bristol, but all those in the wards upstairs are cockney? And who'd have thought Josh would have had such a lovely hairy chest?

Bar Room Brawls

One storyline in Emmerdale that is proving more fun that it ever should do, is the rivalry between Louise at the B&B and Val/Diane in the pub. Turning best friends Diane and Louise into comedy mortal enemies was a masterstroke, and turning Louise is a total Aussie nutcase has revived an otherwise boring character. Let's hope the bitchfest continues for sometime to come - especially with Diane's new-found zest for life.

Thank God They've Been Found

At last the interminably dull Lost-style storyline in Home and Away is over. Watching five young 'uns and an unknown man brough in purely to add conflict wander around the same area of bush for three weeks just hasn't been as exciting as it perhaps sounded on paper. And when they were found, all it took was for Amanda to walk about the jungle for a few minutes. Unbelievable - and not in the usual good way.

Roll on the Summer Bay pyromaniac...

Farewell Steph

Emmerdale, Emmerdale, Emmerdale. You never usually disappoint when it comes to giving high-profile cast members a thrilling send off. Kim flying off after almost killing Chris. Zoe zooming away on the same day she double-crossed Sadie, had charges of attempted murder against her, was taken hostage at gun point and blew up Home Farm. Charity reaping her revenge on the Kings. Cain's demented kidnap plot. EastEnders could learn so much from you (yet it never does).

Anyway, my point (and I do have one) is that last night's exit for bunny-boiling B&B owner Steph was such a let down. It could have been good - it was the final day of her trial for murdering her abusive brother, a crime she didn't commit. Although her confessing to Alan that she killed Shelly was moving, her sudden decision to plead guily, taking fake doctor Adam with her, just doesn't really make sense. Then again, Steph has never been the most logical of characters, so this final attempt to make her father proud (which bizarrely, he did seem to be) probably seemed like a great idea to her.

Still, at least Lorraine Chase got the chance to where her barmiest outfit yet as Steph went to court dressed as an air hostess on an airline controlled by rabid foxes. She will be missed, though hopefully this subdued exit was just a blip on the radar as we cruise towards Tom King's final scenes this Christmas.

Trip or Treat

Why aren't more of you people watching Tripping Over? For the first time in many years, here's a show about young adults not brimming with rubbish sex gags like Two Pints of Lager or two-dimensional blondes and rubbish drug and gangster storylines ala Hollyoaks. In fact, this is the first programme to credit twentysomethings with a modicum of intelligence since This Life. And yet nobody's tuning in.

Within two episodes, Tripping Over has introduced its characters and storylines so effortlessly we already care for the characters (even those played by Two Pints of Lager refugees) and the plethora of plots involving depression, parentage, homosexuality and death are treated without the sensationalism we are accustomed. Perhaps it's the Australian side of the production, playing down the tabloid-baiting elements to focus on the more minute human drama.

Tripping Over is perhaps the best (semi) British drama of the year and, sadly, it'll probably get another chance to prove itself as thus. Please watch.

Cirque de Disaster

How indeptly brilliant is Sky One's celeb-based circus challenge series Cirque de Celebrite? Very, that how. Already lumbered with a pretentious name, the programme sommehow manage to battle faulty microphones, mediocre judges and the problem of having far too many competitors, and has become compulsive TV.

I never seem to tire of watching host Ruby Wax trying to listen to what her producers saying in her ear and then woefully misinterpreting it. I love the way that the later contestants never have time for feedback from the judges. And I'm always astounded when a contestant mishears and assumes they've been saved by the public vote when they haven't.

Best of all, among a selection of inspired casting, is Big Brother's Grace Adams-Short's TV rehabilitation as a circus superstar who keeps winning. Problem is, the winner has to choose who gets bumped off each week and every week Grace pretends to have terrible problems making the decision, prompting much teary-eyed bleating before suddenly getting rid of whoever isn't her friend. Bless - though I can't forgive her for axing Apprentice Syed, whose gradual collapse of confidence would have been an even better ongoing saga than that of who actually gets to win.

Cluedo in the Dales

When Emmerdale is on top of it's game, no soap can match it. And this Christmas they're offering us a murder mystery to keep us amused. It's a shame that Tom King is leaving the Dales in a coffin (wasn't he the reasonable King a while back?) but it seems he'll have a library full of enemies come his festive wedding to new scarlet woman Rosemary.

And it appears ITV want to replicate the mind-bending fun of the Lost experience by planting a series of clues on the internet and other sources, helping viewers to work out who did the deed. Sould prove excellent if they can pull it off.

Best of all, this means scheming vixen Rosemary is going to taking up residence at Home Farm. And the battles between her and the King boys are going to be stonking fun.

Torchwood: What to think?

I'm currently in a state of flux over Torchwood. What am I to make of it? I think the main problem is that it was no where near as bad as expected. After the debacle that was the overly smug, confused second season of the rebooted Doctor Who, it seems someone has dared to get Russell T Davies a decent script editor. But although not bad, it so far seems that there's nothing there to particularly draw us viewers bad.

The top complaint has to be the rubbish opening credits. Sci-fi programmes demand action packed intros, a precedent never bettered since Buffy. Torchwood's efforts mirrored early Alias attempts - until JJ realised fast-cut clips of Garner in disguise revealed far more about the programme than a few names on a grey background.

Then there's the cast. Are any of them going to prove likable? Only befuddled cop Gwen appears to be fleshed out into a three-dimensional character at the moment - and she is perhaps the best thing in the show. The other regulars are so far cardboard cut-outs - the archetypal laddish cheeky-chappy who can't keep his dick in his trousers, the geeky computer nerd (what a shock, she's the token ethnic character) and the suave, all-knowing facilitator. The only other character of interest was the deputy Torchwood director who was corrupted by her power, a storyline that would have been excellent if played out over the course of the series.

And as for Captain Jack - so far, so bland. There's a difference between being enigmatic and just not having a decent backstory, and Jack desperately needs a decent backstory. In particular, he can't be killed - which would be interesting if it didn't take all the tension out of any forthcoming life-or-death situations for him. Russell T is clearly basing him on Angel, but Angel has a history, failings and frequently makes the wrong call. Plus, David Boreanaz has a great talent for switching from heart-breaking drama to laugh-out-loud comedy in a heartbeat. The fact that Angel was a total dag when not slaying demons was hilarious. Jack needs to cease being the know-it-all, Cassanova-esque smoothie and show some human frailties sharpish.

So, I'll be watching for a few more episodes and hoping that Torchwood can become a Cardiff-based Buffy-esque extravaganza (and cut out the sub-Hollyoaks in the City attempts at being adult). Fingers crossed.

Did anyone order a derivative, 24-lite-style series?

One thing that's been keeping me awake at nights, is the eternal conundrum - should I give Spooks (yet) another go. Working in an office of chattering TV buffs, everyone claims that Spooks is the greatest programme ever. Yet everytime I tune in, it just seems to be about a group of Oxbridge-educated toffs, walking around talking about things happening but which never happen owing to budget restraints. And it annoys me that, in the grand tradition of Brookside, that the extras never speak.

I've been told next week's BBC1 episode is a corker, so maybe I'll give it a go. But watching the first episode of this latest series a few weeks back made me so angry (furious that everything had to be explained to the underestimated audience, at the fact that only one character was entitled to any development, at the stilted performances and dire dialogue) that I had to go back on the happy pills. And I can't be doing with that again.

Some Home and Away confusion...

Now I know Home and Away has never pretended that it makes any sense, but the return of Amanda has confused me. Firstly, how come she's now rich and not having to go around planning to build motorways all over the place to make ends meet?

Secondly, and most importantly, if she is rich now, how come she lives in a house that looks huge on the outside, but has only two rooms on the inside? The sort of reverse-Tardis construction that Summer Bay specialises in.

We need answers, but all that's coming up is disaster, burns and 'copter crashes.

Home and a gay

How brilliantly demented is Home and Away's gay stalker storyline? The only thing more demented is the fact there's no mention of being gay in the scripts at all - poor, loney, crazy Charlie just wants to be best buddies with action-man-alike Kim. The look on actor Chris Hemsworth's face, that he's been given this storyline, is pure comedy, and the fact they're all playing it so seriously makes it a joy to watch. Charlie and Kim would probably make a good couple - at least better than the plank of wood they've currently got Kim shacked up with. Then again, even if stalker Charlie fails to have his wicked way with Kim, then fellow resident stalker Zoe must have an explosive plot up her sleeve...

If she's ugly, then so are you...

It's really come to something when the only programmes I want to watch after a hard day of TV listings writing, are those that I've downloaded straight from America.

For some time I've been looking forward to new US comedy drama series Ugly Betty, and been telling anyone unfortunate enough to be listening that it is the future of television. And, having just watched the first episode, I'm both thrilled and hugely relieved to report it is excellent.

What with it being American, there are a splattering of mawkish moments, but the comedy and the drama both more than make up for that. Drama-wise, the heart-breaking realities of Betty's life and her employer's attempts to get rid of her were genuinely touching. But, like any great comedy drama, it'll make you cry one minute and laugh the next. And the whole set-up (plain-Jane Betty goes to work at a supertrendy magazine, much to the annoyance of the staff around her) is pure comedy. It's like a whole series of Zoolander-eqsue stupidity. Which is just what the doctor ordered.

Not wanting to rave too much about it just yet (I've only seen the pilot) but the performances are all pitch-perfect as well. America Ferrera is great as the eponymous lead, while Vanessa L Williams is pure comedy as the supervillain fashion journalist with her own gay henchman. TV's Jim Robinons - Lost, 24, OC star Alan Dale - is also on hand doing his regular austere act, and Eric Mabius excels as Betty's boss, visbly torn between his superficial world, his conscience and the knowledge that he is in well over his head. Good show.

Good day at the Office

So, how have the Americans managed to turn The Office from a middling satire designed to promote the ego of the much-fawned-over Ricky Gervais into a pretty good sitcom in its own right?

The answer seems to be to remove the ego. In last night's edition, Steve Carrell's office boss was the butt of jokes on several occasions - the top comedy actor displaying a humility Gervais could learn from. In the British version, although Gervais' character was always the central comedy figue, the humour always came from his humiliating the staff. Although the series was supposedly about a rubbish manager, we were always meant to empathise and feel sorry for his tears of a clown routine. Imagine Fawlty Towers if the audience was supposed to believe that all the terrible things Basil Fawlty did was well-meaning if excessive mean to his wife and staff. But let's not even begin to put Gervais in the same bracket as John Cleese.

The Office US is hugely enjoyable because the mean-spirited characters (the US versions of Brent, Gareth, Finchy) are simply mean-spirited characters and there's no attempt to pull on our heartstrings to love them for any reason other than that are truly horrible. Steve Carrell is a fine comedy actor, and he perhaps understands the characters and the series itself more than the man who created it.

Development Arrested

If you needed any further proof of the sheer excellence of top sitcom Arrested Development, all you need to do is look at the timeslot. Yep, it's hidden in the graveyard that is Sunday night/Monday morning. The Beeb pulled the same trick with Seinfeld and Larry Sanders - and we're expected to be happy they're showing it all. Stupid license fee - having me pay for utter tripe all day, having to video the only 50 minutes of public service broadcasting I want to watch all week.

It can't be that untrue that by burying the best sitcoms away in the middle of the night, the Beeb is protecting it's own meagre efforts at comedy by keeping anything vaguely funny from the British public. There are more gags in the first five minutes of Arrested Development's third season debut, than in the entire run of Ricky Gervais's Extras so far. Plus, AD kicks Extras' arse when it comes to handling guest stars. Charlize Theron as a retarded British woman, Ben Stiller as a rubbish magician, Liza Minelli as a vertigo-stricken temptress, Heather Graham as a Sadam Hussein-loving teacher. Bonkers but brilliantly funny.

I could rant about the sheer greatness of this sitcom and it's non-stop running gags (of loose seals, analrapists, freebies, Poof magazine, the Blue Man group), but it's best just to watch, enjoy, watch again, again and again. It's a shame Fox axed the series in America after three seasons, but it's worth noting that it wouldn't have survived more than six episodes if it had been produced over here...

Prison Break: The Addiction Starts Here

So, I was wrong. My initial apathy towards jail romp Prison Break has been broken down thanks to a DVD box set. Seven episodes in, and I am totally addicted. It's funny what a few weeks without Lost, 24 or Alias will to you.

But so far, I am baffled. But not in the way Lost baffles me. It seems quite clear those jail-bound japesters have a sound plan, as do the show's writers. They know the road we're being led down, and hoping that it's all been well prepared, I'm quite happy to sit back and enjoy the ride.

So far, though, a few things trouble me...

1. Michael said the way to escape is through the infirmary, and thus he's been chiselling a tunnel there. However, in the two-parter riotfest, Michael simply climbed onto a rather large dido rail and ended up and found himself in the hospital. Was all the chiselling for no reason?

2. Speaking of chiselling, what with the amputation of toe and excessive amount of time it must take to tattoo-up Michael, are we going to have to survive the rest of the season with minimal shower scenes? And in Oz, whoever got thrown in The Hole was always pleasingly stripped beforehand. This sort of gritty realism needs to be maintained if we are to take Prison Break seriously.

3. There's a man with a cat in the prison. And apparently no one's noticed. Hopefully the cat will play some sort of pivotal role in the escape plot.

4. How is the prison govenor going to get his scale model of the Taj Mahal out of his office, let alone transport it home?

5. I can't tell the difference between T-Bag and the other gangster guy. The vein on the side of my head comes to close to bursting when they both appear on screen at the same time.

There's more, but until my next disc arrives from the increasinly erratic Screen Select, I shall keep it to myself.

Burn, Hollyoaks, Burn

Hollyoaks, as with its deceased big bro Brookside, has always displayed an incredible talent when it comes to killing off the wrong characters. And as the Dog went up last night, it was inevitable that it would be the likable locals that bought the farm.

For starters, what message is being sent out by killing the twins? Former nice guy's same transformation into would-be rapist was a rubbish storyline, and now him breaking out of prison to get revenge on Mel for getting him banged-up is just plain stupid. It's Mel who should be taking revenge on Sam and the Owens, not vice versa.

Killing off Matt and and the twins - the few recognisable faces in a cast that has rececntly been swamped by a flock of new families - shows rather too much faith in the new characters that have so far failed to spark any interest. It's not unlike when Brookie killed off half the popular Shadwicks in favour of the awful Musgroves - who makes these decisions? Now Redmond's off Hollyoaks, we can no longer blame him. Perhaps the new, improved Hollyoaks will take us all by surprise and become unmissable TV, but if - like EastEnders - they are pinning their hopes on a bunch of unrecognisable faces taking part in recycled plots, it seems pretty unlikely. It could well be time for the producers to look to former characters to bring new life to the soap.

Best 24 Premiere Ever!

Having just watched the first episode of the fifth series of 24, we have to say Aaarrrghhh. It's amazing, and they don't save the best bits for the end. Within the first five minutes, even the most god-fearing of you will have sworn out loud at the first of several history-stomping twists. We don't want to give it away - just avoid reading anything about it before you watch it.

Things we can give away: the useless US president is back and this time he's brought his totally bonkers wife with him. The fantastic Chloe also returns with new hair, an increasingly pivotal role in the plot and a hunky boffin of a boyfriend, as does her old sparring partner Edgar, who seems a tad less incompetent and oddly voiced than before. New players include Jack's - sorry, Frank's - new girlfriend, played by Spin City's Connie Britten, and her irritating son who we hope dies very quickly.

This Sunday's preview isn't really that great - save yourself for the following week. Demented drama is back!

What a Carve Up... Revisited

So Quentin is the Carver - Nip/Tuck's own crazy slasher. To be honest, who else could it have been? There weren't many other suspects on the horizon. Except for the crazy-accented Detective Lara Croft (Rhona Mitri, who apparently was transferred to Miami from Stepney Green) - and she, rather brilliantly, turned out to be his loopy accomplice/sister. It transpires that Quentin was dickless and went around slashing and dry-humping with a strap-on beautiful people to make up for that. Bless. He went out with several bangs though, working through a dorm of young women, before chopping off Sean's finger and nearly slicing through Christian's arm. And he got away with it too, a testament to Nip/Tuck's open-ended, totally unpredictable plotting where anyone can get away with anything. Excellent.

Day-time TV Plots in Prime-Time Soaps

While we accept that EastEnders is really trying to drag itself out of the tepid cesspit it has spent the past few years loudly drowning in, recent plots - despite showing promise - are more contrived than ever. Many of which have either been copied from less high-profile soaps, many of which the less high-profile soaps wouldn't touch with a cattle prod.

The drugging of Stacey Slater was straight out of Hollyoaks, just without the courage of its convictions to see through a reasonable gritty storyline which would have involved a seemingly popular, good-looking character proving to be a shifty drug-rapist. Wouldn't it have been great if pantomine cockney Deano Wicks - the latest in a long line of Joe Wicks/Spencer Moon clones - turned out to be a thoroughly evil character? And as for last night's storyline which saw new doctor, Dr Oliver, (who, as all docs are, is rather posh and very rude to single mothers) stranded naked on his doorstep (which appeared to be the doorstep to the doctors surgery - can't he afford a flat in east London, or is that only the domain of wealthy clans such as the Millers?) was pure Neighbours from 1988. Rubbish. As for Pauline marrying in haste to a man with a mysterious past, can we just shout at you RICHARD HILLMAN? Honestly, this was only supposed to be a short post, but - in the words of Mr Furious - anger rising, fingers typing...

McKeith Alert

Good lord. There we were, expecting the new series of Shameless to be Tuesday’s pick of the TV, and then wham! Dreadful dietary dwarf Gillian McKeith popped out of the box and started chasing the general public round a shopping centre, taunting them with vials of salt and test-tubes of gastric juices, bearing more than a passingl resemblance to the minute, red-anorak-clad killer from Don’t Look Now. Like a violent version of Delia Smith mixed with an angry Jim Henson fraggle, Gillian is a truly terrifying creation and we rather quite like her.

All the trimmings

If there was an award at this year’s National Television Awards for the most fucked-up series, then Nip/Tuck would have to be the winner. Series three has managed to be even more twisted than the last – and let us not forget that season two climaxed with granny-grabbing teenager Matt discovering that not only was his older, life coach girlfriend bedding her adopted son, but also that she used to be a man, while Christian was raped and mutilated by masked slasher The Carver.

Not only have the cases of the week been more disturbing than usual (elderly women demanding surgery, men wanting breasts), they’ve also been incredibly topical (a face transplant that didn’t take, the tragic separation of co-joined twins). And the private lives of the surgeons are madder than ever. Matt, who already has considered going gay, beating up a transsexual and divorcing his dad, is now dating a neo-Nazi, while mum Julia is thankfully taking things slowly with the bisexual, soldier-shagging new partner in the practice. Sean had had enough, and went to work as a surgeon for the witness relocation programme – but following the shockingly ambiguous fate of his new identity girlfriend and her son, he’s returned to force crazy Quentin out of the surgery. And as for Christian, after a brief dalliance with being the responsible member of the team, he’s back to sleeping around and degrading fatties. He thinks he was jilted at the altar by porn star girlfriend Kimber – little realised she has in fact been nabbed by The Carver. We’re hoping for a happy ending for Kimber – especially now we’ve discovered the identity of the serial slasher. But this being Nip/Tuck, the crazier the plot, the better – and no one, or any part of their body, is really safe…

The End of the Affair

Five’s only home-grown drama series, Family Affairs, ground to a halt last Friday, leaving Hollyoaks as the only UK soap so low on the radar it can get away with crazy, made-up-on-the-day-of-filming plots and providing inexperienced actors with an off-peak training ground. Where the big three soaps are going to pillage future writing, directing and acting talent from is anyone’s guess.

It’d be fair to say that Family Affairs has been rubbish for the past few months. The show’s latest revamp was a disastrous attempt at becoming a slightly more grown-up Hollyoaks, doing away with all the families and bringing in a host of young faces who unfortunately all looked the same – making it impossible to really be sure what was going on. And to make Charnham a tad more glamorous, all the newcomers had names like Rex, Meredith, Hester or Coral, ie names that no one living in an Acton-inspred neighbourhood would possess.

Which is a shame, because when Family Affairs got it right, it was brilliant. Pete convincing wife Siobhan she’d killed her lover Josh was a truly original storyline, recently ripped off by EastEnders to prop up their rubbish Den Watts murder plot. In fact, anything involving bad guy Pete was a triumph – mainly because the actor and the writers knew who Pete was and never altered him for the sake of a plot. Parachute David Easter into EastEnders now, along with Rosie Rowell (wife Eileen). Those two could kick some life into the dormant sdrama.

Characters were what once made Family Affairs the soap it was, with all the soap archetypes present. Preachy Nicki Warrington – holier than thou, but always willing to shag a neighbour/step-son. Lovely Roy Farmer – a nice guy who was just a tad stupid. Tragic landlady Eileen Callan – all her attempts to make things better involved fake pregnancies and arson attempts. Frequently married Yasmin McHugh, whose husbands have ended up invariably murdered, fleeing the country or being exposed as con artists. And the Hart clan who the show originally centred on may have been boring at times, but they were all genuinely well-drawn and likeable characters. Which is something Hollyoaks is still struggling to find after 10 years on the box.

Anyway, it’s sad Family Affairs ended in such a jumble as the final episode showed there were still a few tricks left in the old. Thankfully Eileen Callan returned – complete with lottery win and non-speaking toyboy extra in tow – making up for the recent erroneous axing of her and soap lynchpin Pete. And young Katie Williams noticed her new boyfriend had been going around killing his ex-wives. Which was brilliant ambiguously handled. Farewell Family Affairs – we’ll kind of miss you. But please Five, commission a new soap to replace it. Reruns of Joey just won’t do.