Everybody Loves... Lionel Luthor

Considering every character in Smallville reboots at the end of each episode and is as naive about Clarke's superpowers from one week to the next (despite witnessing Kal El performing ever-more amazing feats), it's curious that show's token two-dimensional villain is the only series regular to have evolved in any way.

Actually, that's not fair. Chloe knows Clarke's secret and is all the more useful for it, Lex no longer hides his enmity towards superboy, and Lois is fast turning into the Teri Hatcher incarnation we saw in Lois & Clarke. But let's forget about them.

John Glover is the silent star of Smallville. His Lionel Luthor has slowly switched from being the villain behind many of the freaks of the week to a respectable, seemingly benevolent father figure for Clarke - keeping his superhero status a secret and no longer wanting to use those powers for his own means. Lionel's involvement with the Kents has humanised him, just as Lex's friendship with Clarke made him a better person in earlier seasons. His involvement in Jonathan's death stirred some sort of conscience in him, and Martha's forgiveness of this has offered Lionel redemption. He's no longer the bad guy in his fights with Lex, though is still the protective father. As the mythology of the series requires Lex to become the big bad, Lionel had to pass that mantle on to his son. And Lex is going to be pretty evil this series.

Besides, surely Glover's Smallville hairpiece should a show of its own?

At last - some Lost gossip

In Case You Didn't Knowhas some pretty good stuff from Comic-Con about what's coming up on Lost. Carlton and Damon offer a few clues to series four, some of which sound mind-bendingly demented. Which is what Lost is all about. To summarise:

- Ben was heading somewhere when he got caught in Danielle's net in season two, he didn't intend to be captured.

- The flash-forward at the end of series three is not how the series will end, and future seasons will feature episodes set after the survivors' escape from island.

- The next series may well be shown on Friday's in America, meaning we'd only have two days to wait till Sky's Sunday night showing!

- We'll learn more about Libby next season, though Danielle's flashback may have to wait until a link between her and another character is ready to be revealed.

- There's a new orientation video doing the rounds, this time for a station called The Orchid. And it seems there's some sort of cloning operation going on. Fantastic.

Starting to worry about Dexter

I hope I'm wrong, but heavily hyped and alleged-best-thing-on-tv Dexter appears to be coasting along and we're only on episode three. Michael C Hall is still fabulous and his American Beauty-esque internal dialogue is still top-notch. But I'm tiring of his drippy girlfriend, the way his sister always outshines the top cop, the flashbacks to his childhood and the way Dexter somehow has a conscience despite being a killer. Most of all, I fear the ice-truck killer storyline is going to drag on for the entire series. Unless something shakes up the formula soon, I'm goins to be pretty dismayed. Perhaps I should look at some spoilers for clues, but I'm really trying to cut down on that sort of thing.

Emmerdale Double Whammy

How long have I been campaigning to get Vicki Michelle into a soap? Many, many years. So it was with an enormous sense of shock and awe that I discovered she's finally been signed up for a brief stint in Emmerdale later in the year.

Also in Emmerdale casting news, Nicola Blackstock's going to be returning to the village. With Kelly taking a year out, the soap needs a new not-very-good-at-being-a-bitch bitch and Nicola's attempts at troublemaking have always been so spectacularly half-hearted that she'll more than fit the bill. Double hurrah.

Soapy Seven Days

So what have we learned from the soaps after the past week?

Well, Emmerdale have somehow succeeded in giving the generic detectives brought in to investigate the Tom King murder more of a personality and inner-life than character that have been in EastEnders for more than five years. Grace Barroclough telling little Donna Windsor how being a cop has ruined her life was heart-breakingly good TV and plan to ensnare Carl will be the storyline of the summer. Elsewhere, the Diane/Billy/Jack love triangle is smoldering nicely and unlike any Stacey/Bradley/Max plots, it's entirely plausible that Diane call fall for the reformed killer. And we had two of the best comedy scenes of recent months, with Belle Dingle thumping the fabulous Val in the face and Louise's awful attempts at karaoke proving laugh-out-loud funny.

The climax of the Stella abuse plot in EastEnders proved quite watchable despite there being no internal logic to the entire storyline. Why was Phil marrying Stella, a woman with whom he shared no sexual chemistry? Why was Stella abusing Ben when she wanted to make up for the fact that she may have caused her little sibling's death? In fact why did no one notice Stella was a little unhinged when she practically ended every seen by twirling her moustache and phnarring evilly to camera? Anyhow, Stella's dead after implausible hiding in a disused factory and invited Phil round for a conciliatory chat. There's just no reason why any of this would have happened.

Also in a wibbly, wobbly world of its own in Hollyoaks which this week came over all Dennis Potter with sprog-dropping teen Amy Barnes singing a paeon to her beloved Josh. But that all went to plot when Josh discovered Amy's sister is in fact her daughter. The John-Paul and Craig plot rattled on with no sign of ending on the horizon, Hannah's eating disorders continue to slow burn, and Carmel and lovely immigrant Aleksander's relationship is so sweet it can only end badly.

Corrie is still flailing around in need of a good revamp. Why is Ashley falling for a woman who his wife told him burnt down his house? Why haven't the Duckworths learnt anything from caddish son Terry and quickly welcomed another quite obvious con artist into their home? Where has Leanne's restaurant come from? Does anyone like the Mortons? At least the excellent Vernon got a chance to show off his acting chops this week as he learned of Liz's affair.

Yawn, it's the climax to that Stella plot

Tonight's episode of EastEnders carried a helpline at the end for people affected by the show. Surprisingly, it wasn't the number for the Sylvia Young Theatre School, which is where quite a few members of the cast really need to spending more time...

Nightmare on Ramsay Street

This nice little site offers a terrifying insight into what's coming up later in month as Neighbours undergoes a serious revamp.

The most distressing element has to be the music - hopefully it will grow on me, but Home and Away's recent dalliance with crazy vocals had to be retracted a few months later. And though it's nice that the series will now be filmed in HD, it would be good to consider non-HD TV viewers who'll find it hard to make out who the characters whizzing by will be.

My only other quibble, is that Neighbours was supposed to be getting back to be being about families, friends and a lighter way of life. As Mark Little and Kyal Marsh have both said in recent interviews, the series has got way too depressing, obsessed with cheap stunts, backstabbing and psychos. But already the new Neighbours has a major car smash, another woman arriving to play mind games with Paul and further heartbreak for Susan. Where's the comedy?

Still, there are one or two promising signs. The return of Valda could be the comic touch we need and it's nice that Toadie and Steph look set to be happy. So long as the new family aren't too irksome and there aren't too many irritating kids arriving, things could work out for the best. Though someone really needs to explain to me where all those twentysomethings living at number 30 came from...

Producers of The Bill, Are you listening?

You've gone and lost lovely DS Phil Hunter apparently because he doesn't like the direction the show's taking. And who can blame him? I just don't know what I'm getting when I tune n anymore - credible drama, melodrama, refuge for ex-soapies, pointless pyrotechnics? What is going on. It's good you've signed up Footie Wives' Ben Richards and the idea that there will soon be a regular canine character could be insanely genius, but there's a lot of work to be done to get your ship in order. Here's what I recommend.

1. Make up your mind what the hell The Bill is. It was great back in it's old half-hour, pure policing format. It was also great a few years back when it became a demented soap featuring the likes of PC Barry Grant, psycho PC Cathy Bradford, undercover journalist Andrea and the brilliantly evil Supt Chandler. But what is the point of The Bill now? The Sun Hill coppers do seem to be focusing on crime at the moment, but it tends only to be crime involving their friends and relatives.

2. It's an old cliche, but the plods pounding the Sun Hill beat do seem to be getting younger. Scarily so. Ruby off EastEnders is surely the tiniest copper on the planet, and there are just too many kids in uniform. Bring in a few older cops who have experiences to share with the young 'uns.

3. Bring back the comedy. Back in the day, you could have a half-hour show that just comprised Quinnan and Stamp chasing round a Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar style character. Which made a nice change. Some of the best X-File episodes were the funny ones, give it a try.

4. Stop killing coppers! There's just no emotional impact when a Sun Hill regular dies anymore. I remember when Viv Martella was shot and it was shocking as no one ever died in The Bill, especially among the female staff. Losing Andrea and Kerry was still moving a few years back, but now the rate at which the staff expire (particularly in expensive explosions) is now ridiculous. There's no point forming a bond with any new characters as we know they'll be dead within a year.

5. Cut back on the stunt casting. Admittedly, Linda Bellingham as a Mafia don was an amazing twist, but you can't move for famous faces in Sun Hill these days. How can we take a plot seriously when you've got Darren Day or Jenny Eclair larking about? And the number of ex-soapies working at Sun Hill doesn't really heighten the air of realism.

6. Bring back the old theme tune! It's odd syncopation and flat notes perfectly summed up the seedy world of Sun Hill, and it had an absolutely awesome middle eight that made the show worth tuning into just in case they played it. And the new opening credits really are very dull.

That's about it really. Just make a choice between straight CSI storytelling or full-on soapie hi-jinks, get in some good actors and actors, and keep the spectacular stuff for special occasions. Just please go back to being good again.

From Sun Hill to Walford

The usual route on the soap highway is for actors to arrive in Sun Hill shortly after leaving Albert Square.

However, EastEnders has raided The Bill's casting department for a couple of new additions to the square. Sadly The Bill's second best actor (after Alex 'Smithy' Walkinshaw, of course) Scott Maslen is leaving Phil Hunter behind to become another member of the suddenly everywhere Branning clan. And Tanya Branning is getting a druggie sister played by Tanya Franks, aka DCI Morrell in The Bill and Karen in Family Affairs.

Scott's appearance in the Square could prove a much needed shot of realistic testosterone into a soap where male characters are either spineless wimps or two-dimensional bad guys. But EastEnders have employed good actors before and just turned them into unlikable, implausible macho potato-heads before. Craig Fairbrass could have been a brilliant tough but likable romeo if the producers could only come up with a non-gangster related plot to prove a character's masculinity. However they can't, which is why Scott may regret leaving The Bill and his Moonlighting-esque relationship with Sam Nixon behind.

Tanya Franks also could be a great assert. As her role in BBC3's excellent sitcom proved, she's great at playing caustic characters, and hopefully an out-of-control heroine addict could shake up the square and prove a good match against Shirley in future catfights. Mind you, Janet Dibley was excellent as Phil's wino girlfriend Lorna, but the producers let her go before her potential was realised. Let's hope they have more planned for the fabulous Tanya.

Nothing to see at Cape Wrath

Channel 4, when will you learn? Just because Shameless had a good of seasons a few years back, you can't keep pumping out drama featuring unlikable characters and snazzy camera work. Did we endure Goldplated for nothing?

Cape Wrath is the perfect example of style over substance. Classily shot, full of pop culture references to classic suspense films and show, and a cast of recognisable faces, it probably looked great on a whiteboard in some marketing meeting. However, the series has already shown it's hand, revealing all the residents of Meadlowlands are on witness relocation programmes. So no tension there. There was also a hugely wasted moment when the Brogan girls decided to leave town to go shopping - it would have been brilliant to see them just go round in circles before realising they can't escape. But last night's opener was free of all tension and mystery.

And there-in lies the problem. Cape Wrath would love to echo Twin Peak's kooky sense of unease or mirror Desperate Housewives' unhinged mysteries about what going on behind closed doors. But all the show could come up with was a sex-obsessed odd-job man with a Papa Lazarou accent, an autistic teen who will no doubt have a dark secret and a couple of plump neighbours who carry a bizarre hold over their neighbours. It would have been lovely to be scared or concerned for the characters in last night's opener, but not only is there no-one to root for, but if there were there would be nothing to root for them about. Seeing as how the mystery of Meadowlands has been revealed, why bother tuning in again.

TV just got good again

With Lost, 24, Prison Break and all missing in action, I thought it was going to be long, boring summer. But not only has Rome and the prospect of Heroes on HD helped me survive, but a couple of new US dramas on the off-the-radar channels have really perked me up.

FX's Dexter is sheer class and is frightening addictive after just one episode. Focusing on a blood-splatter obsessed forensics guy with a nice sideline in serial killing, Dexter could have turned out to be a mawkish morality tale. Although he only kills murderers who've managed to evade the law, there's no attempt to soften just how horrifically Dexter kills his prey and the audience is incriminated in his bloody crimes. What Dexter does is wrong, but neither the writers or Dexter himself try to justify any of it. It makes a startling change to the often judgmental CSI vehicles where murderers only seem to target models, gamblers and anyone else with loose morals. The writing is top-notch, as is the acting. Michael C Hall makes this solitary, emotion-free killer hugely likable. Backed up by Buffy's Julie Benz as his damaged shell of a girlfriend and Oz's Lauren Vélez providing some light relief as a comely cop with a crush on Dex.

Meanwhile on Five US, the first episode of Dirt did descend into a mawkish morality tale, but there's still plenty to enjoy. The main problem is the decision to make Courteney Cox's trashy magazine editor another one of those Sex and the City girls who, despite having a brilliant job, just wants to find a man and have babies. When an aggrieved actor she'd double-crossed pointed out that she'd never be able to love anyone, instead of just saying "I don't care", we were treated to a poignant musical interlude. Still, Ian Hart's schizo paparazzo more than made up for the needless humanising of Courteney's character. And I'm sure once we see more of Shannyn Sossamon and Carly Pope things will pick up. Dirt's problem may be that it just isn't shallow enough, and it needs to take some lessons from Nip/Tuck on that matter.

Like Davros at a karaoke club...

Could there be anything more irksome than the dubiously intentioned Live Earth?

Yes, it turns out, as I stumbled upon the catchily named Sing it Back: Lyric Champion 2007. Crikey Charlie - what an awful idea carried out with all the subtlety of an elephant dancing on a piano. All contestants have to do is complete lyrics to well-known songs. And when I say "well-known", I really mean "well known to listeners of Capital FM". It's essentially a frivolous concept which brings back memories of the much-missed daytime game show Keynotes, but to crank up the tension they're filming it in a CSI-esque forensics lab with monotoned Paul Gambaccini firing lyrics from behind a desk like Davros at a karaoke club.

All in all, it's very poor. So poor, you almost feel sorry for presenters JK and Joel, who the producers are clearly eyeing up as "the next Ant and Dec" - seemingly oblivious to the fact that Sam and Mark have already claimed that crown.

Good casting news, Bad casting news

Catherine Tate, a regular in Doctor Who? Nooooooooooooooo.

Nathan Fillion joining Desperate Housewives? Yeeeeeeees!

Soapy Seven Days

It's not been the most eventful of weeks in the world of soap. Hollyoaks seems to have had the monopoly on intriguing plots over the past seven days, with Clare (the only soap Clare not to have an I) waking from her mini-coma to finger Warren as the one who pushed her. Only it definitely wasn't him as he'd been getting jiggy with bride-to-be Mercedes that night - oh, and he'd hired a van to knock Justin over at the same time. Elsewhere, Craig continued to mess John Paul around, the rather dull Rhys and his two dads plot came to a 'climax' and Rachel off Brookside refused to let Tom return to live with Max. Which is quite upsetting.

If you read the billings in listings magazines, you'd think EastEnders would be where the excitement is. Only no one actually cares about Bradley and Stacey. They're just too young - it's like Byker Grove but with less well-dram characters. And the big revelation about Stella turned out to be just what an 8-year-old on a creative writing assignment would come up with. Wouldn't it be better if she was just plain old mad without a predictably poignant back story? And surely the Peggy and the Polish builders storyline is putting the process of EU enlargement back a couple of decades?

Corrie still has the best writing of any soap, it's just a shame there's a lack of storylines for the writers to do anything with. We don't care about Leanne and the restaurant, Claire (with an I) and Casey, and the Sean and Violet plot is just vomit-inducing. Even devil child David Platt is getting dull - we've only got the prospect of Cilla's war with the Morton's eatery to keep us interested.

Emmerdale's in one it's 'in between big storylines' phases, but what we've got is bubbling nicely. Carl slowly cracking up over Tom's murder, Diane's simmering feelings for postmaster-killer Billy, Rosemary's mind games with Perdy (who is now officially The New Zoe Tate). Plus we've got Kelly going off to become a Formula One dollybird - who'd have thought Adele Silva would prove to be a comedy genius?

Neighbours is sadly missing in action owing to some tennis festival going on, though Home and Away's still off-the-boil with Kelli's boring revenge plot dragging on, Martha still not realising that anyone who owns a strip-joint is unlikely to be a model citizen, and Cassie getting involved with a battered-girlfriend being the major offerings. Not long till Kit goes into labour though...

America's Got More Talent

ITV2 started showing America's Got Talent on Friday evening, and there's no mistaking why they waited until the British version was out of the way to start broadcasting it: it's simply superior.

First up, it's more than just a singing contest - which sadly is all our version turned into. Alongside the usual wannabe crooners, America's Got Talent featured some pretty good dancing troops, insane magic shows, blatant stripping acts and, best of all, a man who could balance an oven on his chin. Now, that's talent. Anyone can learn to sing, but who's got the grit and determination to learn how to balance white goods on their faces? Who even thinks up such an act?

Another plus point is the lack of kids. The youngest child on Friday night was 11-years-old, but she had the voice the voice of a middle-aged gospel singer. There was no time for, or relying on, cutesy face-pulling or heartstring-pulling tales of woe on the American version, whereas Britain's Got Talent should have been called Britain's Got Sob Stories.

And the panel were pretty good in their individual roles. Piers Morgan out-Cowelling Simon Cowell, David Hasselhoff's just there to like everyone, and Brandy acting as the moral majority, making no disguise of her distaste of any act featuring innuendo or female flesh. All in all, this is how to do it.