Emmerdale needs some instant gratification and soon

So where did it all go wrong for Emmerdale? Once the little soap that could, now a bloated monster with never-ending, tepid storylines. When it was the underdog, it was forever trying to prove itself, blowing things up just to get some attention. But now we're stuck with plots that go nowhere fast and have seen viewers turning over to roly poly funster Adrian Chiles and his One Show.

The major problem with Emmerdale at the moment is planning - and too much of it. Laurel's baby swap, Viv being set up for fraud, Katie and her blessed surrogacy - these storylines have been months, almost years, in the planning. And the pay off simply isn't going to outweigh the amount of time invested in them. The baby swap thing saw the introduction of an entire family plus Laurel's parents, but they've all been stood around boring everyone until the plot came to fruition. And the Katie-Perdy-Gray triangle is a dull mess that was always going to take at least nine months to iron out.

Emmerdale needs some instant gratification and soon. I'm not advocating another disaster, but surely there must be a nuclear reactor in Skipdale that's close to malfunctioning. Like Corrie, there's a great need for a cast clear-out in the Dales. The Dingles are no longer funner, the Kings' in-fighting has been done to death, who cares about the De Souzas and why are Jamie and Louise even together? Most importantly, is it really necessary for entire episodes to be set down the police station? This isn't The Bill, mores the pity.

There's still much to recommend Emmerdale - it has the best writing of any of the soaps, though the writers just aren't being given much to do except supply Val and Betty with great one-liners. And there are some great characters around - Diane, Val, Rodney, Jo and Chas to name a few. But the dead wood needs chopping and some new elements need flinging into the mix. Kick the Kings out of Home Farm to make way for a new Dales Dynasty, bring Kathy Bates back with an Aussie family, get Kelly Windsor back and get her on heroine, and give some top-flight bitches like in olden days rather than the hopeless Nicola. It's time for a major reinvention.