Soapy Seven Days

It's not been the most eventful of weeks in the world of soap. Hollyoaks seems to have had the monopoly on intriguing plots over the past seven days, with Clare (the only soap Clare not to have an I) waking from her mini-coma to finger Warren as the one who pushed her. Only it definitely wasn't him as he'd been getting jiggy with bride-to-be Mercedes that night - oh, and he'd hired a van to knock Justin over at the same time. Elsewhere, Craig continued to mess John Paul around, the rather dull Rhys and his two dads plot came to a 'climax' and Rachel off Brookside refused to let Tom return to live with Max. Which is quite upsetting.

If you read the billings in listings magazines, you'd think EastEnders would be where the excitement is. Only no one actually cares about Bradley and Stacey. They're just too young - it's like Byker Grove but with less well-dram characters. And the big revelation about Stella turned out to be just what an 8-year-old on a creative writing assignment would come up with. Wouldn't it be better if she was just plain old mad without a predictably poignant back story? And surely the Peggy and the Polish builders storyline is putting the process of EU enlargement back a couple of decades?

Corrie still has the best writing of any soap, it's just a shame there's a lack of storylines for the writers to do anything with. We don't care about Leanne and the restaurant, Claire (with an I) and Casey, and the Sean and Violet plot is just vomit-inducing. Even devil child David Platt is getting dull - we've only got the prospect of Cilla's war with the Morton's eatery to keep us interested.

Emmerdale's in one it's 'in between big storylines' phases, but what we've got is bubbling nicely. Carl slowly cracking up over Tom's murder, Diane's simmering feelings for postmaster-killer Billy, Rosemary's mind games with Perdy (who is now officially The New Zoe Tate). Plus we've got Kelly going off to become a Formula One dollybird - who'd have thought Adele Silva would prove to be a comedy genius?

Neighbours is sadly missing in action owing to some tennis festival going on, though Home and Away's still off-the-boil with Kelli's boring revenge plot dragging on, Martha still not realising that anyone who owns a strip-joint is unlikely to be a model citizen, and Cassie getting involved with a battered-girlfriend being the major offerings. Not long till Kit goes into labour though...