Gladiators - We Can Fix It

It started with such promise, but Sky1's Gladiators reboot has been a bit of a disappointment. Who'd have thought getting the same gladiators to play the same games week in, week out would get a little boring? Well, me for one. The first run of the original series suffered because the same five events were used every edition - surely someone at Sky was aware of that?

Well, probably, no - as their effort has been based on the inferior American Gladiators. Fewer games, more contestant sob stories and not enough time spent getting to know the gladiators themselves - they're the stars of the show, not the idiot contestants, Sky! And it's the contestants that have ruined this series - they're bloody hopeless and no match for the glads. I spoke to John Anderson at the start of the series and he said he would be failing in his job if he'd chosen gladiators who couldn't beat the contenders. But it's boring TV if Spartan and Panther knock their opponents off Duel within five seconds every week.

And we haven't had the chance to meet the gladiators anyway - only the mouthy ones like Tornado and Oblivion don't get their comments cut out. Instead we have to listen to the vein, vapid contestants talking about their dull lives, lucky pants, god and dead relatives all the time. We don't care - we just want to see these people get whacked over the head with a pugil stick. More time should have been spent making the gladiators into actual characters - Spartan's hilarious with his continual posing and Atlas is quite clearly a closet geek, more such of been made of this. And why are all the female gladiators so miserable - look at Lightning, Jet and brilliantly bouffanted Panther, they made the original series more fun.

This is what we need to make series two must-see TV...

1) More events every week - cut out the waffle, get more games in.

2) Vary the games - obviously there's not space for some of the brilliant old arena games any more, but Tilt, Whiplash, Vertigo and Suspension Bridge could all work.

3) Make the games you have got work. You apparently can't wrestle on Earthquake, just push. You're not allowed to touch the demolition balls in Hit and Run, nor can you wait for them to pass - so what are you supposed to do? Hang Tough is played on a grid the size of a postage stamp so there's no room for dodging. And the Eliminator just doesn't work - what are the Cotton Reels for, exactly?

4) Find some contestants that can actually take on the gladiators.

5) Spend more time on developing the gladiators' characters - they're the brand, not the contestants...

If you want to know how to do it, Sky, watch the old episodes on Challenge or tune in to the new Australian version. Please sort it out.

TV Highlight of the Week

When they said the first few episodes of Gladiators experienced some teething problems, they certainly weren't lying...

Who is this man, and has he ever seen the television series Lost?

I only ask as he was one of the talking heads on last night's despicable Lost: The Answers are Here. My TV guide says this affront to intelligent television featured "British celebrity fans quizzing Lost's creators about the desert island drama". Not the first time, this was not entirely accurate.

Not only did producers Damon and Carlton fail to reveal anything about Lost that couldn't be discovered by a sardine using Google, there were no celebrity fans. I watch a hell of a lot of TV, and the only person feature that I would class as being a TV personality is Sarah Cawood - let alone the above buffoon that is OJ Borg. This was one of the worst examples of rubbish-talking-heads-TV of all time - lazy, insulting and utterly pointless. OJ, Cawood and pals were as insightful as an invisible yellow pages. Everyone at Sky should hang their heads in shame at this grotesque programme. Shame on you.

Charlotte is Sawyer's Daughter. Possibly.

So there goes another series of Lost. A rejuvenated Lost, certainly, but perhaps a less satisfactory Lost. And this year's season finale was definitely the fourth best season finale of the four series so far. Series one, we had the promise that something hairy and Scottish would be down the hatch. Series two, the hatch blew up, Locke brilliantly said "I was wrong", and the Others took Jack, Kate and Sawyer to Alcatraz. And series three had Naomi stabbed, Charlie drown, Penny announcing it most certainly wasn't her boat, Rousseau and Alex meeting, Sayid breaking a man's neck with his thighs, rescue at hand and the first-ever flash forward. Can you guess which series finale I think is the best?

Anyway, at the conclusion of series four, we're exactly where we were at the end of series three - Jack wants to go back to the island and we don't know what's happened to those people still there. We needed another teaser other than the much-predicted revelation that Locke would be in that coffin. It didn't come. Not that I want to be spoiled, I'd just have liked some reassurance that the show is worth sticking with for another two years.

So here's what's going to be bothering me (in not entirely a bad way) over the next eight months...

- Jin, Daniel and everyone else out at sea: are they stuck in the middle of the ocean, or were they moved with the island? And where are Rose and Bernard. And Vincent?!?

- Why didn't Juliet want to leave the island? She's been harping on about her sister for ages. She and Sun are the best female characters (not that there's many to choose from) and I want to see her back to her feisty self asap.

- Charlotte born on the island? But pregnant women and island don't mix. My personal insane theory: Charlotte is Sawyer's daughter. Possibly. Don't know how or why, but it could work.

- I love Penny and Desmond so much, but do they have a long-term future in the show? Does Desi need to go back to the island as well as the Six? And where is Claire? Is she in the cabin, flying around time and space somewhere?

- Sun blames two people for Jin's "death" - one's her dad, and the other has to be Jack or possibly Ben. She's not going back to the island with her sprog without a fight, and now she's got into bed with Widmore, I'm looking forward to a roaring rampage of revenge.

- Just what is with the island? I still reckon Jacob is Jack, the cabin is some sort of time machine in which future Jack is trying to tell the islanders what to do. Or something.

Oh, I just don't know. The latest finale was great TV, but the conclusion didn't have the kick I was hoping for. Perhaps because Jack and Locke aren't the characters I like the most, or I was expecting an enormous twist. Instead things were pretty much as expected - the Oceanic Six escaped, the island moved and the freighter blew up. And despite a sense that we haven't really moved as far forward as hoped, I'm more obsessed with the show than ever. Typical.

The lady of the manor from hell

Well it seems someone at Emmerdale has a decent memory as they've finally found the perfect person to play new resident bad girl Anna de Souza. And, brilliantly, it's Emma Davies from long-defunct supersoap Families.

Emma played ginger-minx Juliet Bannerman who excelled at cat-fights with sister-in-law Fiona, loved bullying downtrodden dullard Chelsea, and may have drugged her little brother at one point while forcing another local to become a prostitute. If there's one thing that Emmerdale needs, it's the B&B becoming a brothel and crack den.

Families gave daytime TV a much-needed shot of glamour in the 1990s. While all the other soaps were horribly obsessed with the kitchen sink, Families featured rich bitches, creepy sugar daddies, escort agencies, swapped-at-birth psychos and mighty-fine drunks driving their cars into level crossings. Despite starting life as a serial set in both Australia and Britain (though much of the Aussie bits were filmed at Granada studios anyway), the soap became truly awesome when the Antipodean elements were axed and the wonderfully messed-up Bannerman clan arrived.

Sadly YouTube seems to be rather free of clips of this once-mighty slice of insane country life, though there's an attic in a house somewhere full of dusty videos containing the last block of episodes. And I've a nasty feeling they may get dusted off sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I'm hoping Emma Davies can bring the same dizzying heights of cattiness to Emmerdale as she did to Families. I'm not entirely sure why the producers are bringing in another de Souza - especially with nice, wino Miles having been axed - but no doubt Anna will be married off to a King in no time, becoming the lady of the manor from hell. Hurrah!

The excessive level of forced natural behaviour is brilliant

One of the basic foundations that Come Dine With Me is built upon - and one that I have chosen to live my life by - is that anyone, no matter how interesting/complicated/unusual can be summed up in two words. Thus, contenders in this most grand culinary contest might be described as Glamorous Granny Edna, yummy mummy Karen, straight-talking singleton Carla, meat-eating mechanic David or alpha male Andy. It doesn't matter if this is a sweeping statement - Come Dine With Me is dominated by two-dimensional foodies and we watch to see how these caricatures bounce off each other.

The second great tenet of the series is that we, the viewers, must never be aware that this is just a typical slice on unreality TV - and such Mr Voiceover Man (the programme's true star) forever tells us that the contestants have "decided to go snooping around the house" or "popped to the shops to buy their ingredients" of their own accord. The dinner-party bores are virtually pushed round each other's homes with a cattle prod, but we're led to believe that these staged nosies are spontaneous. The excessive level of forced natural behaviour is brilliant. No one's acting normally, but no-one cares.

Which brings me to my point - the hour-long Come Dine With Me series currently being pumped out by Channel 4 just don't give us enough character development or Through-the-Keyhole-style nosiness. We don't have time to become attached to the contestants, decide who's the good guy and who's the villain, and we're unable to develop poorly thought-out impressions of what these people are really like. Five half-hour slots is the perfect amount of time to come up with rash judgements about a person, not one hour. It's Come Dine With Me, but with the best bits squeezed out.

Thankfully, the series will revert to it's usual format later in the year. In the meantime, there's two-and-a-half hours of repeats every Sunday on More4 to keep me going.

Emmerdale needs some instant gratification and soon

So where did it all go wrong for Emmerdale? Once the little soap that could, now a bloated monster with never-ending, tepid storylines. When it was the underdog, it was forever trying to prove itself, blowing things up just to get some attention. But now we're stuck with plots that go nowhere fast and have seen viewers turning over to roly poly funster Adrian Chiles and his One Show.

The major problem with Emmerdale at the moment is planning - and too much of it. Laurel's baby swap, Viv being set up for fraud, Katie and her blessed surrogacy - these storylines have been months, almost years, in the planning. And the pay off simply isn't going to outweigh the amount of time invested in them. The baby swap thing saw the introduction of an entire family plus Laurel's parents, but they've all been stood around boring everyone until the plot came to fruition. And the Katie-Perdy-Gray triangle is a dull mess that was always going to take at least nine months to iron out.

Emmerdale needs some instant gratification and soon. I'm not advocating another disaster, but surely there must be a nuclear reactor in Skipdale that's close to malfunctioning. Like Corrie, there's a great need for a cast clear-out in the Dales. The Dingles are no longer funner, the Kings' in-fighting has been done to death, who cares about the De Souzas and why are Jamie and Louise even together? Most importantly, is it really necessary for entire episodes to be set down the police station? This isn't The Bill, mores the pity.

There's still much to recommend Emmerdale - it has the best writing of any of the soaps, though the writers just aren't being given much to do except supply Val and Betty with great one-liners. And there are some great characters around - Diane, Val, Rodney, Jo and Chas to name a few. But the dead wood needs chopping and some new elements need flinging into the mix. Kick the Kings out of Home Farm to make way for a new Dales Dynasty, bring Kathy Bates back with an Aussie family, get Kelly Windsor back and get her on heroine, and give some top-flight bitches like in olden days rather than the hopeless Nicola. It's time for a major reinvention.

Bring Back John Sachs!

I've put off putting my thoughts about Sky One's stab at Gladiators onto LCD as I was initially disappointed by the 21st-century revamp. The sets seem small, the gladiators themselves lack personality, the contestants have been hopeless and offered no contest to the glads, and the first episode committed the cardinal sin of kicking off with Duel.

Kicking off with Duel - Duel is the final gladiator v contestant contest of the show! Hell's bells, what were they thinking? Next thing they'll be bringing back Dogfight...

Thankfully, I've been snapped out of this line of thinking thanks to catching an edition from the first-ever series on Challenge. Ulrika and Fash were appalling hosts, some of the early gladiators were pretty lame, and sticking to the same games every week was enormously tedious.

Plus, the second Sky One show was a big improvement - despite the contestants being rather hopeless and the gladiators remarkably humourless. This is one of the first things that needs to be addressed - the glads need character. Only a few of the new heroes stand out so far: Oblivion for his beady eyes and staccato put-downs, Battleaxe for her Northern smiley demeanor, and Atlas and Spartan for genuinely being nice guys. All the others are too obsessed with trying to be the new Wolf, Shadow or Nightshade. Where's the new Jet, Lightning or Cobra?

Other aspects that aren't quite working are the new Eliminator (the 'cotton bud' things seem impossible, and why make the contestants all wet and slippery before they have to hold onto anything?), the commentary (bring back John Sachs!), and playing just four games a week is a bit of a let down.

But despite this, I'm now on message with the new Gladiators. This country needs a break from sappy musical talent shows and programmes in which celebrities demean themselves. If ITV1 had brought back Gladiators and given it a decent budget, things would be peachy. As it stands, Sky are doing a pretty good job on a limited stash of cash. And hopefully by the time this series concludes, the glads will have worked out who they are, the contestants will be able to fight back on Duel and some new games will have spiced things up. Roll on the Old v New Gladiator special!

A Sudden Slice of Whimsy

Zooming four years into the future - skipping embarrassing explanations as to why all the cast ended up going to the same, local college - has worked wonders for One Tree Hill - turning the angsty teen drama into a modern, angst-ridden twentysomething romp, complete with Lost-style flashbacks. And now it looks like Desperate Housewives has taken a leaf out of One Tree's book, taking the fifth season in an unexpected direction.

The conclusion of the fourth, much improved, season took viewers five years into the future to reveal a few surprises about the Wisteria Lane lasses. Lynette's troublesome tots are now extremely troublesome teen tearaways. Gaby's got a couple of sprogs of her own. Susan's got a new fella. And - best of all - Bree's become a Martha Stewart-esque domestic goddess, with Andrew as her PA. It seems inevitable that this is a set-up for the new season, rather than a sudden slice of whimsy - and re-inventing both the series and the characters could be just what's needed to get through a difficult fifth season.

The only potential fault with Despo Housewives leaping forward five years is the fact that tiresome narrator Mary Alice is still haunting the girls. When will US telly bosses get over this obsession with disembodied narrators stating the obvious throughout otherwise top shows? Though Pushing Daisies at times tries to have a laugh at Jim Dale's incessant bleating, only Arrested Development has ever come close to mocking this overused convention. Perhaps a second bullet to Mary Alice's cranium could do the trick?

Political, contentious and thoroughly mind-boggling

Battlestar's back and despite some of the most unsubtle slicing together of two episodes to make one by Sky, it's more marvelous than ever.

Blasting off with some of the best special effects I've seen on TV (when is HD content going to become affordable to anyone who doesn't get a free Sky subscription?), it soon became more political, contentious and thoroughly mind-boggling than you could imagine.

Reading the series as pure sci-fi, the scenario is tense, relentless and occasionally very funny. Will the the fleet find Earth? What's up with Starbuck? How come slimey Baltar such a chick-magnet? And frack, those Cylon Centurions are looking absolutely amazing.

But it's almost impossible not to view Battlestar as a political allegory, mirroring exactly what's going on here on Earth today in a minute microcosm of two warring tribes in space.

And you only have to flick onto News 24 to see where the producers get their ideas from. Sleeper agents walking among us, ready to spring into action at the flick of aswitch. President Roslin's increasing reliance on religion, justifying her erratic decision on the gods. The Cylons' belief that their race is superior and that god supports their quest to wipe out humankind (and their religion). And now there's even more to watch out for - notably Baltar unintentionally becoming the figure head of a bizarre religious cult, and Number Six taking violent action to fight what she perceives to be the good fight.

The latter is perhaps the most intriguing new plot strand and Tricia Helfer really is amazing as all the Sixes - the Cylon model most sympathetic to coexisting with the humans. When the series sadly comes to an end next year, I can see Six and Baltar becoming the parents of a new civilisation on Earth. And the division in the Cylon ranks is brilliant to watch - I'm just waiting for Lucy Lawless Cylon to be brought out of her box.

But then again, Ron Moore is being suitably vague about how Battlestar's likely to conclude. It's probably not going to be pretty and could be something off the wall. How about the fleet arriving on Earth to find it populated by only the final unknown Cylon model...?

Is it just me...

...or does on-the-edge Apprentice candidate Simon Smith remind anyone else of Michael off I'm Alan Partridge, with his army recollections and inability to fully explain himself? A star is born.

CSI: Acting Masterclass

If anyone's going to take on David Caruso in the "awkward pauses, staccato speech" stakes, then it's Saved By the Bell's Elizabeth Berkley. They've just faced off on CSI: Miami - and I'm not sure who came out the victor...

ITV Don't Want You To See This

And that's a shame as it's the best three minutes of the entire first series of Pushing Daisies, ITV's brilliant new acquisition that they've already lost faith in. The flagging channel reckons episode two is too weird and will put viewers off, but if they're concerned about a plot about crash test dummies and the search for a biofuel, then they're in for a shock with the rest of the series. ITV have since backpaddled and claim the only reason they've dropped this episode is because they've only time to show eight episodes, but this is nonsense - there's supposed to 20-odd episodes, only reduced because of the writers' strike. What were ITV planning to do with the rest if they've only ever had time for eight?

Anyway, hopefully a broadcaster with an ounce of integrity will pick up the second series. And in the meantime, enjoy with fine bit of Olive - the show's real star.

Some sort of Mulder and Scully antagonistic, yet mutually dependent relationship

There is clearly something wrong with my usually cold, cynical heart as I found myself enjoying the Doctor Who season four opener more than I was expecting. Perhaps I’ve just finally realised that it is a children’s programme (instead of the sassy UK Buffy I crave), or maybe I just needed cheering after the slaughter-fest of last night’s Torchwood denouement (in which almost half the cast were killed off).

The former explanation is definitely true – Partners in Crime was nothing more than a top-flight CBBC fantasy romp (like Russell T Davies’ Dark Season, which was more than partially responsible for making me fall in love with TV as a kid). And if you’re not expecting dark undercurrents and political allegory, this slice of sci-fi was spot on.

And what about bunging Catherine Tate into the Tardis on regular basis? Actually it could well work. Tate’s Donna was far less annoying than in her Runaway Bride debut, though there will always be the problem that after becoming so many well drawn caricatures on her sketch show, Tate will always seem like she’s playing an over-the-top character. However, after having two young assistants possessing barely concealed crushes on the Doc, Donna should mix things up a little – and I’m hoping some sort of Mulder and Scully antagonistic, yet mutually dependent relationship will develop.

So all in all, good stuff, especially for what was essentially a cheap episode with the really money going on the likes of next week’s Pompeii episode the return of an all-time classic big bad (that I’m really quite excited about) at the season. And how nice of Billie to pop up too – what was that about, then?

Humour in the bleakest situations

What is it with teenagers today? Is life really that bleak during adolescence? Well, yes, of course it is. But don’t worry too much as the twenties are great – enjoy that decade before you get crushed by mortgages and parasitic employers...

Anyway, the reason I ask is because British teen drama is more depressing than ever. And when I say more depressing, what I really mean is more brilliantly written, acted and addictive. Not only has Hollyoaks dug itself out of the Redmond-induced, tits’n’ass quagmire to become the only soap with any structure or storylines, but Bristol-based Skins is not only the best UK drama on any terrestrial channel at the moment, it’s also the darkest.

Despite being promoted as teenage romp about drugs, sex and parties, Skins is more tender, thought-provoking and yet funny than the likes of Shameless, Mistresses and Honest. Sketch’s disabled mum, Sid’s bullied dad, Tony’s rehabilitation after getting smashed by a truck, Jal’s pregnancy, Chris’s devastating illness. All hugely depressing, but all treated with a light touch as the assorted teens struggle to get on with their lives. Just like real life, you have to find humour in the bleakest situations.

One or two elements have become too dark – Cassie’s transformation from anorexic air-head to cynical, serial-shagging realist has been hard to take – but there’s always some humour to lighten the doom. Effie’s episode was great fun and I hope she and her barking mad new pal Pandora will show up in the next series, seeing as how the producers have decided to write out the main cast as they’re now too old…

The final two episodes promise to be darker than ever as something terrible hits the teens, and I just hope that the high quality continues with the new set of characters next year.

Quagmire of half-thought-out plots

The first batch of new Lost episodes have been so good that I haven't had the inclination to have a good rant about any of plot holes and irksome annoyances that occasionally threaten to ruin the experience. But last night's half-season finale, Meet Kevin Johnson, was a half-baked disappointment that only succeeded in highlighting what's been wrong with Lost this season...

The episode itself focused on feckless father Michael and while the flashback to his time since leaving the island promised much, it only delivered what we already assumed had happened. We'd gathered he'd been recruited by Ben many weeks ago, and last night's episode failed to explain how he got back into the US, how he and Walt were able to live despite being officially dead, and - most importantly - how Michael was able to leave the island, sink to the depths of despair and travel back to the island via freighter in what can only be a couple of weeks in Lost time. And when did Tom get the chance to slip off the island? And let's not get started on the wasted opportunity that was bringing Libby back...

Something else that just doesn't sit right is the whole idea that Henry Widmore is the big bad. After three years of Alva Hanso, The de Groots, the Dharma Initiative, etc, it seems all the old back story has been thrown out as the producers try to write themselves out of the quagmire of half-thought out plots they're slowly submerging in. It's great that there is now a blueprint for where Lost is heading, but it now seems divorced from how it all began.

And finally, I'm going to be mighty upset if Rousseau is dead, especially as we've had eight episodes without her or Ben discussing Alex's parentage. One of the things I've been holding out for is the Rousseau flashback episode - there is a shortage of action women on the island, and a shortage of mature, intelligent women in the series full stop. Locke and Ben are somehow able to be sage, middle-aged action heroes, but all the female characters are pretty young things who need rescuing and can't be trusted with the island's secrets, even Kate and Juliet. We need Rousseau.

At the same time that characters with history are killed off, another batch of silly youngsters arrive on the island. Why get rid of Charlie, Ana-Lucia, Eko - even Shannon and Boone - and just replace them with characters who add nothing to the mythology? I love Lost, I'm totally addicted, but I don't care about most of the characters. Locke's all flashbacked out, Jack ditto, Claire's nothing without Charlie, Sawyer's nothing without Locke's dad, Hurley's a pain, Michael's killed two decent character so why care... Sun and Jin still fascinate, Juliet's got plenty left to give, while Sayid and Desmond are doing what Jack and Sawyer should be. But who gives two hoots about the new arrivals - how are they connected to anything?

All this said, I have total faith in the producers and am certain that come the end of Lost I won't feel like I've wasted my time by watching. After all, these are the people behind the final episode of Alias - TV's greatest-ever showdown. If Lost ties up its myriad loose-ends in such a mind-blowing manner, then it's been worth the ride.

Overly made-up care-in-the-community cases

What started as a low-cost attempt to rip-off Marks and Spencers' celeb-loaded adverts has now become a worrying addictive ad campaign. I'm talking about the Morrison's adverts, starring low-rent C-listers such as Nick Hancock, Alan Hanson and Denise Van Outen wandering the country with their shopping trolley looking like overly made-up care-in-the-community cases. There is something so astoundingly bad about this series of ads that they've become compulsive and I have to stop whatever I'm doing as soon as I hear the opening chug of Take That's Shine emanate from my telly box. Make more, Morrisons, please.

Bionic Woman isn’t going to win any beauty contests

Turning a camp, day-glow sci-fi romp into a gritty, shaky-camera-laden Iraq war polemic did the trick for Battlestar Galactica, but can producer David Eick pull off the same stunt with Bionic Woman?

Viewing figures in the US suggest not - but there's no reason why we can't enjoy it. ITV2 screened the pilot this week and British viewers flocked to see how little Zoe Slater would fare as technologically enhanced Jaime Sommers. And she fares very well indeed – Michelle Ryan looks the part, has mastered the American accent and plays the role exactly as required for this re-imagining.

Only problem is, the re-imagining isn’t really what we were expecting. We were hoping for a Bionic Buffy or a super-powered Alias – splicing action, melodrama and humour into a neat little 42 minute package. Bionic Woman is relentlessly grim. Drained of colour, peppered with hints of grim cover-ups and starring a refreshingly un-Hollywood-looking cast, the new series isn’t going to win any beauty contests. So much happens in the pilot, we don’t know which plot points are going to prove pivotal and which are just throw-away. Who’s the dude in the underground prison, what’s with original bionic Sarah Corvus, what's in Jaime's sealed court record, where’s her diabolical dad, who's a good guy and who's really evil? We just don't know.

Obviously, being smashed to smitherines by the excellent Katee Sackhoff and rebuilt by your mad scientist boyfriend is going to be a tad traumatic, so hopefully Jaime will brighten up as the series as progresses. Bionic Woman 2007 has the potential to be an engrossing, action-packed romp – and having a political subtext really shouldn’t be an obstacle to that. Let’s just hope the big suits in the States reckon there is life in the show. With a few nips and tucks, it could be amazing.

More plots than Mistresses could fit into a 10-year run

After four series of controversy-baiting storylines and increasingly demented plot twists, there was always a chance that there would be no sacred cows left for Nip/Tuck’s fifth year to slaughter. But that would be forgetting that show-runner Ryan Murphy is the twisted genius behind Popular, the teen drama so divorced from reality that an entire episode was spun out of a character becoming brunette and being mistaken for Barbra Streisand.

And where better for the series to go than the cosmetic surgery capital of the world – Hollywood? Turning the show on its head, Sean and Christian are now struggling as the little fish in a very big pond and, strapped for cash, they agree to act as consultants on a supremely naff new medical drama called Hearts and Scalpels – a series which bears more than a few similarities to the overly dramatic ER and Grey’s Anatomy.

As well as having to deal with the show’s stars (including Alias’s Bradley Cooper and the excellent Jennier Coolidge) and suggesting plots for the drama’s clueless producer, the duo also manage to become involved with a rather zealous sadomasochist, a suitably unethical talent agent and an insecure former Hollywood heartthrob, setting up more plots than Mistresses could fit into a 10-year run. Plus, there are the usual digs at scientology that has set Nip/Tuck apart from other American series of late.

Yes, it’s trashy – but superior trash that refuses to treat its viewers like idiots. And just look at the guest cast – as well as Cooper and Collidge, there’s AD’s Portia de Rossi, Melrose’s Daphne Zuniga, Tia Carrere, Serena Scott Thomas, Lauren Hutton, John Schneider, Sharon Gless, Rosie O’Donnell… It’s like a Who’s Who for TV addicts, that’s before you take into account that Popular’s demented Mary Cherry (Leslie Grossman) will also be popping up later in the run.

Calling any TV programme a guilty pleasure is horribly patronising to both the show and its audience, so I won’t. Nip/Tuck is quality viewing, unafraid to give us the stories and stars we crave.

"Superbad and Supercamp at the Same Time"

As well as cutting many of TV's topper-most programmes short for the year, the American writers' strike has had another unfortunate side-effect. It's highlighted the many flaws in the usually excellent Prison Break.

Watching PB week in, week out, the excitement builds, the tensions rises and even the odd duff episode can be ignored because you know something huge is coming next week. Problem is, when you have to endure several breaks during a short season, the momentum is lost, the anticipation dwindles, and every setback to Michael and co's plans seems quite obviously an attempt by the writers to drag the series out.

Series three hasn't been great. The prison that apparently even the army doesn't dare enter is more like Maplin's holiday camp. T-Bag, Bellick and Mahone have been criminally underused. The death of Sarah - while providing impetus for Michael's actions - has left no sympathetic female characters. No one knows whether chief baddie Susan B should be called Susan B or Gretchen. And, well, what's with Whistler and his Oddie-esque birdwatching book?

At present, it seems that PB will be back for a fourth series - which should hopefully see Michael embark on a roaring rampage of revenge against the so-rubbish-she's-excellent Gretchen. Jodi Lyn O'Keefe has been the best thing about the third series - her Gretchen is superbad and supercamp at the same time. And a full on cat-fight between her and Wentworth Miller next season could wipe-out all memory of this year's lacklustre series.

Blimey!

What is Kenneth from 30 Rock doing in the new Mariah Carey video? Does Mimi have more of a sense of humour than we could ever have imagined (though the whole Emancipation thing was hysterical in its own way)?

A live-action re-imagining of Captain Scarlet

Why do soap stars believe the hype surrounding them? Why can't they see that viewers love their characters, not the actors behind them? Eh?

The latest victim of their own success is Corrie's Rob James-Collier. After picking up gongs at a few TV award bashes, he's now quitting Corrie for fear of being typecast. Quite how you can become typecast when your character has virtually no character is a bit of a mystery, and while Liam has gelled really well with Steve MacDonald and the other Connors, the real reason why he's so popular is because he looks good with his top off. Rob's not a bad actor at all - in fact he's really quite watchable - but he's not going to be able to carry his own series. When he does pop up on TV again, he'll probably just be playing Liam but in The Bill or Holby City. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, but why leave Corrie to do this? Look at Phil 'Des Barnes' Middlemiss who quit the soap claiming he'd never show up in any other soapy drama, only to find himself stuck in Where the Heart Is.

Mind you, Liam's hardly been given the best storylines so far. His relationship with Maria has been rushed so the writers could produce a love-triangle with the wonderful Carla (seeing as how her husband Paul quit sooner than expected) and the whole lost in the Lake District thing was just dull.

One thing I'd pay to see Rob in, though, is a live-action re-imagining of Captain Scarlet. He's a dead ringer for Captain Black. Please someone commission this now.

Five really shouldn't have this programme

Is there anyone over at Five in charge of scheduling? And I'm not (yet) talking about the vastly unimaginative way Britain's fifth channel is exploiting its vastly unimaginative acquisition of Neighbours. I'm not even talking about the terrible treatment meted out to Alias, Angel or even the last series of Grey's Anatomy.

Nope, I'm pretty miffed with how 30 Rock - one of the few funny US sitcoms still in existence - has ended up sitting in the schedules at midnight on Thursdays. Sure, it's not the sort of series that's going to appeal to the mass market, but treated correctly 30 Rock could develop a loyal, adoring audience. It's inventive, surprisingly political and often incredibly funny. With the first series due to conclude this week, 30 Rock has really found it's feet and knows what it excels at - and the second season really hits the ground running.

Despite being the series creator, Tina Fey repeatedly sets herself up as the fall guy for every gag, and Alec Baldwin is my new hero as curiously enigmatic network boss Jack. The show is full of so many great ideas - Jack's relationship with Condeleeza Rice, The Rural Juror, spoof Eddie Murphy movie Fat Bitch, Avian Bone Syndrome, Paul Reuben's insane European monarch...

Is there any chance of Five rerunning the series in the 6.30 slot before season two starts? Probably not - especially if there's repeats of Becker to hand. Five really shouldn't have this programme (in much the same way Entourage and The Office are lost on ITV2). Someone please give FX a larger budget so they can buy up all the good US stuff and leave Five to its ceaseless CSI reruns.

And watch (some of) the best 30 Rock moments here.

Vera's Era

So Vera's dead. And while it is All Very Sad, is it really the end of an era? Vera's era ended a few years back when she and Jack were virtually squeezed out of Corrie, relegated to the odd scene in the Rovers or being used to further plots involving Tyrone, Molly or the oaken Paul. This was of course necessary, Liz Dawn hasn't been well for a while, but it means that all those classic Jack and Vera moments are such a distant blur in the memory. Younger viewers will have no idea why Vera's passing is such a momentous occasion.

And there are so many brilliant Jack and Vera nuggets, it's a shame more weren't used in their final episode together. It was no secret that Vera was going to die, so why not make it a self-indulgent love-in for one of TV's greatest comedy creations? A two-hander between the two characters would have been lovely, interspersed with classic clips as the couple reminisced about their time on the Street. Instead, the poignant passing away was buried amongst Janice's naughty knicker night and the extremely slow-burning swapped-at-birth storyline.

It is sad to be saying tara to Vera for ever - but her spirit lives on in the likes of Molly and Fiz. Hopefully she's gone to work at Mike Baldwin's big factory up in the sky, giving him grief and enjoying a nice cuppa with crazy old Ivy Tisley.

Mints. Fork. Brilliant.

Moving Wallpaper is brilliant. It really is. Even if the joke about Casualty in episode two was the only gag in the series, I'd still love it. Only problem is, will a non-obsessive, casual TV viewer get it? Fingers crossed as this is just what ITV should be doing (and shunting Moving Wallpaper off ITV2 onto the main channel in a big slot is a big move). Here are five reasons you should love it too:

1. The cast are all great, especially Ben 'Not Stiller' Miller who does slimy, pompous and poignant all at the same time (a feat only previously achieved by more former boss). What's more - it doesn't rely on cameos from the Echo Beach stars.

2. Susie Amy. Footie Wives' Chardonnay plays herself, kind of, accept it's a version of herself who'll do anything to get a bigger role in the soap. The only character to straddle Moving Wallpaper and Echo Beach, Susie's ascent from bit-player to all-out star is hilarious and, one can only assume, probably refers to at least one former soap star.

3. Not only does it make fun of Echo Beach, soaps and TV in general, it somehow manages to continually have a dig at itself. As the spiel about wanting to attract an audience of 'twentysomething females who work in the media' in episode makes clear.

4. It just proves that focus groups, middle management and ego-crazed executives can't make good television (sadly Echo Beach is a bit lame, though I can't work out whether that's intentional or not).

5. The Casualty sketch. Mints. Fork. Brilliant.

'Certainly not as daring as the flesh-flashing trailers implied'

What to make of Mistresses, BBC1’s stab at a new Sex & the City/Desperate Housewives/Cutting It drama? Well, as you’d expect from anything starring Sarah Parish and Sharon Small, the cast are all great (apart from the guy from Spooks who still can’t persuade his voice to convey emotion) and gel perfectly, instantly becoming their new characters despite being known for a million other shows. It’s the cast that might well keep people watching this piece of fluffy hokum, as the storylines aren't particularly inventive.

IVF, office romances, lesbian flings – we’ve been here before in most female-skewed series. The Sarah Parish euthanasia plot could prove interesting, if only the character wasn’t the dumbest doctor to ever grace our screens and every twist and turn wasn’t signposted thirty minutes in advance. And Sharon Small’s 9/11 widow story also proves different, though we really need something totally unexpected to happen with it – rather than the obvious Patrick Baladi being a fraudster angle which was heavily implied last night.

Mistresses’ main fault is that it's just so middle of the road. It should have been racy, like Sex & the City. Funny, like Desperate Housewives. Or all-out melodrama like Cutting It. In fact, it was just an enjoyable-but-non-essential amalgamation of all three, coupled with quite possibly the worst incidental music heard outside Heartbeat. Hopefully things will pick up, but Mistresses felt dated and certainly not as daring as the flesh-baring trailers implied. Give us large dollops of titillating sex, laugh-out-loud humour and gut-wrenching melodrama and we’d be happy.

'Heather Trott Should Be Made Queen'

So Emmerdale and EastEnders went head-to-head last night for the first of their Tuesday-night tussles, and in terms of viewers Emmerdale edged ahead. But the victory was hardly resounding. It was a pretty good episode too, with a moving performance from Roxanne Pallett (who’s turned into quite a good little actress) with a genuine shock when Andy was sent to prison. But can the writers come up with great stories to drag out for an hour each week?

Emmerdale has a gift for keeping plot twists secret that EastEnders could learn a lot from. And while in terms of plot, last night’s Enders was a repetitive as ever, there are real signs that it’s on the road to recovery. The new characters are all pretty good: Shirley rocks, Jack and Ronnie have a good Moonlighting thing going on, crazy Rainie’s back and Heather Trott should be made queen. But the storylines are just so repetitive – affairs with your partner’s relatives, deaths that someone else is the Square is responsible for, a vengeful long-lost son plot ripped straight off Neighbours, anything to do with that rubbish car lot.

EastEnders looks great while Emmerdale’s feeling a little tired. Though the Yorkshire soap has more heart, better writing and the ability to surprise, it is in risk of getting a little stale. Hopefully the new producer will be willing to take a few risks and axe some of the cast to make way for a fresh new family. A spring clean is needed if Emmerdale is going to keep winning its war with the Square.