Producers of The Bill, Are you listening?

You've gone and lost lovely DS Phil Hunter apparently because he doesn't like the direction the show's taking. And who can blame him? I just don't know what I'm getting when I tune n anymore - credible drama, melodrama, refuge for ex-soapies, pointless pyrotechnics? What is going on. It's good you've signed up Footie Wives' Ben Richards and the idea that there will soon be a regular canine character could be insanely genius, but there's a lot of work to be done to get your ship in order. Here's what I recommend.

1. Make up your mind what the hell The Bill is. It was great back in it's old half-hour, pure policing format. It was also great a few years back when it became a demented soap featuring the likes of PC Barry Grant, psycho PC Cathy Bradford, undercover journalist Andrea and the brilliantly evil Supt Chandler. But what is the point of The Bill now? The Sun Hill coppers do seem to be focusing on crime at the moment, but it tends only to be crime involving their friends and relatives.

2. It's an old cliche, but the plods pounding the Sun Hill beat do seem to be getting younger. Scarily so. Ruby off EastEnders is surely the tiniest copper on the planet, and there are just too many kids in uniform. Bring in a few older cops who have experiences to share with the young 'uns.

3. Bring back the comedy. Back in the day, you could have a half-hour show that just comprised Quinnan and Stamp chasing round a Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar style character. Which made a nice change. Some of the best X-File episodes were the funny ones, give it a try.

4. Stop killing coppers! There's just no emotional impact when a Sun Hill regular dies anymore. I remember when Viv Martella was shot and it was shocking as no one ever died in The Bill, especially among the female staff. Losing Andrea and Kerry was still moving a few years back, but now the rate at which the staff expire (particularly in expensive explosions) is now ridiculous. There's no point forming a bond with any new characters as we know they'll be dead within a year.

5. Cut back on the stunt casting. Admittedly, Linda Bellingham as a Mafia don was an amazing twist, but you can't move for famous faces in Sun Hill these days. How can we take a plot seriously when you've got Darren Day or Jenny Eclair larking about? And the number of ex-soapies working at Sun Hill doesn't really heighten the air of realism.

6. Bring back the old theme tune! It's odd syncopation and flat notes perfectly summed up the seedy world of Sun Hill, and it had an absolutely awesome middle eight that made the show worth tuning into just in case they played it. And the new opening credits really are very dull.

That's about it really. Just make a choice between straight CSI storytelling or full-on soapie hi-jinks, get in some good actors and actors, and keep the spectacular stuff for special occasions. Just please go back to being good again.