Mega-wicked News

Gladiators is coming back to US TV. It can only be a matter of time before ITV brings it back too, can't it? Well, can't it?

Boom!

If Living don't start showing season four of Melrose Place next Saturday, I'm going to be more than a mite upset.

Penelope, Princess of Pets

I've been trying to track this down since I saw her stand-up routine last month, but here's Flight of the Conchords' Kristen Schaal in one of her other incarnations. Not only can Penelope talk to animals, but she's out to stop the destruction of Earth. There's more on her MySpace page...

Reaction to Dreary TV Titbits

Jessie Wallace to replace Amanda Holden in Wild at Heart.
Could be worse, at least she's not joining Heartbeat/The Royal.

Corrie's Claire/Ashley/Casey storyline to climax on top of a tower block.
This is Corrie's worst plot for many a year and the conclusion with Casey threatening to throw the baby off a tower block is hardly a surprising twist. Has British soap really used up all possible storylines now? It's time to ship some former Melrose Place writers into Weatherfield.

Bobby Davro joins EastEnders.
Come on, EastEnders. Stop bringing in new characters what are just carbon copies of old favourites. You need to move on, not keep repeating the past.

Harry Hill to make his own version of Beadle's About.
Top news. As much as it pains me to say it, but Harry's mean-spirited, knowing commentary to You've Been Framed is one of the funniest things on the box at the moment. But why not just bring Jeremy Beadle back to do it?

One of the main Desperate Housewives will be killed off this series.
But we were told one of them would die in the supermarket siege last year...

Ben Kingsley to possibly play Davros.
Could be brilliant, especially if he turns in a sweary Sexy Beast-style performance. Davros was always far scarier than the Daleks.

The Best (Cheapest) Soap Disaster Ever...

...still has to be Shortland Street's 1000th episode earthquake. Not only did they manage to do it on a budget of 50p, but nasty nurse Carla Crozier-Leach finally got to kill someone - not with the candelabra but in the end just by talking him to death. It's the middle here...

Going dotty

So anyway. Back to Walford. Patrick's been attacked. The police are all over the Square. But it's not until someone phones Dot that she discovers what's going on.

So, Albert Square's most nosey resident hasn't looked out of the windows of her primely located house at all that day. Really? Really? Really?

Is that really plausible? Is it?

Doctor Who non-preview

The Doctor Who team have announced a sudden change in direction for the series. In a bold move, apparently the fourth season will see the Doctor going back in time to solve a mystery with prolific crime writer Agatha Christie. Obviously, I'm being a touch sarcastic as this exact same plot has been used before, with Shakespeare and Dickens both receiving a visit from our time-travelling friend.

How do the writers come up with their ideas? Well, it turns out they use the patented Doctor Who Storyline Generator machine which - not unlike Madonna's fridge magnets - can be used to suggest a period, a guest character and a baddie that can be mixed up into a formulaic episode. I've had a go with Doctor Who Storyline Generator myself, and here are five scenarios which may make series five...

1. The Doctor travels back to 1886 to help Robert Louis Stevenson battle an army of marauding manic James Nesbits who want him to create a new series for the Yellow Pages advert star.

2. The Doctor travels back to 1890 to help Thomas Hardy fight a troupe of marauding mime artists who are intent on injecting more humour into his novels.

3. The Doctor travels back to 1994 to help Gladiators contestant Eunice Huthart stop marauding aliens in atlaspheres sent by Sharon Davies who really wants to be one of the Gladiators.

4. The Doctor travels back to 1998 to help Phil Redmond fight an army of marauding Musgroves who are planning another pointless explosion in yet another disastrous revamp attempt. I mean, who in their right mind would axe Greg Shadwick, eh?

5. The Doctor travels back to 1997 to help Joss Whedon come up with a freak-of-the-week-based fantasy series and nicks a few ideas along the way...