Cirque de Disaster

How indeptly brilliant is Sky One's celeb-based circus challenge series Cirque de Celebrite? Very, that how. Already lumbered with a pretentious name, the programme sommehow manage to battle faulty microphones, mediocre judges and the problem of having far too many competitors, and has become compulsive TV.

I never seem to tire of watching host Ruby Wax trying to listen to what her producers saying in her ear and then woefully misinterpreting it. I love the way that the later contestants never have time for feedback from the judges. And I'm always astounded when a contestant mishears and assumes they've been saved by the public vote when they haven't.

Best of all, among a selection of inspired casting, is Big Brother's Grace Adams-Short's TV rehabilitation as a circus superstar who keeps winning. Problem is, the winner has to choose who gets bumped off each week and every week Grace pretends to have terrible problems making the decision, prompting much teary-eyed bleating before suddenly getting rid of whoever isn't her friend. Bless - though I can't forgive her for axing Apprentice Syed, whose gradual collapse of confidence would have been an even better ongoing saga than that of who actually gets to win.

Cluedo in the Dales

When Emmerdale is on top of it's game, no soap can match it. And this Christmas they're offering us a murder mystery to keep us amused. It's a shame that Tom King is leaving the Dales in a coffin (wasn't he the reasonable King a while back?) but it seems he'll have a library full of enemies come his festive wedding to new scarlet woman Rosemary.

And it appears ITV want to replicate the mind-bending fun of the Lost experience by planting a series of clues on the internet and other sources, helping viewers to work out who did the deed. Sould prove excellent if they can pull it off.

Best of all, this means scheming vixen Rosemary is going to taking up residence at Home Farm. And the battles between her and the King boys are going to be stonking fun.

Torchwood: What to think?

I'm currently in a state of flux over Torchwood. What am I to make of it? I think the main problem is that it was no where near as bad as expected. After the debacle that was the overly smug, confused second season of the rebooted Doctor Who, it seems someone has dared to get Russell T Davies a decent script editor. But although not bad, it so far seems that there's nothing there to particularly draw us viewers bad.

The top complaint has to be the rubbish opening credits. Sci-fi programmes demand action packed intros, a precedent never bettered since Buffy. Torchwood's efforts mirrored early Alias attempts - until JJ realised fast-cut clips of Garner in disguise revealed far more about the programme than a few names on a grey background.

Then there's the cast. Are any of them going to prove likable? Only befuddled cop Gwen appears to be fleshed out into a three-dimensional character at the moment - and she is perhaps the best thing in the show. The other regulars are so far cardboard cut-outs - the archetypal laddish cheeky-chappy who can't keep his dick in his trousers, the geeky computer nerd (what a shock, she's the token ethnic character) and the suave, all-knowing facilitator. The only other character of interest was the deputy Torchwood director who was corrupted by her power, a storyline that would have been excellent if played out over the course of the series.

And as for Captain Jack - so far, so bland. There's a difference between being enigmatic and just not having a decent backstory, and Jack desperately needs a decent backstory. In particular, he can't be killed - which would be interesting if it didn't take all the tension out of any forthcoming life-or-death situations for him. Russell T is clearly basing him on Angel, but Angel has a history, failings and frequently makes the wrong call. Plus, David Boreanaz has a great talent for switching from heart-breaking drama to laugh-out-loud comedy in a heartbeat. The fact that Angel was a total dag when not slaying demons was hilarious. Jack needs to cease being the know-it-all, Cassanova-esque smoothie and show some human frailties sharpish.

So, I'll be watching for a few more episodes and hoping that Torchwood can become a Cardiff-based Buffy-esque extravaganza (and cut out the sub-Hollyoaks in the City attempts at being adult). Fingers crossed.

Did anyone order a derivative, 24-lite-style series?

One thing that's been keeping me awake at nights, is the eternal conundrum - should I give Spooks (yet) another go. Working in an office of chattering TV buffs, everyone claims that Spooks is the greatest programme ever. Yet everytime I tune in, it just seems to be about a group of Oxbridge-educated toffs, walking around talking about things happening but which never happen owing to budget restraints. And it annoys me that, in the grand tradition of Brookside, that the extras never speak.

I've been told next week's BBC1 episode is a corker, so maybe I'll give it a go. But watching the first episode of this latest series a few weeks back made me so angry (furious that everything had to be explained to the underestimated audience, at the fact that only one character was entitled to any development, at the stilted performances and dire dialogue) that I had to go back on the happy pills. And I can't be doing with that again.

Some Home and Away confusion...

Now I know Home and Away has never pretended that it makes any sense, but the return of Amanda has confused me. Firstly, how come she's now rich and not having to go around planning to build motorways all over the place to make ends meet?

Secondly, and most importantly, if she is rich now, how come she lives in a house that looks huge on the outside, but has only two rooms on the inside? The sort of reverse-Tardis construction that Summer Bay specialises in.

We need answers, but all that's coming up is disaster, burns and 'copter crashes.

Home and a gay

How brilliantly demented is Home and Away's gay stalker storyline? The only thing more demented is the fact there's no mention of being gay in the scripts at all - poor, loney, crazy Charlie just wants to be best buddies with action-man-alike Kim. The look on actor Chris Hemsworth's face, that he's been given this storyline, is pure comedy, and the fact they're all playing it so seriously makes it a joy to watch. Charlie and Kim would probably make a good couple - at least better than the plank of wood they've currently got Kim shacked up with. Then again, even if stalker Charlie fails to have his wicked way with Kim, then fellow resident stalker Zoe must have an explosive plot up her sleeve...

If she's ugly, then so are you...

It's really come to something when the only programmes I want to watch after a hard day of TV listings writing, are those that I've downloaded straight from America.

For some time I've been looking forward to new US comedy drama series Ugly Betty, and been telling anyone unfortunate enough to be listening that it is the future of television. And, having just watched the first episode, I'm both thrilled and hugely relieved to report it is excellent.

What with it being American, there are a splattering of mawkish moments, but the comedy and the drama both more than make up for that. Drama-wise, the heart-breaking realities of Betty's life and her employer's attempts to get rid of her were genuinely touching. But, like any great comedy drama, it'll make you cry one minute and laugh the next. And the whole set-up (plain-Jane Betty goes to work at a supertrendy magazine, much to the annoyance of the staff around her) is pure comedy. It's like a whole series of Zoolander-eqsue stupidity. Which is just what the doctor ordered.

Not wanting to rave too much about it just yet (I've only seen the pilot) but the performances are all pitch-perfect as well. America Ferrera is great as the eponymous lead, while Vanessa L Williams is pure comedy as the supervillain fashion journalist with her own gay henchman. TV's Jim Robinons - Lost, 24, OC star Alan Dale - is also on hand doing his regular austere act, and Eric Mabius excels as Betty's boss, visbly torn between his superficial world, his conscience and the knowledge that he is in well over his head. Good show.

Good day at the Office

So, how have the Americans managed to turn The Office from a middling satire designed to promote the ego of the much-fawned-over Ricky Gervais into a pretty good sitcom in its own right?

The answer seems to be to remove the ego. In last night's edition, Steve Carrell's office boss was the butt of jokes on several occasions - the top comedy actor displaying a humility Gervais could learn from. In the British version, although Gervais' character was always the central comedy figue, the humour always came from his humiliating the staff. Although the series was supposedly about a rubbish manager, we were always meant to empathise and feel sorry for his tears of a clown routine. Imagine Fawlty Towers if the audience was supposed to believe that all the terrible things Basil Fawlty did was well-meaning if excessive mean to his wife and staff. But let's not even begin to put Gervais in the same bracket as John Cleese.

The Office US is hugely enjoyable because the mean-spirited characters (the US versions of Brent, Gareth, Finchy) are simply mean-spirited characters and there's no attempt to pull on our heartstrings to love them for any reason other than that are truly horrible. Steve Carrell is a fine comedy actor, and he perhaps understands the characters and the series itself more than the man who created it.

Development Arrested

If you needed any further proof of the sheer excellence of top sitcom Arrested Development, all you need to do is look at the timeslot. Yep, it's hidden in the graveyard that is Sunday night/Monday morning. The Beeb pulled the same trick with Seinfeld and Larry Sanders - and we're expected to be happy they're showing it all. Stupid license fee - having me pay for utter tripe all day, having to video the only 50 minutes of public service broadcasting I want to watch all week.

It can't be that untrue that by burying the best sitcoms away in the middle of the night, the Beeb is protecting it's own meagre efforts at comedy by keeping anything vaguely funny from the British public. There are more gags in the first five minutes of Arrested Development's third season debut, than in the entire run of Ricky Gervais's Extras so far. Plus, AD kicks Extras' arse when it comes to handling guest stars. Charlize Theron as a retarded British woman, Ben Stiller as a rubbish magician, Liza Minelli as a vertigo-stricken temptress, Heather Graham as a Sadam Hussein-loving teacher. Bonkers but brilliantly funny.

I could rant about the sheer greatness of this sitcom and it's non-stop running gags (of loose seals, analrapists, freebies, Poof magazine, the Blue Man group), but it's best just to watch, enjoy, watch again, again and again. It's a shame Fox axed the series in America after three seasons, but it's worth noting that it wouldn't have survived more than six episodes if it had been produced over here...

Prison Break: The Addiction Starts Here

So, I was wrong. My initial apathy towards jail romp Prison Break has been broken down thanks to a DVD box set. Seven episodes in, and I am totally addicted. It's funny what a few weeks without Lost, 24 or Alias will to you.

But so far, I am baffled. But not in the way Lost baffles me. It seems quite clear those jail-bound japesters have a sound plan, as do the show's writers. They know the road we're being led down, and hoping that it's all been well prepared, I'm quite happy to sit back and enjoy the ride.

So far, though, a few things trouble me...

1. Michael said the way to escape is through the infirmary, and thus he's been chiselling a tunnel there. However, in the two-parter riotfest, Michael simply climbed onto a rather large dido rail and ended up and found himself in the hospital. Was all the chiselling for no reason?

2. Speaking of chiselling, what with the amputation of toe and excessive amount of time it must take to tattoo-up Michael, are we going to have to survive the rest of the season with minimal shower scenes? And in Oz, whoever got thrown in The Hole was always pleasingly stripped beforehand. This sort of gritty realism needs to be maintained if we are to take Prison Break seriously.

3. There's a man with a cat in the prison. And apparently no one's noticed. Hopefully the cat will play some sort of pivotal role in the escape plot.

4. How is the prison govenor going to get his scale model of the Taj Mahal out of his office, let alone transport it home?

5. I can't tell the difference between T-Bag and the other gangster guy. The vein on the side of my head comes to close to bursting when they both appear on screen at the same time.

There's more, but until my next disc arrives from the increasinly erratic Screen Select, I shall keep it to myself.