A female version of Last of the Summer Wine

It's a pity that Seinfeld has already taken the 'series about nothing' tag as it perfectly describes BBC1's Cranford. Little more than a selection of comic vignettes featuring an array of luvvie actors dressed like Mrs Tiggy-Winkle, Cranford is a hugely watchable and joyously comforting slice of Sunday night entertainment.

Pitched as a drama focusing on a small 19th-century northern town terrorised by the prospect of the railway coming anywhere near, it's more like a fully female version of Last of the Summer Wine starring every single actress ever to appear on BBC1. And thankfully the majority are taking the lead of Alison Steadman in Pride and Prejudice, playing up their comely characters into near grotesque caricatures. Sure there's been a bit of drama here and there, but the real pleasure is in watching Imelda Staunton's always-flapping wench and the gradual mellowing of Eileen Atkins' stern (and now sadly dead) spinster.

Of course, the men let the side down a bit. Simon Woods has marvelous eyes but he's every bit as stilted as he was in Rome, and there's no reason for Philip Glenister to play every character in the style of Gene Hunt. But Cranford must be doing something right if it means I'm Sky-Plusing the fabulously invigorated Smallville to tune in...

Uniqlo-clad Flumps

In these days where anything and everything is focus grouped to death before the supposedly dumb general public get the chance to see it, removing any ounce of originality and personal passion, it's brilliant when the occasional crazy idea gets through. Something that offers a terrifying glimpse into the minds of a disturbed few "creative" types that makes no sense to anyone but themselves.

The best example of this at the moment is the current crop of Curry's adverts. Thankfully now de-Linda-Barker-ed, we're now presented with three Uniqlo-clad Flumps who look like they've shown up a little too late to appear as extras in a new series of Coupling. Following the laws set by The Real Hustle - that for every two geeks you put on the telly, you have to add a glamorous blond - they just wander around talking about random electrical items, convinced everything they do is for the good humankind, as though they wouldn't try to sell you a dubious extended guarantee in a heartbeat. Quite who these people are, why they appear to live on a semi-CGI observation deck and what there role is in the company is left totally up to the viewers' imagination.

With Christmas approaching, things have got far more bizarre with a sinister Santa-type figure joining the posse, struggling to keep his reindeer in the stock room and making disturbing comments about mince pies. There is just no explanation for any of this, which is why it somehow works. The whole campaign is so childishly aimless that the Currys brand seems remarkably less cartel-ish and buying from them appears less immoral. Perhaps not that's not what the adverts set out to achieve, but inanity on TV should always be celebrated...

"Reminiscent of a caricature of Emmerdale's Adele Silva"

So, what to make of the Victoria Beckham-sprinkled episode of Ugly Betty?

The big question has to be does Posh have an enormous, self-deprecating sense of humour or was she stitched up by the writers? I'm really hoping it's the former because I really like the idea that she finds the whole media frenzy about her moving to America as funny as everyone else. The constant news updates featuring ever-more-crazy tales of the Beckhams taking over New York to the point where they were named rulers of the city were both scarily accurate and hugely hilarious. And in the light of the Tesco advert fiasco, the scene where Posh used Wilhelmina's wedding to plug her new energy drink was pitch perfect.

Thankfully Victoria wasn't actually called on to act very much, though when she did her pouting, mock cockney persona was reminiscent of a caricature of Emmerdale's Adele Silva. Which is no bad thing. The rest of the cast were on fine-form too, from Wilhelmina's desperation to get Bradford to say I do no matter what to Amanda's impromptu Kelis impersonation. Only the grating Betty and Henry relationship dragged the episode down, and the introduction of Christina's husband (Derek Riddell from the excellent Book Group) could prove seriously dull.

And poor Alan Dale - killed off by a heart attack yet again (as he was in both Neighbours and The OC). He might not have been happy that the show had become more comedy than comedy drama, but expiring on your wedding day after learning you've been cuckolded isn't a nice way to go.

“The Dullest Episode Ever of My Two Dads”

So, what to make of the second series of Heroes? So far, it’s not living up to the hype, though as Lost has so often brought itself back from the brink, I really hope Heroes can do the same. The first series slowed to a snail’s pace towards the anti-climactic climax, and season two shows no sign of increasing the tempo. Admittedly there needs to be a little bit of scene setting, but three episodes in and there’s still nothing of interest to report. Here are some initial thoughts.

- Peter appears to be trapped in 1940s Boston masquerading as 2007 Ireland. If this isn’t more embarrassing than any episode of Lost featuring a Desmond or Charlie flashback, I don’t know what is. There are some terrible accents – including one from that guy who used to be Enterprise and Desmonds who really has no excuse – and the sets are as authentic Little England in Arrested Development. Peter has also been to the gym between series and thus rarely wears a vest. Oh, and he has amnesia but has decided he doesn’t want to find out who he is – so this terrible situation drags on. There’s a huge sp-what factor here, mainly caused by the fact Peter is now ultra powerful and can’t be killed – there’s simply nothing to risk here.

- Hiro has gone back in time to ancient Japan where he’s encountered Mr Sark from Alias who has given being an evil genius hottie and become a bit of light relief. After all, if there’s one thing funnier than a Japanese geek it’s a British Frank Spencer impersonator. Hiro has to make Sark into the greatest hero Japan has ever seen as history already dictates. As irksome as this all is, I’m really hoping Hiro’s time-tinkering will some how lead to Mr Sark becoming the biggest bad we’ve ever seen. Please make it so.

- Meanwhile brother Nathan isn’t president, does seem to have lovely Rena Sopher for a wife anymore and now sports a rather grating fake beard. He reckons Peter’s dead – if that was me, I’d be cartwheeling through the streets and praying Mohinder’s next.

- Several new Heroes have appeared, but it appears the producers have run out of gifts, so they just fly or regenerate like the others. One new power belongs to a Mexican lass who can kill people by apparently crying blood – not really a great gift, but there’s a chance this storyline is going somewhere. So far, it’s hard to care.

- Clare, HRG, Mrs HRG and Mr Muggles are all now on an adhoc witness relocation scheme, hiding from the company. HRG is now out and proud with his clan and is far less interesting for it. Mrs HRG still speaks in a funny, eccentric voice which makes it irking when she has some valuable exposition to deliver. Clare has fallen into the arms of another Hero, despite the fact his whole chat-up routine was to incessantly ully her. Why do none of the women in this show have a brain?

- In what could be the dullest episode ever of My Two Dads, Matt’s dumped his wife and has chosen to shack up with Mohinder and adopt little Hero-spotter Molly. Despite now looking after a traumatised child, they’ve decided to move into Mohinder’s dad’s flat, which has no natural light, wallpaper hanging off the walls and is regularly broken into. Mohinder is now a double-agent, helping HRM bring down the Company.

- Sylar’s back (yey!) as is Niki (double yey!). But they both don’t really seem to be doing much (boo). Another crowd pleaser is Mama Petrelli, though it looks like her past is coming back to haunt her. Killing off another mysterious character proved more of a disappointment than a shocking twist. Still, there’s always more former sci-fi show favourites you can hire…

I know it seems like I’m really laying into the show, but it’s only because I care. We need top TV like this to survive and keep its audience before the Beeb put it on at half six or the middle of night. Let’s hope all hell breaks loose come episode four…

“Never knowingly fully dressed”

Words cannot begin to explain how much I miss Rome, so I was hopeful BBC2’s The Tudors could somehow fill that void. And it kind of does – though without scaling the dizzy heights of twisted drama, hilarious dialogue and sublime excess of its swords and sandals predecessor.

Disappointingly, The Tudors is played totally straight, with only the odd, far too softcore sex scene there to remind you that you’re not watching a BBC learning docu-drama. Rome used the fact that we all knew how it was all going to end to its advantage, spicing up proceedings with double-edged one-liners and dramatic irony. The dialogue in The Tudors isn’t half as funny – in fact the only thing remotely funny is Sam Neill who appears to have come along dressed as Cardinal Richelieu from Dogtanian.

What The Tudors does have in common with Rome is the unflinchingly testosterone levels, giving a homoerotic feel to the drama. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is superb as Henry VIII, as cocky, conceited and bullish as a medieval monarch should be. Never knowingly fully dressed, Henry bed-hops, wrestled and jousts his way through his leadership and looks great at all times. His entourage - including Henry Cavil and Callum Blue – are equally photogenic and obliging when it comes to gratuitous nudity.

The sex and action sequences are great. Things falter when Sam Neill or Jeremy Northam appear in their roles as Basil Exposition. And what we’re really missing is a strong woman – at the heart of Rome was the rivalry between pushy mothers/mistresses Atia and Servilia. The Tudors is far more a masculine affair, and that’s what lets it down – we need some scheming wenches and hopefully Queen Katherine will grow into that role soon.

“The Next Big Underrated Comedy?”

Another void that needs filling is the chasm left by Arrested Development. Again, a near-impossible task (though Flight of the Conchords does get pretty good by the end of its run) but until that special sitcom comes along there’s 30 Rock. Ignored by all the magazines and pundits who raved about the smugly abysmal Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, 30 Rock covers similar ground but without being all preachy and condescending about it.

Focusing on the writer of a comedy show as she deals with a new know-nothing boss, an insane new star as well as all the existing writers and talent on the programme, it’s actually pretty good and contained at least three laugh-out-loud moments – more than you get in an entire year on BBC3. The digs about cash-counting executives ruining TV shows and strangling creativity are far less heavy-handed here than the Perry and Co alternative, though Alec Baldwin is great as the suit who’s decided to shake things up for no other reason than to ‘make his mark’.

Actually, the casting is all pretty good. Writer and star Tina ‘Mean Girls’ Fey is thoroughly likable and doesn’t hog all the best lines, while any show featuring Jane Krakowski is a good thing – especially as she’s so willing to be the butt of all jokes. In fact the only thing not going for 30 Rock is its ridiculous time slot, C5 following in the grand BBC tradition of putting its best stuff out in the middle of the night. It’s still too early to really be sure, but 30 Rock could be the next big underrated comedy.

“Prompting some public guffawing”

Mitchell and Webb had a 60:40 good-sketch to bad-sketch ratio. Dog Face a 40:60, Adam and Shelley a 20:80. So it’s good news for Peter Serafinowicz – the second episode was close to 80:20, a rare feat especially as many of those sketches did prompt some public guffawing.

Top sketches this week were X-Factor hybrid “You’re a Cxxt”, the vampire working on a shopping channel, the guide to having babies, Michael-6 again (which will probably be the best of the series’ running skits) and Brian Butterfield’s new detective agency.

So far, so very good. And though it’s great the series has premiered on BBC2, the lack of any BBC3 ‘narrative repeats’ is irking as the two episodes so far have required second viewing. Top marks.

A normal service will resume...

...as soon as BT get their act together. In the meantime, let's enjoy the annual unveiling of the new Smallville credits. Not too pleased Supergirl has sneaked on there...

Cooking up Trouble

Despite being an amalgamated rip-off of The Apprentice, Kitchen Nightmares and Our Restaurant Rules, BBC2's The Restuarant looks set to be the reality TV series to get us through the next few weeks. Teaming with less originality than the EastEnders writing team, The Restaurant's a winner purely because of it's whole-scale derivitive concept.

As Kitchen Nightmares and Jamie's Chef have proved, running a restaurant is a stress-inducing, temper-flaring business. Thus, it's perfect TV viewing. While it's too soon to be rooting for any of the couples on The Restaurant - or at least find any that are instantly hateful - we're sure it's only a matter of time before the heroes and villains are unveiled. At which point the series will become compulsive viewing, and finally provide some use for that button marked 2 on our remote control.

E4 Finally Sees Sense

One Tree Hill's back in primetime, Smallville's got a good (though rather competitive) Sunday night slot and What About Brian and Brothers and Sisters appear to have been shunted out of their big-league slots. E4 seems to have woken and realised what they're about.

Why anyone thought it was a good idea for a youth channel to buy in thirtysomething dramas like Runaway, Brother and Sisters and What About Brian is a mystery. The latter two are darn good telly, but they're not for E4 - no matter how much Willian Devane or Ron Rifkin you drop in them. Brothers and Sisters has More4 written all over it's classily scripted self. And though The Sopranos is excellent, it no longer fits the E4 remit.

Sadly C4 doesn't seem to have anything new to put on E4 this year - Reaper being the only one that could fit its teen dynamic. Thankfully Ugly Betty's making a sooner-than-hoped-for return in October, and we wouldn't be surprised to find something incredibly similar to Celebrity Big Brother (if not identical) coming up next year. And the series five One Tree Hill reboot should prove amazing.

What other teen has noted that its stars are all too old to be playing teenagers and flashing forward four years between seasons?

Mega-wicked News

Gladiators is coming back to US TV. It can only be a matter of time before ITV brings it back too, can't it? Well, can't it?

Boom!

If Living don't start showing season four of Melrose Place next Saturday, I'm going to be more than a mite upset.

Penelope, Princess of Pets

I've been trying to track this down since I saw her stand-up routine last month, but here's Flight of the Conchords' Kristen Schaal in one of her other incarnations. Not only can Penelope talk to animals, but she's out to stop the destruction of Earth. There's more on her MySpace page...

Reaction to Dreary TV Titbits

Jessie Wallace to replace Amanda Holden in Wild at Heart.
Could be worse, at least she's not joining Heartbeat/The Royal.

Corrie's Claire/Ashley/Casey storyline to climax on top of a tower block.
This is Corrie's worst plot for many a year and the conclusion with Casey threatening to throw the baby off a tower block is hardly a surprising twist. Has British soap really used up all possible storylines now? It's time to ship some former Melrose Place writers into Weatherfield.

Bobby Davro joins EastEnders.
Come on, EastEnders. Stop bringing in new characters what are just carbon copies of old favourites. You need to move on, not keep repeating the past.

Harry Hill to make his own version of Beadle's About.
Top news. As much as it pains me to say it, but Harry's mean-spirited, knowing commentary to You've Been Framed is one of the funniest things on the box at the moment. But why not just bring Jeremy Beadle back to do it?

One of the main Desperate Housewives will be killed off this series.
But we were told one of them would die in the supermarket siege last year...

Ben Kingsley to possibly play Davros.
Could be brilliant, especially if he turns in a sweary Sexy Beast-style performance. Davros was always far scarier than the Daleks.

The Best (Cheapest) Soap Disaster Ever...

...still has to be Shortland Street's 1000th episode earthquake. Not only did they manage to do it on a budget of 50p, but nasty nurse Carla Crozier-Leach finally got to kill someone - not with the candelabra but in the end just by talking him to death. It's the middle here...

Going dotty

So anyway. Back to Walford. Patrick's been attacked. The police are all over the Square. But it's not until someone phones Dot that she discovers what's going on.

So, Albert Square's most nosey resident hasn't looked out of the windows of her primely located house at all that day. Really? Really? Really?

Is that really plausible? Is it?

Doctor Who non-preview

The Doctor Who team have announced a sudden change in direction for the series. In a bold move, apparently the fourth season will see the Doctor going back in time to solve a mystery with prolific crime writer Agatha Christie. Obviously, I'm being a touch sarcastic as this exact same plot has been used before, with Shakespeare and Dickens both receiving a visit from our time-travelling friend.

How do the writers come up with their ideas? Well, it turns out they use the patented Doctor Who Storyline Generator machine which - not unlike Madonna's fridge magnets - can be used to suggest a period, a guest character and a baddie that can be mixed up into a formulaic episode. I've had a go with Doctor Who Storyline Generator myself, and here are five scenarios which may make series five...

1. The Doctor travels back to 1886 to help Robert Louis Stevenson battle an army of marauding manic James Nesbits who want him to create a new series for the Yellow Pages advert star.

2. The Doctor travels back to 1890 to help Thomas Hardy fight a troupe of marauding mime artists who are intent on injecting more humour into his novels.

3. The Doctor travels back to 1994 to help Gladiators contestant Eunice Huthart stop marauding aliens in atlaspheres sent by Sharon Davies who really wants to be one of the Gladiators.

4. The Doctor travels back to 1998 to help Phil Redmond fight an army of marauding Musgroves who are planning another pointless explosion in yet another disastrous revamp attempt. I mean, who in their right mind would axe Greg Shadwick, eh?

5. The Doctor travels back to 1997 to help Joss Whedon come up with a freak-of-the-week-based fantasy series and nicks a few ideas along the way...

Everybody Loves... Lionel Luthor

Considering every character in Smallville reboots at the end of each episode and is as naive about Clarke's superpowers from one week to the next (despite witnessing Kal El performing ever-more amazing feats), it's curious that show's token two-dimensional villain is the only series regular to have evolved in any way.

Actually, that's not fair. Chloe knows Clarke's secret and is all the more useful for it, Lex no longer hides his enmity towards superboy, and Lois is fast turning into the Teri Hatcher incarnation we saw in Lois & Clarke. But let's forget about them.

John Glover is the silent star of Smallville. His Lionel Luthor has slowly switched from being the villain behind many of the freaks of the week to a respectable, seemingly benevolent father figure for Clarke - keeping his superhero status a secret and no longer wanting to use those powers for his own means. Lionel's involvement with the Kents has humanised him, just as Lex's friendship with Clarke made him a better person in earlier seasons. His involvement in Jonathan's death stirred some sort of conscience in him, and Martha's forgiveness of this has offered Lionel redemption. He's no longer the bad guy in his fights with Lex, though is still the protective father. As the mythology of the series requires Lex to become the big bad, Lionel had to pass that mantle on to his son. And Lex is going to be pretty evil this series.

Besides, surely Glover's Smallville hairpiece should a show of its own?

At last - some Lost gossip

In Case You Didn't Knowhas some pretty good stuff from Comic-Con about what's coming up on Lost. Carlton and Damon offer a few clues to series four, some of which sound mind-bendingly demented. Which is what Lost is all about. To summarise:

- Ben was heading somewhere when he got caught in Danielle's net in season two, he didn't intend to be captured.

- The flash-forward at the end of series three is not how the series will end, and future seasons will feature episodes set after the survivors' escape from island.

- The next series may well be shown on Friday's in America, meaning we'd only have two days to wait till Sky's Sunday night showing!

- We'll learn more about Libby next season, though Danielle's flashback may have to wait until a link between her and another character is ready to be revealed.

- There's a new orientation video doing the rounds, this time for a station called The Orchid. And it seems there's some sort of cloning operation going on. Fantastic.

Starting to worry about Dexter

I hope I'm wrong, but heavily hyped and alleged-best-thing-on-tv Dexter appears to be coasting along and we're only on episode three. Michael C Hall is still fabulous and his American Beauty-esque internal dialogue is still top-notch. But I'm tiring of his drippy girlfriend, the way his sister always outshines the top cop, the flashbacks to his childhood and the way Dexter somehow has a conscience despite being a killer. Most of all, I fear the ice-truck killer storyline is going to drag on for the entire series. Unless something shakes up the formula soon, I'm goins to be pretty dismayed. Perhaps I should look at some spoilers for clues, but I'm really trying to cut down on that sort of thing.

Emmerdale Double Whammy

How long have I been campaigning to get Vicki Michelle into a soap? Many, many years. So it was with an enormous sense of shock and awe that I discovered she's finally been signed up for a brief stint in Emmerdale later in the year.

Also in Emmerdale casting news, Nicola Blackstock's going to be returning to the village. With Kelly taking a year out, the soap needs a new not-very-good-at-being-a-bitch bitch and Nicola's attempts at troublemaking have always been so spectacularly half-hearted that she'll more than fit the bill. Double hurrah.

Soapy Seven Days

So what have we learned from the soaps after the past week?

Well, Emmerdale have somehow succeeded in giving the generic detectives brought in to investigate the Tom King murder more of a personality and inner-life than character that have been in EastEnders for more than five years. Grace Barroclough telling little Donna Windsor how being a cop has ruined her life was heart-breakingly good TV and plan to ensnare Carl will be the storyline of the summer. Elsewhere, the Diane/Billy/Jack love triangle is smoldering nicely and unlike any Stacey/Bradley/Max plots, it's entirely plausible that Diane call fall for the reformed killer. And we had two of the best comedy scenes of recent months, with Belle Dingle thumping the fabulous Val in the face and Louise's awful attempts at karaoke proving laugh-out-loud funny.

The climax of the Stella abuse plot in EastEnders proved quite watchable despite there being no internal logic to the entire storyline. Why was Phil marrying Stella, a woman with whom he shared no sexual chemistry? Why was Stella abusing Ben when she wanted to make up for the fact that she may have caused her little sibling's death? In fact why did no one notice Stella was a little unhinged when she practically ended every seen by twirling her moustache and phnarring evilly to camera? Anyhow, Stella's dead after implausible hiding in a disused factory and invited Phil round for a conciliatory chat. There's just no reason why any of this would have happened.

Also in a wibbly, wobbly world of its own in Hollyoaks which this week came over all Dennis Potter with sprog-dropping teen Amy Barnes singing a paeon to her beloved Josh. But that all went to plot when Josh discovered Amy's sister is in fact her daughter. The John-Paul and Craig plot rattled on with no sign of ending on the horizon, Hannah's eating disorders continue to slow burn, and Carmel and lovely immigrant Aleksander's relationship is so sweet it can only end badly.

Corrie is still flailing around in need of a good revamp. Why is Ashley falling for a woman who his wife told him burnt down his house? Why haven't the Duckworths learnt anything from caddish son Terry and quickly welcomed another quite obvious con artist into their home? Where has Leanne's restaurant come from? Does anyone like the Mortons? At least the excellent Vernon got a chance to show off his acting chops this week as he learned of Liz's affair.

Yawn, it's the climax to that Stella plot

Tonight's episode of EastEnders carried a helpline at the end for people affected by the show. Surprisingly, it wasn't the number for the Sylvia Young Theatre School, which is where quite a few members of the cast really need to spending more time...

Nightmare on Ramsay Street

This nice little site offers a terrifying insight into what's coming up later in month as Neighbours undergoes a serious revamp.

The most distressing element has to be the music - hopefully it will grow on me, but Home and Away's recent dalliance with crazy vocals had to be retracted a few months later. And though it's nice that the series will now be filmed in HD, it would be good to consider non-HD TV viewers who'll find it hard to make out who the characters whizzing by will be.

My only other quibble, is that Neighbours was supposed to be getting back to be being about families, friends and a lighter way of life. As Mark Little and Kyal Marsh have both said in recent interviews, the series has got way too depressing, obsessed with cheap stunts, backstabbing and psychos. But already the new Neighbours has a major car smash, another woman arriving to play mind games with Paul and further heartbreak for Susan. Where's the comedy?

Still, there are one or two promising signs. The return of Valda could be the comic touch we need and it's nice that Toadie and Steph look set to be happy. So long as the new family aren't too irksome and there aren't too many irritating kids arriving, things could work out for the best. Though someone really needs to explain to me where all those twentysomethings living at number 30 came from...

Producers of The Bill, Are you listening?

You've gone and lost lovely DS Phil Hunter apparently because he doesn't like the direction the show's taking. And who can blame him? I just don't know what I'm getting when I tune n anymore - credible drama, melodrama, refuge for ex-soapies, pointless pyrotechnics? What is going on. It's good you've signed up Footie Wives' Ben Richards and the idea that there will soon be a regular canine character could be insanely genius, but there's a lot of work to be done to get your ship in order. Here's what I recommend.

1. Make up your mind what the hell The Bill is. It was great back in it's old half-hour, pure policing format. It was also great a few years back when it became a demented soap featuring the likes of PC Barry Grant, psycho PC Cathy Bradford, undercover journalist Andrea and the brilliantly evil Supt Chandler. But what is the point of The Bill now? The Sun Hill coppers do seem to be focusing on crime at the moment, but it tends only to be crime involving their friends and relatives.

2. It's an old cliche, but the plods pounding the Sun Hill beat do seem to be getting younger. Scarily so. Ruby off EastEnders is surely the tiniest copper on the planet, and there are just too many kids in uniform. Bring in a few older cops who have experiences to share with the young 'uns.

3. Bring back the comedy. Back in the day, you could have a half-hour show that just comprised Quinnan and Stamp chasing round a Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar style character. Which made a nice change. Some of the best X-File episodes were the funny ones, give it a try.

4. Stop killing coppers! There's just no emotional impact when a Sun Hill regular dies anymore. I remember when Viv Martella was shot and it was shocking as no one ever died in The Bill, especially among the female staff. Losing Andrea and Kerry was still moving a few years back, but now the rate at which the staff expire (particularly in expensive explosions) is now ridiculous. There's no point forming a bond with any new characters as we know they'll be dead within a year.

5. Cut back on the stunt casting. Admittedly, Linda Bellingham as a Mafia don was an amazing twist, but you can't move for famous faces in Sun Hill these days. How can we take a plot seriously when you've got Darren Day or Jenny Eclair larking about? And the number of ex-soapies working at Sun Hill doesn't really heighten the air of realism.

6. Bring back the old theme tune! It's odd syncopation and flat notes perfectly summed up the seedy world of Sun Hill, and it had an absolutely awesome middle eight that made the show worth tuning into just in case they played it. And the new opening credits really are very dull.

That's about it really. Just make a choice between straight CSI storytelling or full-on soapie hi-jinks, get in some good actors and actors, and keep the spectacular stuff for special occasions. Just please go back to being good again.

From Sun Hill to Walford

The usual route on the soap highway is for actors to arrive in Sun Hill shortly after leaving Albert Square.

However, EastEnders has raided The Bill's casting department for a couple of new additions to the square. Sadly The Bill's second best actor (after Alex 'Smithy' Walkinshaw, of course) Scott Maslen is leaving Phil Hunter behind to become another member of the suddenly everywhere Branning clan. And Tanya Branning is getting a druggie sister played by Tanya Franks, aka DCI Morrell in The Bill and Karen in Family Affairs.

Scott's appearance in the Square could prove a much needed shot of realistic testosterone into a soap where male characters are either spineless wimps or two-dimensional bad guys. But EastEnders have employed good actors before and just turned them into unlikable, implausible macho potato-heads before. Craig Fairbrass could have been a brilliant tough but likable romeo if the producers could only come up with a non-gangster related plot to prove a character's masculinity. However they can't, which is why Scott may regret leaving The Bill and his Moonlighting-esque relationship with Sam Nixon behind.

Tanya Franks also could be a great assert. As her role in BBC3's excellent sitcom proved, she's great at playing caustic characters, and hopefully an out-of-control heroine addict could shake up the square and prove a good match against Shirley in future catfights. Mind you, Janet Dibley was excellent as Phil's wino girlfriend Lorna, but the producers let her go before her potential was realised. Let's hope they have more planned for the fabulous Tanya.

Nothing to see at Cape Wrath

Channel 4, when will you learn? Just because Shameless had a good of seasons a few years back, you can't keep pumping out drama featuring unlikable characters and snazzy camera work. Did we endure Goldplated for nothing?

Cape Wrath is the perfect example of style over substance. Classily shot, full of pop culture references to classic suspense films and show, and a cast of recognisable faces, it probably looked great on a whiteboard in some marketing meeting. However, the series has already shown it's hand, revealing all the residents of Meadlowlands are on witness relocation programmes. So no tension there. There was also a hugely wasted moment when the Brogan girls decided to leave town to go shopping - it would have been brilliant to see them just go round in circles before realising they can't escape. But last night's opener was free of all tension and mystery.

And there-in lies the problem. Cape Wrath would love to echo Twin Peak's kooky sense of unease or mirror Desperate Housewives' unhinged mysteries about what going on behind closed doors. But all the show could come up with was a sex-obsessed odd-job man with a Papa Lazarou accent, an autistic teen who will no doubt have a dark secret and a couple of plump neighbours who carry a bizarre hold over their neighbours. It would have been lovely to be scared or concerned for the characters in last night's opener, but not only is there no-one to root for, but if there were there would be nothing to root for them about. Seeing as how the mystery of Meadowlands has been revealed, why bother tuning in again.

TV just got good again

With Lost, 24, Prison Break and all missing in action, I thought it was going to be long, boring summer. But not only has Rome and the prospect of Heroes on HD helped me survive, but a couple of new US dramas on the off-the-radar channels have really perked me up.

FX's Dexter is sheer class and is frightening addictive after just one episode. Focusing on a blood-splatter obsessed forensics guy with a nice sideline in serial killing, Dexter could have turned out to be a mawkish morality tale. Although he only kills murderers who've managed to evade the law, there's no attempt to soften just how horrifically Dexter kills his prey and the audience is incriminated in his bloody crimes. What Dexter does is wrong, but neither the writers or Dexter himself try to justify any of it. It makes a startling change to the often judgmental CSI vehicles where murderers only seem to target models, gamblers and anyone else with loose morals. The writing is top-notch, as is the acting. Michael C Hall makes this solitary, emotion-free killer hugely likable. Backed up by Buffy's Julie Benz as his damaged shell of a girlfriend and Oz's Lauren Vélez providing some light relief as a comely cop with a crush on Dex.

Meanwhile on Five US, the first episode of Dirt did descend into a mawkish morality tale, but there's still plenty to enjoy. The main problem is the decision to make Courteney Cox's trashy magazine editor another one of those Sex and the City girls who, despite having a brilliant job, just wants to find a man and have babies. When an aggrieved actor she'd double-crossed pointed out that she'd never be able to love anyone, instead of just saying "I don't care", we were treated to a poignant musical interlude. Still, Ian Hart's schizo paparazzo more than made up for the needless humanising of Courteney's character. And I'm sure once we see more of Shannyn Sossamon and Carly Pope things will pick up. Dirt's problem may be that it just isn't shallow enough, and it needs to take some lessons from Nip/Tuck on that matter.

Like Davros at a karaoke club...

Could there be anything more irksome than the dubiously intentioned Live Earth?

Yes, it turns out, as I stumbled upon the catchily named Sing it Back: Lyric Champion 2007. Crikey Charlie - what an awful idea carried out with all the subtlety of an elephant dancing on a piano. All contestants have to do is complete lyrics to well-known songs. And when I say "well-known", I really mean "well known to listeners of Capital FM". It's essentially a frivolous concept which brings back memories of the much-missed daytime game show Keynotes, but to crank up the tension they're filming it in a CSI-esque forensics lab with monotoned Paul Gambaccini firing lyrics from behind a desk like Davros at a karaoke club.

All in all, it's very poor. So poor, you almost feel sorry for presenters JK and Joel, who the producers are clearly eyeing up as "the next Ant and Dec" - seemingly oblivious to the fact that Sam and Mark have already claimed that crown.

Good casting news, Bad casting news

Catherine Tate, a regular in Doctor Who? Nooooooooooooooo.

Nathan Fillion joining Desperate Housewives? Yeeeeeeees!

Soapy Seven Days

It's not been the most eventful of weeks in the world of soap. Hollyoaks seems to have had the monopoly on intriguing plots over the past seven days, with Clare (the only soap Clare not to have an I) waking from her mini-coma to finger Warren as the one who pushed her. Only it definitely wasn't him as he'd been getting jiggy with bride-to-be Mercedes that night - oh, and he'd hired a van to knock Justin over at the same time. Elsewhere, Craig continued to mess John Paul around, the rather dull Rhys and his two dads plot came to a 'climax' and Rachel off Brookside refused to let Tom return to live with Max. Which is quite upsetting.

If you read the billings in listings magazines, you'd think EastEnders would be where the excitement is. Only no one actually cares about Bradley and Stacey. They're just too young - it's like Byker Grove but with less well-dram characters. And the big revelation about Stella turned out to be just what an 8-year-old on a creative writing assignment would come up with. Wouldn't it be better if she was just plain old mad without a predictably poignant back story? And surely the Peggy and the Polish builders storyline is putting the process of EU enlargement back a couple of decades?

Corrie still has the best writing of any soap, it's just a shame there's a lack of storylines for the writers to do anything with. We don't care about Leanne and the restaurant, Claire (with an I) and Casey, and the Sean and Violet plot is just vomit-inducing. Even devil child David Platt is getting dull - we've only got the prospect of Cilla's war with the Morton's eatery to keep us interested.

Emmerdale's in one it's 'in between big storylines' phases, but what we've got is bubbling nicely. Carl slowly cracking up over Tom's murder, Diane's simmering feelings for postmaster-killer Billy, Rosemary's mind games with Perdy (who is now officially The New Zoe Tate). Plus we've got Kelly going off to become a Formula One dollybird - who'd have thought Adele Silva would prove to be a comedy genius?

Neighbours is sadly missing in action owing to some tennis festival going on, though Home and Away's still off-the-boil with Kelli's boring revenge plot dragging on, Martha still not realising that anyone who owns a strip-joint is unlikely to be a model citizen, and Cassie getting involved with a battered-girlfriend being the major offerings. Not long till Kit goes into labour though...

America's Got More Talent

ITV2 started showing America's Got Talent on Friday evening, and there's no mistaking why they waited until the British version was out of the way to start broadcasting it: it's simply superior.

First up, it's more than just a singing contest - which sadly is all our version turned into. Alongside the usual wannabe crooners, America's Got Talent featured some pretty good dancing troops, insane magic shows, blatant stripping acts and, best of all, a man who could balance an oven on his chin. Now, that's talent. Anyone can learn to sing, but who's got the grit and determination to learn how to balance white goods on their faces? Who even thinks up such an act?

Another plus point is the lack of kids. The youngest child on Friday night was 11-years-old, but she had the voice the voice of a middle-aged gospel singer. There was no time for, or relying on, cutesy face-pulling or heartstring-pulling tales of woe on the American version, whereas Britain's Got Talent should have been called Britain's Got Sob Stories.

And the panel were pretty good in their individual roles. Piers Morgan out-Cowelling Simon Cowell, David Hasselhoff's just there to like everyone, and Brandy acting as the moral majority, making no disguise of her distaste of any act featuring innuendo or female flesh. All in all, this is how to do it.

A victory for common sense...

E4 have finally seen sense and returned One Tree Hill to a peak-time slot. From July 11th, the top drama that was unfairly overshadowed by the faddish OC will be showing at 9pm on Wednesdays. Just in time for Lucas to discover just what happened to Keith during the high-school massacre (in the episode that I'm not convinced E4 has dared show yet). Result!

UPDATE: It seems One Tree Hill's promotion to primetime is just a one-off to cover the revelation about what happened during the high-school massacre. Too bad, but at E4 are actually going to show this episode.

Elizabeth Hackford, we salute you

While Tycoon has little to recommend itself, its saving grace is the casting and it's whole good vs evil theme. While both Tom and Lauren are quite awful creatures who will eventually fail, the most magnificently inept businesswoman of the series - and thus the one who will suffer most - is fruity -vodka-peddler Elizabeth Hackford.

Apparently having given up a £60,000-a-year job to make a go of her smoothie/alcohol hybrid drink, Elizabeth's penchant for bursting into tears at the slightest thing puts her into a different league to the rest of the competitors. This week's highlight has to be Elizabeth turning on the waterworks to the news that dorky rival Justin was going to meet Paul McKenna. Along with the tears, she constantly likes to confide in the camera-crew that she's 'worker her arse off', a thought that should not even be projected post watershed.

It would actually be quite nice to see Elizabeth win as the producers have clearly set her up to take a fall in much the same way Katie was in The Apprentice. But, as Britain's Got Talent proves, if you're a bit of loser with a sob story to tell, you're always going to be a winner on ITV1.

Best TV advert ever!