10 Reasons to Salute 24's Third Series

1. Jack's terrible crack addiction which lasted from 1.00-6.00pm
2. Michelle gong all Dark Angel, judo-chopping henchmen and shouting at petulent, disease-ridden guests.
3. Cult comedy character Chloe - when not almost being suspended during the pointless baby plot, Chloe proved herself an unlikely computer genius. And her totally selfish attitude, and condescending attitude to Kim, made her Character of the Series. Highlight? When the kidnapped Michelle broke free and phoned CTU in the penultimate episode, only for Chloe to tell her the line was bad and she didn't have time to talk.
4. Sherry Palmer proving as evil as ever. Her killing the judge from Ally McBeal byt talking at him was great, and the way she thought she'd escaped being shot (just before she was shot) were ace.
5. Adam's forest-like eyebrows.
6. The way Kim and Sherry managed to cram in three or four different hairstyles throughout the day. Do they have all-night barbers in LA?
7. Continuing the 24 tradition of completely changing bad guys five times a series. First it's the Salazars, then its Nina, then its the first English guy, then its Saunder (the second English guy), then its some random bloke on the subway. Can't the producers contract a villain for all 24 episodes next time?
8. Kim only got kidnapped twice - and once by one of her team members.
9. The entire first eight episodes being declared pointless when it turns out Gael was a good guy, and Jack and Tony were helping the a Salazars along for very vague reasons.
10. Jack cracking up. Tony going down. Chase getting amputated. Palmer standing down. Saunders getting randomly shot by Gael's widow (who let her near a gun). The penultimate episode's explosive, bomber plane take down. Kim having a dark-haired, equally dumb lookalike. Jim Robinson coming back for just five minutes. Pointless torture scenes. We could (and no doubt will) go on....

Look Who's Back!

Just when Fenner and Di reckoned they had Grayling stitched up and were ready to take control of G-wing, along comes former boss, the fitted-up Karen Betts. Will she finally get her revenge on the female-impersonating Fenner? Possibly, though perhaps not until wedding bells chime at the end of the series...

Emmerdale Exit

It looks like Patsy Kensit's dreams of being Emmerdale's resident superbitch are about to come true - as Emma Atkins (aka Charity Dingle-Tate) has announced she'll be leaving early next year. The first dilemma comes in deciding what to do with Charity - will she die, be jailed (perhaps for murdering Old Man King) or just run off with all the Kings' money? And secondly, with Charity gone, who will Sadie get to cat-fight with? Her new friendship with mad vet Zoe had best end soon as the two would make better enemies than friends...

EastEnders: The Soap

Having established many times that EastEnders has reached the end of its shelf-life and needs putting out of its misery, we've finally realised what should replace it. A soap based on the real-life escapades of the Enders' cast. Episodes would last an hour - half of which would be the London-based soap, the other half being a Big Brother style insight into backstage feuding. As the tabloids are full of rumours regarding Windsor and Wallace fighting, and Richie thinking he's too good for the soap (which, at the moment, he is), this would make far more entertaining television than the current rut-stuck soap we're having to endure.

Bad Harold

Harold Bishop's personality-changing stroke initially seemed a little too like Susan Kennedy's comedy amnesia, but his latest transformation – into a dirty old man – is most amusing. Watching him stare down the tops of coffee-shop customers and making comments about melons, you could be mistaken for thinking the writers have been reading a few too many weekly mens' mags. What will his next incarnation be? Serial killer? Transsexual? Who can tell?

BBC2's adaptation of Jake Arnott's The Long Firm has so far proved a little disappointing. It's hard to put a finger on why as it's going through the motions nicely - the period stuff looks great, the acting's fine and the stories themselves haven't been fiddled with too much. It just seems rather tame, despite the subject matter. Perhaps we've just become immune to violence on shows like The Sopranos and Oz to really feel any shock, but there was just no sense of menace in last night's episode. And Harry seems neutered, only getting the odd peck on the cheek from his boyfriends for his efforts. And what's it doing on BBC2 anyway? If Harry was straight, it'd be primetime BBC1, proving that occasionally the Beeb still can produce quality, non police o hospital-related drama.

More "shocking" plots...

EastEnders suits have revealed their plan to spice up the soap - another new family. This one, built around the catalogue-modelesuq Micky Miller, will be so scandalous that their 13-year-old daughter will be - brace yourselves - pregnant. How original? It's not like Corrie did this a few years ago with Sarah-Lou, or Emmerdale almost ten years ago with the irritating Cairns family. Whatever next? They'll have them having adulterous affairs, or something equally ground-breaking...

We're deeply upset by the casting carnage occurring over on CSI at the moment. Gone are Jorja Fox's whiney Sara, and George Eads chisle-jawed Nick - they wanted more money, but the producers felt their characters' lack of character made them dispensable. Which, to be fair, they were - not even Sara's semi-fatal-attraction attraction to Gil could spice her up, while Nick had a pretty face until uber-geek lab assistant Greg turned up. Still, we should be jolly over rumours Reiko Aylesworth (24's long-suffering but now redundant Michelle) might be joining the cast. And Jorja Fox can return to ER and strike up a relationship with Kerry, who used to discriminate against her until the writers decided she also should be gay...

Hogan's Ghost!

We're all for stunt casting in ITV dramas, but Duncan from Blue signing up to appear in Heartbeat? The world's gone mad. If he acts as well as he presents, the Yorkshire cop drama's in for a trouble. As if Gary Barlow's "guest" appearance wasn't bad enough...

Just noticed...

...all the pics have dropped off the page, so here's one of Angie for no real reason. It's just a reminder of to whom we aspire to one day be.

Chloe O'Brien: 24's real hero

As 24 shuttles towards its conclusion this week, and after most of the cast decide to call it a day, there is one character we demand returns next year. Well two, really. Techie eye-candy Adam must not be allowed to get away, neither must CTU misery Chloe. For the first few hours we were unsure of her purpose. She was miserable, made insensitive comments, and was just pruely irritating. It was only when we realised that she wasn't simply a red-herring, but this year's comedy character that we realised she was the second best thing in the show (number one being Sherry Palmer's evil fringe). Chloe's flipancy, scowling and generaly oddness provide brief relief from the twisty-turny plots, and we want more of her next year. team her up with Jack and send her into the field. Series four will need all the familiar faces it can muster.

Eldorado - The Memories Will Last Forever

While watching How Soaps Changed the World, not only were we reminded how awful EastEnders has become, but also of the sheer excellence of Eldorado. Not early Eldorado, of course, but the later episodes when the producers finally realised we didn't want to watch EastEnders in the Sun, and starting filling the soap with kidnappings, unexplained deaths and pointless affairs. If only they'd sone the full hog and axed the damn-tedious Lockhead family and recruited some more bronzed beauties, it would be giving Emmerdale a run for its money in the 7.00pm slot. Anyway, here're some of our favourite things about Los Barcos.
1. Brooding hunk Javier turning gay and drowning himself in a shallow bath to avoid a) having to wed Swedish man-woman Ingrid, and b) bedding wet, geriatric lover Freddie.
2. Isabel Leduc - the sluttiest resident of the town was a French Kim Cattrell clone, whose relentless pursuit of gormless Dane Per Svenson was hilarious, if a little degrading.
3. Oh, we can't remember his name, but Pilar's hunky hubbie, who went from nice stable-hand to abusive spouse in no time what so ever. Who can forget the time he laughably cornered Marcoos in a deserted villa and somehow managed to screw up shooting him, despite firing at close range and no one else being anywhere around?
4. Abuela - the Fernandez's sinister grandmother who didn't say a word for the entire year.
5. Joy Slater getting beaten up by her dodgy boyfriend, getting amnesia and going back to live with him.
6. German surf-god Dieter - he didn't understand English, but why axe him?
7. Crazy Rosario Fernandez going crazier and stalking her psychiatrist.
8. See also: Olive King and her binoculars. Fiz jumping off Brightin pier. The beach-bar boy's comedy schizophrenia. Nessa's boyf Razor. Marcoos's nekid horse riding. We could go on...

Britney Does a Kylie

Who on Earth decides which tracks get released off albums? For the past three albums, Kylie's had a nasty habit of releasing the blandest tracks available, and now Britney's putting out the highly duff Outrageous as her next single? Why? Is it because she thinks its faux-Neptune production will placate the critics who inexplicably keep claiming she's heading down the spout (despite her recent number ones)? Or a Madonna-like stab at credability at the expense of music? Please Britney, it's the pop fans who buy your singles, so please release perfect dancey-pop tunes like Breath on Me or Brave New Girl. Please!?!

Here Comes the Science Bit...

In another case of "bad science", or indeed just a made-up tabloid tale, Jennifer Aniston is apparently on the waiting list to receive the latest celebrity accessery: a labradoodle. This "must-have" dog is a cross between a labrador and a poodle, and has the potential to be the freakist looking thing on the planet. At least Geri Halliwell's mini-mutt will appear a little more normal now.

Morag Bellingham: We Salute You

Whenever Home and Away gets a bit dreary, there's only one thing to do. The producers pick up their special Ginger Phone and get a direct line through to the plush residence of Morag Bellingham. And zoom, she's there in moments in her Morag-mobile. Last time she excelled in her feud with psycho-teacher Angie Russell while trying to lock brother Alf up in the mental bin for chatting to his dead wife. And now she's returned – inexplicably intent on jailing Dani for accidentally running over the guy who raped her. And with Dani almost certain to go down, Morag will be able to twirl her hypothetical villain's moustache, perhaps tying Jade to a nearby railway track for good measure, and zoom off to The City to hatch her next nefarious plot. Come again soon!

Five is the new Four

After years of Channel 4 screwing around with top shows Dawsons' Creek, Angel and Alias, we were thrilled when he learnt Five had pinched the rights and hoped we'd soon be able to watch them in decent slots. How wrong we were. This year Five had the rights to Party in the Park, and following the terrible T4 attempts at televising the event (replacing live performances with inane chats backstage), we thought the fifth channel couldn't do it any worse. Once again, wrong for so many reasons. Geri Halliwell's incessent flirting with anything vaguely male. Every time the presenters linked to something, they'd stand puzzled until the voices in the head told them to link to something else. Duncan Blue - hopeless. Bland film reviewer from MTV - hopeless. Missing decent performances for the sake of Anastacia hurling balls at celeb heads. We thought being miles from the front of the event was bad, but it was even harder to view the "Party" from the confort of our own home.

Corrie's Got the Upper Hand

The Corrie OAPs are comedy gold already, but news that avenger Honor Blackman is joining the Street as randy pensioner Rula just illustrates why this soap is 2000 times better than EastEnders. One quibble though – how come she's shacking up with Norris. Admittedly he married Derek's ex Angela, but recently there's been loads of insinuations about his sexuality. Speaking of which, let's hope our worst fears about the "twist" in rivals Rita and Rula's "past relationship" aren't as filthy as we've been imagining.

Robinson Return

As if we weren't excited enough about the return of Paul Robinson to Neighbours, just thinking about all the possible Robinson-related characters and plots is blowing our tiny minds. First up, Ramsay Street ain't Ramsay Street without a disapproving, gossiping neighbour – so we demand Hilary Robinson return for more hilarious encounters. We can quite imagine in her in a cat-fight with Valda. Naturally, singing sensations the Blakeney/Alessi Twins must also be reconscripted to the cause, as you can't have enough "which twin have I just slept with" comedy japes. They could also being their fit cousin Dan with them. And if Harold can come back from the dead, so can Jim Robinson. If only Alan Dale would give up his now-starring role in The OC...

We’ve Got a Copycat on Our Hands

Waking the Dead has always attempted to be CSI: Watford, but Trevor Eve’s new Grisom-alike beard is a rip-off to far. Get rid of it now. And here’s hoping Claire Goose’s departure from the show will be suitably gory…

Whatever Happened to the Comedy Zone?

As if BBC2’s Comedy Zone wasn’t struggling enough to justify its name (what with laugh-free Two Pints… and smug-straight-fest Coupling), along comes The Keith Barret Show - a programme that has been yanked from the schedules at the last minute so many times, we were amazed to be actually able to watch it last night. The aforementioned yanking was wise, as TKBS was pretty awful. Rob Byrdon appears to be the new Steve Coogan, in that he can only play the one character, and giving the cuckolded cab driver a chat show is the most derivative idea of all time. Mrs Merton did it over a decade ago, and much funnier too. Brydon had no real jokes, and just repeated anything humorous said by last night’s guests Richard & Judy in order to raise a laugh. A wise choice of guests, Rich and Jude saved the show from being a complete waste of half-an-hour with their self-deprecating, happy-to-send-themselves-up attitude. Please BBC2, just show Vic & Bob in Catterick ASAP.

The Spirit of Brookside Lives On

Off work for the week, I’ve finally had chance to sample The Courtroom - Channel 4’s super-cheap daytime soap. And it was everything Brookside ever was, and less. Comedy caricatures of ethnic minorities; non-speaking extras pulled off the street owing to budget requirements; the un-universal truth that anyone with money is evil, while all poor people are saintly; the corny fades between scenes. Plus, there’s the opportunity to play spot the former famous face, today’s being The One Out of Ruth Rendell Who wasn’t Wexford. The best part is after the verdict, when we are informed of what became after the (fictional) characters after the trial! The Beeb must be thanking Redmond and co, as compared to this, their daytime saga Doctors look likes like it has the budget of Titantic.

Free One! Free One!

As much as I think McDonald's football chanting adverts are the work of an evil genius, I'm thankful Euro 2004 is over if only to see the back of that giggly, flirtatious McD worker who insists on informing people of special offers by placing her chin on her shoulder and smiling coquetishly at the aforementioned football lout. Leave it. You work at McDonalds, and thus you reak of burger griddles and your pores are clogged with chip fat, making your skin worse than any Home and Away extra. Stop flirting with the customers, and maybe you'll get a few more stars on that badge of yours. And why do I have to wait so long to get a damn veggie burger. It's the 21st century, for God's sake.

Aaaaggggghhhhhh! It's Rustie Lee.

LivingTV treats us to another I'm Famous and I'm Frightened a fortnight today, and as usual only the latter adjective can really be used to describe the guests. Topping the bill is TV:AM muppet Rustie Lee, though it will be great to see Kelly from Emmerdale back on the Box – the sooner she returns to the village for another spot of semi-incest the better. Hopefully Cheggers will be a suitable scared replacement for shrieking banshee Yvette Fielding, though whether Terry Christian will enter into the spirit of things is questionable. Only fourteen days to go...

Just the Man(ning)

In an effort to make up for next week's awful After Hours specials, Hollyoaks have recruited Night and Day's resident heartbreaker Stuart Manning – aka wet footballer Sam – to play the soap's new resident heartbreaker. Let's hope his new persona gets a bit more to do than be stalked by schoolgirls, question his faith and becoming a rabbi. But having already displayed a tendency of needlessly stripping in front of evil aunt Lesley Joseph, the countdown to his first gratuitous pant-dropping plot begins now...

Another rubbish EastEnders plot...

EastEnders bosses are planning to spice up the Ferrera family by having a prostitute move in with them. Now I haven't seen the soap for a week or two, but aren't they all living in a one-room flat? And if anyone must move in with them, could it not be some sort of acid-bath serial killer? Please?

Eye brows raised, toothy smile: "And finally..."

For many years (well, at least two), there was only one piece of eye candy for fans of regional news in London. We've watched Keir Simmons endure tube strikes, tube crashes and tube extensions, and worshipped his unflappably straight manner. However, he has been surpassed in the local news hottie league by former Radio 1 entertainment hound Matt Barbet. The main attraction to the wide-eyed, spiky-blonde journo is the fact that he looks like he's being operated by a Jim Henson animatronic expert. After every report, there's a wide grin or the arching of his forest-like eyebrows. Thus, we've decided to hand Matt the much fought-after title of "The Bear in the Big Blue House of BBC Local News". We salute him.