Soapy Seven Days

So what have we learned from the soaps after the past week?

Well, Emmerdale have somehow succeeded in giving the generic detectives brought in to investigate the Tom King murder more of a personality and inner-life than character that have been in EastEnders for more than five years. Grace Barroclough telling little Donna Windsor how being a cop has ruined her life was heart-breakingly good TV and plan to ensnare Carl will be the storyline of the summer. Elsewhere, the Diane/Billy/Jack love triangle is smoldering nicely and unlike any Stacey/Bradley/Max plots, it's entirely plausible that Diane call fall for the reformed killer. And we had two of the best comedy scenes of recent months, with Belle Dingle thumping the fabulous Val in the face and Louise's awful attempts at karaoke proving laugh-out-loud funny.

The climax of the Stella abuse plot in EastEnders proved quite watchable despite there being no internal logic to the entire storyline. Why was Phil marrying Stella, a woman with whom he shared no sexual chemistry? Why was Stella abusing Ben when she wanted to make up for the fact that she may have caused her little sibling's death? In fact why did no one notice Stella was a little unhinged when she practically ended every seen by twirling her moustache and phnarring evilly to camera? Anyhow, Stella's dead after implausible hiding in a disused factory and invited Phil round for a conciliatory chat. There's just no reason why any of this would have happened.

Also in a wibbly, wobbly world of its own in Hollyoaks which this week came over all Dennis Potter with sprog-dropping teen Amy Barnes singing a paeon to her beloved Josh. But that all went to plot when Josh discovered Amy's sister is in fact her daughter. The John-Paul and Craig plot rattled on with no sign of ending on the horizon, Hannah's eating disorders continue to slow burn, and Carmel and lovely immigrant Aleksander's relationship is so sweet it can only end badly.

Corrie is still flailing around in need of a good revamp. Why is Ashley falling for a woman who his wife told him burnt down his house? Why haven't the Duckworths learnt anything from caddish son Terry and quickly welcomed another quite obvious con artist into their home? Where has Leanne's restaurant come from? Does anyone like the Mortons? At least the excellent Vernon got a chance to show off his acting chops this week as he learned of Liz's affair.