Quagmire of half-thought-out plots

The first batch of new Lost episodes have been so good that I haven't had the inclination to have a good rant about any of plot holes and irksome annoyances that occasionally threaten to ruin the experience. But last night's half-season finale, Meet Kevin Johnson, was a half-baked disappointment that only succeeded in highlighting what's been wrong with Lost this season...

The episode itself focused on feckless father Michael and while the flashback to his time since leaving the island promised much, it only delivered what we already assumed had happened. We'd gathered he'd been recruited by Ben many weeks ago, and last night's episode failed to explain how he got back into the US, how he and Walt were able to live despite being officially dead, and - most importantly - how Michael was able to leave the island, sink to the depths of despair and travel back to the island via freighter in what can only be a couple of weeks in Lost time. And when did Tom get the chance to slip off the island? And let's not get started on the wasted opportunity that was bringing Libby back...

Something else that just doesn't sit right is the whole idea that Henry Widmore is the big bad. After three years of Alva Hanso, The de Groots, the Dharma Initiative, etc, it seems all the old back story has been thrown out as the producers try to write themselves out of the quagmire of half-thought out plots they're slowly submerging in. It's great that there is now a blueprint for where Lost is heading, but it now seems divorced from how it all began.

And finally, I'm going to be mighty upset if Rousseau is dead, especially as we've had eight episodes without her or Ben discussing Alex's parentage. One of the things I've been holding out for is the Rousseau flashback episode - there is a shortage of action women on the island, and a shortage of mature, intelligent women in the series full stop. Locke and Ben are somehow able to be sage, middle-aged action heroes, but all the female characters are pretty young things who need rescuing and can't be trusted with the island's secrets, even Kate and Juliet. We need Rousseau.

At the same time that characters with history are killed off, another batch of silly youngsters arrive on the island. Why get rid of Charlie, Ana-Lucia, Eko - even Shannon and Boone - and just replace them with characters who add nothing to the mythology? I love Lost, I'm totally addicted, but I don't care about most of the characters. Locke's all flashbacked out, Jack ditto, Claire's nothing without Charlie, Sawyer's nothing without Locke's dad, Hurley's a pain, Michael's killed two decent character so why care... Sun and Jin still fascinate, Juliet's got plenty left to give, while Sayid and Desmond are doing what Jack and Sawyer should be. But who gives two hoots about the new arrivals - how are they connected to anything?

All this said, I have total faith in the producers and am certain that come the end of Lost I won't feel like I've wasted my time by watching. After all, these are the people behind the final episode of Alias - TV's greatest-ever showdown. If Lost ties up its myriad loose-ends in such a mind-blowing manner, then it's been worth the ride.

Overly made-up care-in-the-community cases

What started as a low-cost attempt to rip-off Marks and Spencers' celeb-loaded adverts has now become a worrying addictive ad campaign. I'm talking about the Morrison's adverts, starring low-rent C-listers such as Nick Hancock, Alan Hanson and Denise Van Outen wandering the country with their shopping trolley looking like overly made-up care-in-the-community cases. There is something so astoundingly bad about this series of ads that they've become compulsive and I have to stop whatever I'm doing as soon as I hear the opening chug of Take That's Shine emanate from my telly box. Make more, Morrisons, please.

Bionic Woman isn’t going to win any beauty contests

Turning a camp, day-glow sci-fi romp into a gritty, shaky-camera-laden Iraq war polemic did the trick for Battlestar Galactica, but can producer David Eick pull off the same stunt with Bionic Woman?

Viewing figures in the US suggest not - but there's no reason why we can't enjoy it. ITV2 screened the pilot this week and British viewers flocked to see how little Zoe Slater would fare as technologically enhanced Jaime Sommers. And she fares very well indeed – Michelle Ryan looks the part, has mastered the American accent and plays the role exactly as required for this re-imagining.

Only problem is, the re-imagining isn’t really what we were expecting. We were hoping for a Bionic Buffy or a super-powered Alias – splicing action, melodrama and humour into a neat little 42 minute package. Bionic Woman is relentlessly grim. Drained of colour, peppered with hints of grim cover-ups and starring a refreshingly un-Hollywood-looking cast, the new series isn’t going to win any beauty contests. So much happens in the pilot, we don’t know which plot points are going to prove pivotal and which are just throw-away. Who’s the dude in the underground prison, what’s with original bionic Sarah Corvus, what's in Jaime's sealed court record, where’s her diabolical dad, who's a good guy and who's really evil? We just don't know.

Obviously, being smashed to smitherines by the excellent Katee Sackhoff and rebuilt by your mad scientist boyfriend is going to be a tad traumatic, so hopefully Jaime will brighten up as the series as progresses. Bionic Woman 2007 has the potential to be an engrossing, action-packed romp – and having a political subtext really shouldn’t be an obstacle to that. Let’s just hope the big suits in the States reckon there is life in the show. With a few nips and tucks, it could be amazing.

More plots than Mistresses could fit into a 10-year run

After four series of controversy-baiting storylines and increasingly demented plot twists, there was always a chance that there would be no sacred cows left for Nip/Tuck’s fifth year to slaughter. But that would be forgetting that show-runner Ryan Murphy is the twisted genius behind Popular, the teen drama so divorced from reality that an entire episode was spun out of a character becoming brunette and being mistaken for Barbra Streisand.

And where better for the series to go than the cosmetic surgery capital of the world – Hollywood? Turning the show on its head, Sean and Christian are now struggling as the little fish in a very big pond and, strapped for cash, they agree to act as consultants on a supremely naff new medical drama called Hearts and Scalpels – a series which bears more than a few similarities to the overly dramatic ER and Grey’s Anatomy.

As well as having to deal with the show’s stars (including Alias’s Bradley Cooper and the excellent Jennier Coolidge) and suggesting plots for the drama’s clueless producer, the duo also manage to become involved with a rather zealous sadomasochist, a suitably unethical talent agent and an insecure former Hollywood heartthrob, setting up more plots than Mistresses could fit into a 10-year run. Plus, there are the usual digs at scientology that has set Nip/Tuck apart from other American series of late.

Yes, it’s trashy – but superior trash that refuses to treat its viewers like idiots. And just look at the guest cast – as well as Cooper and Collidge, there’s AD’s Portia de Rossi, Melrose’s Daphne Zuniga, Tia Carrere, Serena Scott Thomas, Lauren Hutton, John Schneider, Sharon Gless, Rosie O’Donnell… It’s like a Who’s Who for TV addicts, that’s before you take into account that Popular’s demented Mary Cherry (Leslie Grossman) will also be popping up later in the run.

Calling any TV programme a guilty pleasure is horribly patronising to both the show and its audience, so I won’t. Nip/Tuck is quality viewing, unafraid to give us the stories and stars we crave.