Desperation in Walford

EastEnders, the once-popular soap that only the staff at Heat magazine are talking about, is about to take a leaf out of Emmerdale's book and stage a grand disaster. Instead of a tornado, air crash or nuclear meltdown, the idiots at the BBC have decided a fun fair tragedy is in order. Pauline, Dot and Lyn look set to be crushed by a collapsing helter-skelter in a storyline that will undoubtedly be as exciting as when the Arches collapsed on Gianni and Annie Palmer... And let's not forget the sheer terribleness of Enders' previous special effects - the slow-mo escapades of the fire that killed Trevor and Tom, or the time Steve Owen crashed into a cardboard box before his car was engulfed by flames. Chances are no one who really deserves to be killed off will be...